Thursday, May 28, 2009

Your butt is awesome

So Genea comes home from school today. She is in her usual mood. Which is, she has held herself together all day long. Despite the obvious efforts of other students to mess her day up by being absent or whatever, she can usually stay calm on the outside. When she gets home, she has to let it out and so she finds something to be upset about, has herself some wango tango time, then gets over it. Today, she had her after school wango tango but was still sniffley and pitiful later. I asked her if she was ok or did something happen at school today? Here is what she said.
Genea " Kid 1 and kid 2 said to me your butt is awesome"
Me (trying not to laugh hysterically) "they did huh, what did you do"?
G "I told my teacher and she said not to worry about it but she talked to kid 2"
M "Well, hmmm, umm, saying the word awesome means something is good. I think they were trying to say something nice"
G "No"
M "Yeah, well think about it. When you say something is awesome does that mean you like it or don't like it?"
G "I don't like it"
M *sigh* ok. "Well okay, if it makes you feel uncomfortable when someone says that then they should stop. But try not to bother the teacher with tattling unless someone is going to be bleeding".
G "Okay. Next time they say my butt is awesome I am going to annoy- r them"
M "You're going to.... oh! Ignore them. Good idea". Either way.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


My local Target store rearranged their aisles.
I feel like someone broke into my home and was digging around in my stuff. Like they took all my canned food and put it in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Dumped my undie drawer out on the floor.
It was like being... being... in a ... a KMART!
(nothing against the K really, just they have let their stores get trashed)(now back to me)
I have been burgled. Perpetrated against. Victimized. The stupid vitamins and stuff are where my cool little sample size dollar stuff was. What IS that? Scootched the deorderant over by the door. Did us customers smell like we couldn't find it? Toothpaste is there now too- were we all looking crusty?
Not cool!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

To clarify...

A few people have asked as to whether Genea has seen a doctor on the subject of her urinating issues. She has. When she was with the other family and had Failure to T hrive (did not grow or gain weight for 2 years), she had every medical test under the sun. This includes CAT scans, x- rays, MRI, blood tests, medication tests, blood sugar tests, urinalysis and all sorts of other tests I never heard of. She got her very own Pediatric Endocrinologist at a specialty Childrens Hospital.Two important things were learned. First, she had burned out her bodies ability to produce stress hormone. Second, she is completely normal and healthy physically otherwise.

I have spoken with her pediatrician many times. We agree that this is an emotional problem for Genea. It is exacerbated when she is under stress. She also gets "stuck" in certain reactions, certain cycles, and it can take a lot to push her out of it. She does not get consequences for night time bed wetting. It is only when it happens in the day time.

I made up and brought the list of symptoms to Genea's psychiatrist because I tend to be unable to describe clinically significant issues to him. As I pointed out, this is NOT how I see Genea. This was a list of things I thought were important for him to know medically. I thought people might be interested to see the full range of what makes up a stretch of disordered behavior in our house here. Usually in the appointments I stumble along, yammer some nonsense and when we are almost done he will say "OH! You didnt tell me THAT before, well THATS different"(my interpretation). I did not list off things that all kids do. The highlighted things are excessive. Frequent, intense and severe. Not what your average child does. She is not your average child. Likewise her experiences do not make her exempt from serious psychological disorder. Her background does not earn her a pass.

We do not spend our days drowning in Genea's problems. Every day is new. There is no "hangover" from the previous day. Every day starts with few restrictions (no cake for breakfast) for both girls. I have been coincidentally scheduling surprise popcorn and movie parties on days that she is dry. I spontaneously hand out treats and hugs and high 5's for being considerate to others. She earns "chips" for positive behaviors that can be exchanged for painting toenails, picking the restaurant on take out night, etc. Several of the categories are "givens" to ensure there is always daily success in something, no matter what else has happened. Every night we have snuggle time for at least a half hour, tickle time, and kiss kiss time, we just do it, not as anything but just being together. No matter what else happens we do these things. We spend 15 -20 minutes after school every day talking about school and her day and whatever the teacher sent home, drawings and stuff. Fun things, things that were hard, whatever. We do strong sitting together, as well as tapping together. These are the things I can think of offhand to write, it is not rigidly structured, it is just our days. She had to have 5 dry days to get back in her undies and she has made it. Today she went to school with undies on again. She came home with the same undies on, dry. This morning, for the first time ever, Genea got up and went to the bathroom and used it. Teena does all the same with chips and things so that Genea is not singled out.

Incidentally, I have one other bit of information from Genea's other family. She was continent with them because they had a severe and extreme consequence for urinating outside of the toilet. I am not willing to do that and I am not going to discuss what it was. I have tried everything else I can think of. Kind and encouraging. Supportive, hugging, loving. I have given out stickers, and made charts and given out candy. I have sympathized, structured, timed and rewarded on this subject. When it was just a problem here at home we used all sorts of different ways to keep her dry. It was when she started going on herself at school that I decided I needed to really come down hard on this. I know folks are aware of what can happen to a kid like Genea at school with classmates. The kid who pees herself will become a target for years of torment, bullying and abuse. Being this hard on her is not what I want to do and it is not how I want to do it. It is what is working.

In most ways, Genea has grown and developed and is a great little kid. And while I myself may often wonder if I can really help her (who do I think I am?), the proof is in the shoes. After living here for a month, she started growing. She grew 4 or 5 shoe sizes in 3 months. She grew 11 inches in 12 months. Yes that is right. After about 6 months, and after doing enormous amounts of research, reading and reading and reading, learning words I still cannot spell, I was able to put some pieces together regarding her medical condition, took another approach and within another 6 months we were able to throw away her Medic Alert bracelet. Yes, I literally threw it into a corner behind the TV somewhere. (Syringes I disposed of differently). My point is, I am doing my best. I have left no stone unturned and I do not intend to. My instincts have been dead on so far. I forget how frightening the graphic terminology can be and how discouraging it can sound. It is all real. It is not everything and it is not defining of her. It seems I need to be more clear. I have spent too much recent post space on the negatives. So I will try to be more clear and much more balanced.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Go figure..

On Thursday the girls went to stay with my parents for the weekend. When Genea got up that morning, I told her that she would get no pull up this day. See, because she doesnt need them at my parents house. This is what I told her. You never P yourself at Grandma's house so I am just sending pull ups for nighttime, because you won't need them during the day.
No daytime P, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and they just got home today, Sunday, so far, no P.

Since no one reads on a weekend anyway...

I took Genea to the psychiatrist on Thursday. He has known her since she was with the first family, so about 3 years. Whenever I get in the office with him and Genea I seem to lose my ability to communicate, I forget everything I wanted to mention, and what I do manage to eek out makes no sense. Why is that? Got no idea. I have no objectivity, I am Genea's Mom. So this time I made a list. I went around and collected a list of symptoms for childhood bipolar disorder and for reactive attachment disorder. Then I highlighted everything that fit and emailed it out a few days ahead of time. I also included a list of things I see as on going problems that do not seem to fit anything. PLEASE keep in mind that I do nOT see Genea in only this negative light. As her Dr will say himself, (the only male doctor I have ever met who has any sense), he is not there to hear about her accomplishments in table setting or that she likes cheese. He needs to hear what the problems are to put the pieces together to make an accurate assessment.

I am shrinking my font because this is so very long!
May 18, 2009
Here is a list of symptoms from a diagnostic list of child and adolescent bipolar disorder on everything in bold is something I see in Genea.
An expansive or irritable mood
Extreme sadness, unwillingness to play
Rapidly changing moods lasting a few hours to a few days
Explosive, lengthy and often destructive rages
Separation anxiety
Defiance of authority
Hyperactivity, agitation and distractibility
Sleeping little or alternatively sleeping too much
Bed wetting and night terrors
Strong and frequent cravings often for carbohydrates
and sweets
Excessive involvement in activities and
Impaired judgement, impulsivity, racing thoughts and pressure to keep talking
Dare-devil behaviors
Inappropriate sexual behavior
Delusions , hallucinations
Grandiose belief in abilities that defy logic
Genea shows all of the above except for the last 4. Night terrors are infrequent and defiance is fairly minor although is elevated. Rages are explosive, over minor snags and not usually destructive.

Attachment Disorder diagnostic criteria from
Superficially engaging and charming
Lack of eye contact on parents terms
Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
Resistant to affection on parents terms
Destructive to self, others and things, accident prone
Cruelty to animals
Lying about the obvious
No impulse controls, hyperactive
Learning lags
Lack of cause and effect thinking
Lack of conscience
Abnormal eating patterns
Poor peer relations

Preoccupation with fire, blood, gore
Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
Inappropriately demanding or clingy
Abnormal speech pattern
Triangulation of adults
False allegations of abuse
Presumptive entitlement issues
Parents appear hostile, angry

Here are some of our daily issues:
Frequent urinating on self, in cycles
Binges on liquids, deliberately setting self into coughing episodes
Tactile defensiveness yet craves touch and pressure
Stiff, always stiff. Toe walks, muscles are tense even when sleeping.
Falls, trips, knocks things over many times an hour- is able to stop
Able to spontaneously vomit
Hurts sister without cause, expressionless both at the time and when caught
Unable to occupy herself, polar opposite of previous behavior
Able to maintain herself well in school. Report cards are really good. Teacher loves her (not just saying that, I think she really does). They note a delay in physical abilities, both fine and gross motor.
She may need glasses, going for appointment.
Her short term memory is terrible. It feels to me like she sees her days as one mountain after another and once she has pushed through her day that’s it, like it never happened. For example, she rarely remembers what she had for lunch. Even though we ask daily, she is only just recently able to pluck out events to tell about. Then it is usually something that caused her stress, such as a child being absent that day. Or, the day there was an unexpected substitute teacher wow, she just blew up when she got home.

Previous diagnosis’
Failure to Thrive ages 28 months to 4 years old. No growth or weight gain
Autism- Moderate, probably inaccurate, age 3
Addisons syndrome (similar to) age 3 to 5
Anaclymic Depression

She will go to time out and will do as told for consequences. Since I have started her doing jumping jacks when she takes on her vacant expression to “get her brain unstuck” her brain is much less stuck. Also has stopped coughing on liquids since I gave her a spoon to get her liquids with. I did it for one day and she quit choking entirely when she got her cup back. Have her in diaper at school after 4th wetting incident in about 3 weeks time. She loves it. I have her paying me back for the extra expense of the diapers by doing a ‘nasty’ chore every time she comes home with a wet diaper. So far, only one day with a dry diaper. But, a lot of nasty chores are getting done.

Spontaneous tantrums have reduced slightly. Able to accept ‘no’ about 20% improvement. Does not go to full blown screaming crying fit immediately as first reaction to every thing she doesn’t like. However, will go to it as second reaction when she does not get what she wants. VERY unpleasant past 2 weeks or so. Have stepped up strong sitting and tapping, using more restrictive therapeutic parenting (Nancy Thomas).
I see cycles with Genea, usually it is 2-3 weeks of sort of stable behavior then 1-2 weeks of explosive wild behavior. She reports feeling nervous, or worried often.

So that is what I sent them. After much discussion, we increased her medication in order to try to stabilize her moods more. Hopefully if that works, we will be able to effectively address some of the behavioral manifestations of her neurological imbalances. It has been 2 years. Originally I heard a lot of "its going to take time" and "you are trying to rush it" but I don't think that can be said anymore.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Potty Boot Camp

What did people do before blogs? Jump off a bridge?

I would be the happiest mom in the world if I could just let up on Genea and have all her issues fall into place. It would be so, so, great, if I could go easy on her, be nice, and have a result. If her surface affect, her insincere interactions, her superficial charm and interest, if any of that were, as was suggested today, a result of "just trying to please" me. I would be truly, ecstatically peeing on myself if that were accurate. That's right. Peeing. On Myself. Were anyone on this planet to put one tenth of that effort out just for the sheer intent of making me feel positively towards them. Wow. What a great life I would have. Who has a life that great that I could even compare too? I can't even think of anyone!

I hate having to be this parent sometimes. Damn it would be fabulous to relax and approximate the mom I thought I might have a chance at being. If I could just give Genea a bowl of ice cream and listen to her talk. I would listen all night. All day, all week. However long it took. I don't want to drag my daughter through all this. My other daughter having to see it, hear it. Ugh. I wouldn't be potty training an almost 6 year old. An almost 6 year old who deliberately, intentionally, P's herself regularily. My house stinks. Their room reeks.

I have tried everything on this P issue. I am at the end. These are the things I have resorted to. Keep in mind this has been going on for 2 years. It is totally voluntary. There are no physical problems. Genea is wearing a pull up to school now. Every day that she P's in it, she has to pay me back for having the extra expense. I pay for one stupid pull up a day. She has to do a nasty chore to pay me back for any extras. She has to sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every 30. She has to sanitize the toilet seat. She has to carry a timer around with her and bring it to me to reset every time it goes off. She has to hand wash out the clothes and hang them outside to dry. She has to sit on a piece of plastic wherever she goes in the house. She may not sit on any furniture. I have tried all these things on and off, but never all of it at the same time. Now, finally, she is trying. 3 of the past 4 days have been dry. Not even going to discuss the overnights. Sigh.

I have one more idea before I resort to using an alarm on the underwear. The placebo effect. I am going to give her a vitamin and tell her it is an anti- urination pill. I have not got it all fine tuned yet, but my idea in general is to say, this will make you able to go potty when you need too, instead of in your undies- pull up- pants- whatever. I will make up a side effect, maybe it could give you a headache, but it will help your P come out where it is supposed to. It is very powerful but you still have to do the work to go into the bathroom, on to the toilet. So there it goes. I am going to start after the weekend, cuz my little darlings are on their way to my moms for the weekend. Woo hoo. Sleep time. Rest. Prop eyelids up with toothpicks and watch late TV. Not that I watch a lot. Maybe get drunk. Oooh, that sounds good.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Put a ban on smoking bans

Wisconsin has just dedicated itself to going cigarette- smoke free by July of next year.
Smoking is not a good thing. Even though it makes you look really cool, it does no favors for your skin, lungs, blood and other stuff that hangs together to form a human. Dying from lung cancer is excruciating. Watching someone die from cancer is excruciating. Ok, so I have that out of the way.
Smoking bans are the super- trend right now. Across the country individual cities and states are forbidding full grown adults from poisoning their own selves. The government is deciding for me that I don't have the right to toxify my own body with carcinogens in public. That's right, The Government.
We are getting our very own workplace smoking ban which includes *gasp* bars and restaurants. People who work in places that people want to smoke in should not have to be subjected to the smoke that people who are the customers want to exhale. Unnnkaaaay. On the surface, sounds good. Right! Get your scrubby clean air here! Protect the people! And all that!
Here is another thought..... let the people who want to smoke gather in smelly funk rancid bars and let the people who don't want to smoke or breath it or see it floating around go to a bar or restaurant that does not allow smoking! Yep, that's right, let the business owners decide for themselves what the policy should be! Then let the customers support their preferences with their feet! And their shaky little yellowed hands!
Here is my real gripe. Smoking cigarettes is an easy target. We know it is bad, I mean seriously. Did people really believe the tobacco companies when they said it was healthy? Anyway. You can see a smoker. Smell a smoker. Even when a smoker is not practicing their hobby you know when one is around. Smoking is visible. And it is repugnant. Instead of having nasty brown walled rooms in a workplace dedicated to self imposed cancer inhaling wheezers, smoking has been busted to the great outdoors. So people hover around doorways and blast you with exhalement as you pass by.
Where I live is a huge river, the Fox. The Fox River is very popular for fishing and competitions. Walleye tournaments etc. There is a group of people who immigrated here known as Hmong. The Hmong have always fished, to live. Naturally as they came here they continued to catch fish to eat. Only, eating the fish from this river will make you really sick. Bazillions of dollars have gone into studying this river for a good decade now to decide who poisoned the river and what to do. Still, no one can eat the fish from this river. They were supposed to start cleaning it last month. It is expected to take another 10 years to clean.
What the hell is causing Autism? And the spike in ADHD? Don't know. But blame the pharmaceutical companies for causing the increase by providing a medication.
Remember a few years back when women in California were found to have toxic levels of rocket fuel in their breast milk?
All those survivors of Hurricane Katrina who were given those cute little trailers to live in temporarily, remember those? The trailers construction products emitted a toxin that caused respiratory problems in the residents.
Most people, or at least many people, who live in Phoenix, Arizona do not drink water from the faucet. It is disgusting.
Who sprays weed killer on their lawn so it looks pretty and then lets their kids play on it?
How long was China sending us toys with lead paint on them before we caught on? Where are all those toys now?
Have you ever been to Red Rocks and looked at the city of Denver skyline? Maybe that day the brown cloud was there. It is bizarre, a visible cloud of pollution literally hangs over the city.
Don't get me started on the people for whom a daily trip to McDonalds is mandatory. And that is not to get a salad. You are still free to rot yourself by coating your veins with progressive layers of fat.

We ingest pollution every single day. We don't know where it comes from. We don't know who did it.
But we can see a smoker smoking. So do something about the one something we delusionally think we have control over instead of the really hard stuff no one seems to be able to figure out. Besides, to clean up the hard stuff, well, that would have to involve a lawsuit. Then you need lawyers. And decades.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

too much tv?

Genea: (sing songie voice) "Pee Bee eS kids"

Teena: "dot org"

It could be a case of too much tv, but they were playing outside when this exchange happened.

They have both learned far more from PBS than from me anyway.

One show is too many. A thousand, never enough.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Last question under the wire....

Paula Perry said...
did adopting "out of order" affect Teena at all? (as is she is now not the oldest kid in the family)Also would you adopt again? or are you two and threw?
Yep, good question. Don't try this at home! Yes, Genea was adopted "out of birth order". As I understand it, going that way is a terrible idea. The worst. Setting yourself up for failure. I tried to do research on it, and there is almost none! Logically though, it would make sense that the child already there is going to resent a bigger, and the bigger could take a lot of advantage over the littler. Teena could not have been more thrilled to have a sister, seriously. They bonded quickly and were sisters just about the day they met. Teena had some adjustments, but not out of the norm. Same for Genea as far as becoming a big sister.
I would adopt again but I want both these girls in school first. Then we can see. Our house is only a 2 bedroom and oddly designed. So we have grand plans to remodel and make 1-2 more bedrooms. I also desperately need the kitchen relocated. I have been trying for over a month to get some pictures of it to send in the home improvement channels here, to try to get a TV makeover. But I can't get it clean enough, and if I get it cleaned then some person comes along and messes it up before I can get the pic taken!!!!

Today my blog went to 10,000 hits! Woo hoo! And there are 4 new stickers in my followers block! Yippee!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Answers part 3

tubaville said...
Hmmm, you hate me because I am a Vikings fan? Or do you just throw up in your mouth a little but swallow it?

Are you trying to gross me out? Because you would need to have a whopping big booger chunk get stuck in the throw up to gross me out. And I'd have to be drinking milk at the time. Ik.

Honestly, I really love purple but I look better in green. No one looks good in gold. You all will be needing GRAY soon out there.

~Momma Chaos said...
D@mn blogger and not posting my comment yesterday- now it totally looks like I've not been stalking you properly. I swear I wished you a happy bloggyversary right after Annie yesterday but fates conspired against me!Naturally it's been a full day since I initially tried to comment so I completely forget anything else I said but just wanted to say HI , I'm still stalking :)

I give you credit for the thought and the effort. As for forgetting, well, I have to land on the "judge not lest" side of that one.

ldw said...
Whew! Nice to know more like me are out there. Not just the mom of a RADish but that sucks at the whole Leave it to Beaver thing. I imagine it in my mind and I make charts that get thrown away and make schedules that don't get followed and start laundry that never ends (or getsItalic put away correctly). I do widh I had more time at home cause I think I could get more accomplished...right?Question: Favorite childhood memory?

Seriously, more time at home just means more work at home! Its true! Now I have a kid here messing it up ALL day, plus myself. Anyway, charts and stuff don't work with rad kids, so they say.

The top pick of the memories is when I was 5, going to pick out our little puppy. She was a pomeranian and we brilliantly called her Pom Pom. She turned into my dog at night when she would come in and sleep in my bed. She was an exceptionally cute little ball of fur! The cutest dog ever!

Lorena said...
Congratulations!!! As I told you some time ago I love your blog and the way that you write even though I don´t have children and am not married. Maybe my life is a little like the one you planned before you found The Husband, and I cannot lie, I really enjoy it, being independent is great. But I can totally tell, by the way that you write, that you enjoy your life as much as I enjoy mine.

Yeah, okay, I do enjoy it. But don't tell anyone else!

Btw I am totally flattered that someone withOUT kids reads! That is so cool- Thanks!

Katherine said...
Hi Essie,My boys are 3 and 1 1/2. I completely understand what you mean about "the transition" and I'm not quite through it yet either. I go to a parent group and the leader was telling us that the older a woman is, the harder the transition is for her. Her theory is that the younger women, in their early twenties or whatever, don't know what they're missing like we do. They've haven't had the luxury of such a long period of independence, or career success. It is such a common feeling and I think most women just don't allow themselves to be honest about it for whatever reason, which sucks because we could all help each other if there wasn't that stigma.
That sounds about right! I worry sometimes that I go too far expressing honestly how I see things, that I really will get a troll- a whole gaggle of trolls even. But then, I can't tell you how many times a mom will just about collapse in front of me in relief saying she thought she was the only one, that something was wrong with her. Well it might be, and if it is it is wrong with me too!
Hmm, I want a cool parent group too. What do you do with the kids, leave them in the car? (JUST KIDDING)

kate said...
Just a happy anniversary from someone coming along after you in the adoption journey. Thanks for paving the way!


Annie said...
I was sitting in the cold rain in the third hour of a track meet on Friday night (My Advice: Absolutely FORBID track!) when I remembered that I was supposed to submit a question to your blog!!!I feel guilty asking a question because it will undoubtedly reveal that I have not done my homework and read every post written prior to my discovery of your blog - I go anyway:How did you find out about Genea and how did you decided to adopt her, and how hard was it? Process-wise.
You know, I am going to choose to take it as a compliment that you think of me in the most miserable and tedious times of your day.
The truth is, I have already banned track, track and field and getting close to a ban on swimming. Good crimmeny!
Genea's parents brought her to the clinic I worked for, for therapy. I was actually assigned to her with another therapist but I got really really sick that day and had to leave. When I heard about her situation, that the parents were having such a hard time and wanted to disrupt her adoption, I told The Husband and subtley poked at him for weeks.
Process wise, it wasn't that bad compared to others I have read about. Our agency was full of ass-quacks, every one of whom told us something different. The cost was stupid, we had been told a number. But everything came out to be double and triple what they told us. Not to mention a bunch of crap they just made up to charge us. Birth mother counseling was $1200. WHAT birth mother????? Then, we don't qualify for the return because The Husband is self- employed or some such crap- just found that out last month. We challenged a lot of it, which stunned them all, but still had to pay it to get our finalization out of them. Ass-quacks, I just made that up and I love it. LOL!

AND THANKS to everyone who said such nice things! I am all about the props. Love the compliments! Since I am all alone here except for Teena who can't read, comments are my only feedback on if any of this is interesting or you know, do I think I am William Hung. So THANK YOU and don't forget to click yourself in as a follower, tip your waitress and bartenders.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Answers Part 2

:)De said...
I love your stories and come here for my regular fix from a regular mom. My question: how did you go from not planning to have kids to adopting a child from disruption? What a leap!

A bit of an overestimation on my part. I had always thought I might want to have foster kids, or adopt an older child. But, we always moved too much for that. Then we had Teena and things seemed to go pretty well (still alive, yes, even today!). Genea came through the clinic I was working at for therapy and I heard of her situation. So I thought, well, I have a girl and lots of girl stuff, she could just come on in to my family. Having 2 kids in 2 years was a serious overestimation of my energy and patience. Especially the energy!

Jen said...
Good for you for toughing it out, even though it's not your first choice. It truly is only for a few years and your girls NEED you - especially Genea. They will be grown up before you know it (really, I'm not just blowing smoke).So, do you WANT trolls to stalk you? :D I mean I DO have relatives over there - I'm sure I could find out where you live if I tried really hard. (maniacal laugh).

Thank you for pointing that out! I don't mind (much) sacrificing for my family, I just do often forget that is what I am doing. It is so easy to get bogged down in the daily frustrations. I can't believe Teena is going to summer school in a month. BWAH!!!! How did she get old enough for that! (Well, ok, I have her in pre- 4k- school so it is my own fault).

Honestly, I would like to have a troll stalker if you could arrange it. It would be like getting nominated for an Emmy- I would be able to say, I've made it! Internet only please.

Accidental Mommy (Sasha)

I am not Martha. I had a career, I have an education and I stay home and rot. I worked in a male dominated field and all this cooking and laundry and well you know...soooo not my thing. I try but I do find myself resenting being the one who needs to make a house a home.

Congrats on your anniversary. I was Freak Magnet and then Zen Master before I became Accidental Mommy. lol

Yep, I think that is a big part of my problem too. I feel like I stay home with brain rot. And the other choices (laundry, cooking shit) just SUCK ASS.

For people wondering, this is not my alter ego, this Accidental Mommy is Sasha- different person entirely (though a lot of overlap in life). (well, sort of).

Okay, another installment coming tomorrow! There is still time to sneak in a question if you want to ask!

Answers Part 1

BT asked 1. How did you end up in Northern Wisconsin (do I have that right?)? 2. Do you have plans to return to work outside the home, and if so how old would your daughters be?
The Husband used to work for a restaurant chain and was transferred here to Green Bay. He has since taken a different job in insurance. It took awhile to get used to it, but the place grows on you. I have never met so many genuine, kind and considerate people in my life. Do I have plans to go back to work? HELL TO THE YEAH!!!! I guess I will wait until at least this fall, when both girls will be in school. Teena will get out around noon though, so I may hold out until she gets to full day kindergarten. 3 minutes after that ha ha. So, ages 5 and 7.
However, if a great job presented itself that had good pay and health insurance I would be there.
And, THANKS for promising to get yourself a sticker on my followers block! I will be very happy!

Annie said...
When did you realize that it wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows? Tell us about the WTF am I doing moment.
The day Genea moved in to our house permanently we had gone to Mc Donalds to do the transfer and come home so the girls could take a nap. When they woke up from their nap, our quiet, withdrawn, calm, smiling, little adoptee changed into a child with extreme ADHD in a hyper- manic oppositional state of rage. It was more of a WTF have I done moment.
I expected her to fall off the deep end. Just not the very second she got here!

I wonder if McDonalds realizes how much of this stuff happens there?

Here is Rachael you think you'll go back to work when the girls are both in school? What was your pre-SAHM job?
Ahh, my pre-sahm job. In an ironic twist that would have the Lifetime Movie Network execs peeing themselves (YES ! A double irony!), I was an in-home therapist. I worked with severely emotionally disturbed kids for 6-8 hours a week in their homes. Both psychotherapy and autism treatment therapy. I have been thinking of possibly taking on one case in the evenings.
BTW, thanks for telling me how to hyperlink!!!! Now, do you know how to back- link? I have it all set up but it doesnt happen with my template.

Lisa actually wants to know
Describe the absolute worst day you've ever had in the radical world. Pretty please....
How much time do you have? LOL!
Ya know, it was last summer. Things had gotten so ugly, well, no one could be commended for their actions. At one point, Genea was in a therapy session, refusing to do anything. She had crawled under the table and gone into a dissociative state, a bad one. Where you could pick up her arm and it would just fall when you let go. You could clap your hands next to her ear and she would not even flinch. Her therapist said, wow, this is scary. That was the day I realized maybe, just maybe, no amount of love, therapy, meds, behavior modification, stickers, threats, affection, medical treatment, just maybe, this was as much better as she can get. Just maybe the level of my childs disturbance is beyond treatment. At home, she sat in time out and poo'd on herself twice (I was like, how much dang poop do you have kid- but must have done something right because it has not repeated). I had been pushing myself to believe that a regular life would be attainable for her that was probably my worst day, because I allowed uncertainty to come in.
Unfortunately for her, I am determined to knock The Crazy out one way or another. Bastard bloody fucking Crazy!

Phew, this is all a bit deep! Here is a funny Teena crack.

We were watching TV (no, again, thanks, I don't think we do that too often) and some commercial about airbrush -look skin foundation came on. She piped right up all excited and said, Mama you should get that! Right, cuz this stuff is supposed to make your pores invisible. Incidentally I DO have it and it DOESN'T.

Ok, will keep going later!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

happy anniversary to my blog

It was just about a year ago that I figured out what this whole blog dealie is about and decided to try it. So this is the one year anniversary of The Accidental Mommy!

(pause for cheers and applause)


(oh crap)

I had heard of blogs and thought the whole idea was silly. Then I heard about the and decided to rethink my definition of silly. Silly don't make that kind of money people! I was leaving my job and not because I wanted to (and not cuz anyone made me either lol). I remember trying to tell a 15 year old client what was happening, that I was leaving the job to stay at home and Mom my kids. I began laughing and couldn't stop. It became a bit hysterical, and not in a good way. Oddly, she understood. Or so she said. Anyway, being a mom was never a goal of mine. But if it were to happen well, I never imagined I would quit my job and stay at home and .... do.... what.... exactly? Home school? Or cook stuff? Clean the house and volunteer at the Ladies Auxiliary? Not the sort of things I am good at. I was pretty sure I would become an alcoholic. Or one of those scrapbook toting home party maniacs. I just noted on another blog that I am a terrible teacher. I am convinced Teena has learned far more from PBS than anything I have tried to teach her. Seriously. I drive thru dinner, or I open it. Cleaning....well, I have never been a cleaner. As a SAHM I have no skills. NONE!

Among other things I swore I would never do if I had kids but I was not going to be having them so it didn't matter, is allow vile sludge like (*gag* s pit*) Barney in my house. Well, Teena goes into a partial coma when Barney comes on and she will actually stop her incessant talking mid sentence and for that little period of time becomes a member of the cult. And so it makes for a great time to blog. Yes, I use the TV to babysit my child so I can do something more interesting. Come and get me Parent Magazine!

So I am still not feeling it. The stay at home thing I mean. At first I resented and counted every minute. I can say I have grown accustomed to SAHMing, but not comfortable with it. I have never gotten to a point where I can say I am in a groove. Where I wake up on Wednesday and say, yup, it is vacuum and meatloaf day. Put Teena in her pink Packer jersey, Genea has eggs and toast and fresh juice for breakfast. Remember her field trip money and it is wear a green shirt day at school. Some folks I am sure are convinced that all makes me evil. What kind of woman can't get with the program! Not only do I admit that I fairly well suck at this but it appears, appears, that I am not even really trying. Like I don't care. Harlot! Heathen! Horrible horrible Mother! Take her M away! She is just an "Other"! Ah well.

I have really enjoyed my little blog here. It has kept me from jumping off a bridge many times. I am happy (but feel a little left out) that I have not gotten any crazy stalkers. (What, you trolls got something better to do???) I am also happy to have gained a regular group of "followers". It makes me so happy when someone new clicks into my followers block! I was worried for a long time that no one would come and read my little stories because they are stupid and boring and secretly people would be like, who does she think she is, William Hung?

My intention with my blog was and still is to be honest and real. I remember being in the depths of Geneas worst time and finding a list serve on yahoo about kids with severe problems and it was such a life line. Just to read from another person that they were having a hard time too was a relief. So that's what I set out to do, tell it like it is and hope that someone finds it useful. The beautiful, the fabulous, the fun and the funny, the ugly and The Crazy!

So I thought I would open up for questions for my first anniversary with myself. I am inviting you to ask any question you want. Anything! Of course now I am terrified that no one will ask anything. So I am serious, ASK STUFF! I will answer in the next day or two in a seperate post.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Genea takes Mother's Day very seriously. I remember this from last year too. As soon as the commercials started going on TV, she was on it. She takes no chances. Last year she made tissue paper flowers at day care and put hours of work into a card that she carried with her everywhere until the day came. The card was so precious to me! Of course I still have it but I had it on my fridge for about 6 months. It was so important to her to do things right for "Mothers Gift" which is what she called it, she made certain to follow all the directions from the TV that she could figure out.
This year was the same. About 2 weeks ago she started preparing. Started reminding me that it was coming and pointing it out whenever she saw advertising. She made several pictures and cards, and her teacher is a fabulous woman who knows where to put her efforts and had the kids make little flower pots and a poem for a shower curtain ring with a bunch of yarn tied around it in different colors. Each color was for something, like keeping her safe, giving her a home, stuff like that. So cute!
Teena learned to wink from Mr Noodle and spent the whole day trying to teach Boo Boo, our cat, to wink.
My Baby Daddy is the man soon to be known as The First Former Mr Accidental Mommy. Late Saturday I told him I wanted Starbucks in the morning and to get me one of those sugar bombed muffins they have. Triple venti caramel macchiato. He said he was going to want McDonald's and that is what the girls would want too! I said, for Mothers Day I should be able to get some dang Starbucks and get the girls some muffins they will love it. He said, I thought that was next week and then went and looked it up on his phone internet thing as if I were lying (not that I wouldn't lie and try to sneak in an extra holiday but I wasn't and he should have known it). Then in the morning, I "slept in" to the chorus of multiple tantrums and fits. Nothing like the strident peel of a shrieking toddler in the morning, and My Baby Daddy yelling at them that they better not wake me up. So, it was normal. Did laundry and dishes. I got to go to Target by myself and my phone did not ring even once. I was there for an hour and a half. My head almost exploded though when I heard some perky teenage girl ask the pharmacist for the morning after pill. Ack! Loud as could be, same as if she were asking for a pack of gum. When the cost was almost $30, she said she thought it was going to be $10 and she didn't have that much and left with her silent and less perky boyfriend. Stupid stupid stupid girl. It was all over her tone and approach that this was her plan. There was no incorrectly applied condom, no pill, spermicide (tee hee, that word has always cracked me up)or diaphragm. No wardrobe malfunction. It was, I am going to have sex and then go and get the morning after pill and that will work out great. And on Mothers Day to make it all just perfect. Stupid! The future of our country!
Anyway, that was my day. Fortunately I am the sort of person who plans. I tend to think through possibilities and outcomes ahead of time. So I had already gifted myself with a pair of shoes for Mothers Day. I buy 2 new pairs of shoes a year so there you go. At Target I bought a book that is just a good book to read, not to learn anything, just to read. It's called "In the Woods" and is quite compelling already.
The End.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dr. Katherine Leslie Web-i-nar

Lisa, who lives here in all of our computers, has gone to all the effort of putting together this great learning opportunity for parents. I am posting it for anyone who might be lurking around, struggling with a child in need of support, help and direction. The details follow:

Katharine Leslie is going to be doing a webinar. May 18th. 10 AM to 11:30 AM CST. $30.00 Grab all your fellow Radical mom's, invite them over for tea and split the cost. Continuing education credits will be issued if you need/want them. Dr. Leslie presents at Attach every year and gets rave reviews. Also a parent to radicals which gives her big stars in my book. ;-) She doesn't just "get it", she lives it.

Parenting from the Trenches
Do you have a child who lies, steals, sneaks, stalks, hordes, chatters non-stop, or urinates in places other than the potty, etc? In this webinar Dr. Leslie will teach you essential, sensible, safe and effective solutions to your child's behavior problems that can also increase positive behaviors in your child, create an attachment friendly environment, simplify daily life, reduce family conflict, and even get some of your parental needs met. Dr. Leslie will weave lecture material around questions from the audience.

This is a 90 minute Webinar

Quick overview of attachment and brain facts

What children are supposed to give to the parent-child relationship

What do you really want from your child?

Preventing negative behaviors

Rehearsing positive behaviors

Punishment vs consequences: What's good for you?

Click here to sign up: Click here to sign up: Parenting' target=_blank>">Parenting in the Trenches

Friday, May 8, 2009

Crazy Ideas in Honor of Mothers Day

A hundred years ago and back when I was child-free (not child-less, big distinction) and when I cared about my appearance, I held more than a few opinions on parenting. Idea's about how I would raise kids if I ever had any, which I wasn't going to, so that made it way easier to have the opinions. Judgements about the behavior of children and how it reflected on that child's parents. Theories about discipline. Certain of what to do, indeed what I would do, were my child to refuse to eat foods in any color other than beige. Just as a random example.

So here, in honor of Mothers Day, I thought I would share one of my better great ideas. From my child- free days.

When I was in grade school, well, let's just say, things did not go well. I had raging, I mean crazy extreme ADD (not a stitch of an H in me anywhere). Remember that over 100 years ago, there was only a hyperactive attention deficit and it was only in boys. So there was no chance of being diagnosed but I can clearly look back and see the signs, grenades blowing up, whatever.

The other clear thing I remember about school is the insane lack of school that occurs on any day. You have your lunch and recess and PE and music and art and those are all great things but they are not academic. Academic teaching and academic learning took up about 3 to 4 hours of an 8 hour day. And of the 3-4 hours, well, about half of that was repetition and practice. So I hated all that. I could learn stuff quick and have the assignment figured out before the teacher had finished giving the directions. But I gave up even trying to get good grades in high school, and barely squeaked out to college.

So that's a little background. Now, if I were to be a nice person I might warn you to set down your coffee. Unless your computer is brown (and, ew, if it is!).

I totally was going to homeschool my kids. (Remember, I was not having any.) My plan was to let them take in a year or two of elementary school for the socialization and homeschool the rest of the time. I could knock back a few hours of academics and then spend days at the museums with the art, instead of staring at a book of art. (I apparently was not going to be living here in the north woods with nary a museum or an 'art' for hundreds of miles). (Life size cutouts of Brett Farve are not art). Far more educating will happen by experiencing! That was my bright idea!

I believe the predominant error in my thinking process was failing to consider what the children in my home school might be doing. Since I was not going to be dragging them around in stupid car seats all day whining and annoying me all day with their needs. And they would be such an enormous pain in my ass at the museum! I sort of pictured myself as the home school teacher, a clean organized environment (obviously home school would not be taking place in my house) and some chairs by a table. Lots of clean stuff. I vaguely pictured myself as a child sitting cooperatively. Learning or drawing or something. Quietly. Not bothering anyone with stupid questions or an attempt to explore a concept, that's for sure.

Well, let me tell you folks. Genea was here for just over a month before I started hunting down 4 year old kindergartens. ACK! I shit you not. At the time it was voluntary in the state of Wisconsin. A school district could choose to offer it or not. Believe me when I tell you that I seriously considered both moving, and lying about our location after I discovered we did not have it in our county. But it would be up and running the very next year. Jackasses! Could they have done that on purpose?

So now Genea goes to kindergarten. Last summer she went to the pre-k summer school. Both girls will be attending the $10.00 7 week summer school sessions this year. Teena will be on her way to 4 year old kindergarten in the fall and Genea to first grade. Did you know they feed them at school these days? So I don't have to make lunch either!

So here is the challenge. Post your own best parenting idea from before any of the little buggers followed you home or moved out of your body. You can link back to me if you want ( I am not going to shamelessly dig for visitors! Even though I want too lol!) or in some way let me know about your story. You can tell your story in comments if you want. C'mon! I went first!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Oh Brett

Please Brett, no.

You can still salvage most of your legacy if you shut up now. Lay low for a few years and let the poor behavior of other athletes take on the spotlight.

Going to the Vikings will be like taking a huge steaming dump on your favorite jersey. Right on top of the number 4.

I could go on and on about behaving like a man, sucking up your pissy little pity party and moving on. How you have looked and sounded like a badly spoiled and not terribly bright child for the past few years. But I won't. (I am also going to assume I am not invited to your party anymore).

Just.... go. Go quietly, take a break, relax and get some perspective. Puh---lease!

(for any non- American readers this post is about American football and a Green Bay Packers player.)(I expect to be back to ridiculing myself and the absurdities of my family tomorrow).

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Causes of Pain

I have lower back pain from an old injury many years ago. It comes and goes as far as severity. Last week I was having a bad pain day and I was trying to explain it all to Teena. You know, like, honey sweetie Mommy has a hurtie owie on her back. So Mommy has to sit here, like this, to make her owie feel better. Mommy is okay dont worry. Mommy will be fine. Mommy's boo boo will be happy as soon as she rests (for 9 years).

Teena: "Is it because you sat on your butt all day?"

Charming isn't she.

I believe I should be given a reward for the restraint I showed.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Miscommunication (updated)

Ok, let me start by saying I am not complaining. Seriously. We have had a miscommunication here, but it is not a terrible one. Actually, it may have resulted in a slight advantage. One point to the parents here!

Yesterday, Genea earned herself 2 extra chores. So I told her to clean up the cat puke and sweep the stairs. This is something new I am trying, slightly more serious consequences for fits, tantrums and other disturbances to the peace. Now, our cats puke all the time. Hairballs, partially digested food chunks, whatever. I would not have her clean up a major mess, but this was a little chunk fully within her capabilities. And the stairs as well. We have wood steps and lint and dirt for miles comes to party and multiply on them. Evidently they all have relations in the night, probably drunk, and when we wake up the lint and dirt have given birth to tumbleweeds.

Woops, got knee checked by a tangent there. So, tick tick tick, time goes by and Genea is working her chores. I am making a special dinner with love and stuff. I go and check her chores and she has done well. We eat, etc. We are going off to another room as a family for the evening and we pass the cat litter boxes. Something is weird. Something is not right. What the.... where is the..... did she..... did she clean up the.... Hey Genea? Did you clean up the cats poop? Yes, she says.

Well I am laughing so hard I can barely walk. She did a great job. The Husband, he was beside himself. He starts excitedly whispering to me with spit flying out the corners of his mouth, "she can clean the poop! she can do it! she can start doing it now! " thrilled beyond measure that there is a potential apprentice to one of his chores. I gave Genea a great big hug and told her honey, I said puke, clean up the cat puke not the poop, the puke!

None the worse for any of it, she did not even care. She was just happy to be done with it. Unsolicited she told me, "I am going to try harder to behave because I don't want to clean the poop again"!

*** UPDATE***
Some folks wanted to know what happened to the cat puke. Well, Genea cleaned that too. Score !
I put in that part about my cooking as a sort of joke. Its a home cooked meal if it is cooked at home right? I can put love into my Italian- Asian Fusion style of cooking can't I? You know, its not easy to arrange those little Totino's pizza rolls just right. Not everyone can do it. Timing is as important as with a soufflee. There is a 10 second window between still frozen and burst all over the place. Only a pro would add a little oil to the casserole dish for a bit of crisp. HOOOO- Waahhhhhh!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Is it just me?

Is it just me? Because it usually is. Moving Mouth people on the tv keep yammering about this flu. We are not supposed to be referring to it as the swine flu. See, it would make the pigs feel really bad. It would be a blow to their self esteem.

As a society, we have been advised to use a substitute phrase to convey the same meaning that swine flu has. In our effort to have politically correct flu, we should be calling it this: H1N1 flu. That is reportedly the official hoity toity scientific name of this strain.

Does that look to you the way it looks to me?


HI h- eye

NI n- ee

Heinie? We are experiencing a pandemic of a medical condition called The Heinie Flu????

bwaa ha ha ha!

Ok, so I really hope no one has it. We had the flu last month and it was brutal.


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