Thursday, December 31, 2009

DANGIT DANGIT DANGIT!

I would use real curse words if it weren't for the blogs that list people's post titles. Rest assured I am thinking in big, bad, ugly curse words right now.

Fifteen years ago, give or take 2 years -I forget, I married the man I love for better or for worse. Sadly, the "worse" became quickly evident. The man I married, my baby Daddy, is an only child. He argues valiantly, and frequently, against the stereotype with his words. His upbringing was just like everyone elses. Exactly the same, only there was one of him. The fact that his parents let him select the radio station in the car was due to his parents being so exceptionally cool, not at all because he was the only one there, his parents were entirely focused only on him, and there was no one else to argue with about it, which are just a few of the opinions I had suggested. So, he insists that his life was never based in any way, on the fact that he was the only child in the house and every thing and everything anyone did, originated with the idea of caring for him, or making him happy in some way.

Not that I have any bitterness. Or envy. Whatever. Anyway.

So, one might imagine that living with someone brought up in such a way, would have advantages and disadvantages. I am not here to discuss the advantages, should I ever think of one. When it comes to disadvantages, if I were a different sort of blogger (the divorced kind for example), I could have a list but I don't. I do however, have one particular issue.

The man takes the last of everything. He does it with no regard for anyone else alive on the plant or in the same home. He will ague insistently that this is just me being picky. He ate the last of the chocolate ice cream when I was pregnant, people. Yes you read that correctly. Yes it was 5 years ago- so? Appalled aren't you? You should be. So you just take whichever side you think deserves your support and read on.

Here is the part that hurts. I have had to resort to hiding certain items of food that I might need later. Such as cookies. I can't hide ice cream, so I just gave up on buying that at all. But he will think nothing of masticating his way through an entire box of cookies while I sleep. Leaving me to find an empty shell in the recycling bin the next day. And cursing. Wildly.

So the other day I was in the store buying up a bunch of suck ass crap like cleaning supplies, bleach, laundry soap and other things that just mean more sucky work for me, and I bought some cookies. Really fancy cookies, that are pricey and only have like, 8, in the bag. Chocolate chunk brownie cookies. Mmmmmm.

AND I HID THEM FROM MY HUSBAND AND NOW I CANNOT FIND THEM!!!

I FORGOT WHERE I PUT THEM!!!

STOP LAUGHING THIS IS SERIOUS!!!

It is really bad, because I so clearly remember taking the action of hiding them in the first place. I deliberately removed them from the bag of cleaning crap and put them in our bedroom..... and that is where it all goes blank. BLANK!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

So, who has exciting plans for New Years Eve?
Ha ha, just kidding!

27 comments:

  1. OMG, you are so funny! I used to have to hide things from my ex-husband, too. Not because he was an only child (and only children are ALL THE SAME, whether or not they choose to acknowledge it or not...I've never found one not like your hubby), but because he was a selfish tool. That is a total bummer you can't find those brownies, though. They are probably gonna be covered in green, fuzzy mold by the time you do. If that happens, take a pic. LMFAO!

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  2. I am laughing so hard as I type this.

    My mom had to do the same thing -- she hid all the good stuff from my dad (probably from us kids too, but I only knew about it once I was older). When she died and we started going through her spaces/stuff, we found all sorts of stashes. It was an oddly reassuring thing to find in the midst of grieving our loss of her! (Hope this doesn't sound too weird.)

    Hope you found those cookies by now. Please try to post where they were!

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  3. oh, man, i laughed out loud at this one. that STINKS. you gotta find those, girl. think THINK THINK!

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  4. Believe me, being an only child is no day at the beach, unless said beach is a rocky, cold and miserable one, fringed with dying vegetation and strewn with the decomposing corpses of hideous sea creatures.
    As a singleton, I can attest that being the focus of parental attention is no fun. No. Fun. At. All. If you get an A on a spelling test the parents gush that you're destined to become a great writer. If the teacher sends a note home saying that you pushed another girl on the playground (Meredith Schofield, a horrible tattle tale) the parents are convinced that you're headed for a life of violent crime.
    With no siblings to distract them, everything you do is magnified and commented on. Endlessly. Everything you say and every expression on your face is portentous of doom or glory.
    It really sucks.
    And then teachers and neighbors join in.
    I had one teacher in forth grade, an ancient beldame with one blue eye and one brown, who actually asked me if I was spoiled, due to my being an only child.
    How is a forth grader supposed to reply to that? No? Yes? I don't know? Having been teaching so long that you probably taught Daniel Webster his ABCs, shouldn't you know better than to ask a kid a question like that?
    Listen, your husband deserves to eat the last cookie. He's been through a lot.

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  5. Maybe I am too suspicious...but maybe they are lost in his stomach already! LOL! Did you smell his breath for chocolaty goodness?

    No exciting plans for New Years...we usually have a hard time even staying up to see the ball drop.

    Peace

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  6. Dude, that is TOTALLY his fault.

    I hide stuff too. Because it is just not right. For better or for worse is one thing, but do NOT eat my Lindt Dark Chocolate Peppermint truffles that are only sold for ONE MONTH per year.

    Not cool.

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  7. ROTFLMAO! Hysterical. I'm totally with Miz Kizzle though...being one of them there only kids is SO not fun. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Why do you think I have another Radical????? :)

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  8. I'm embarrassed to say that I have a box of chocolates hiding under my bed. I hope you find your cookies! Happy New Year to you and your family!

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  9. Sorry, I know you said not to laugh, but...LOL!! Hope you find those cookies!

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  10. Lord, Have Mercy!

    May your 2010 be entirely filled with chocolate!

    :) Jen

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  11. Right, I thought immediately that Mr. Cookie Breath might have something to do with this, but I can't ask him for obvious reasons. I remembered I had about a half bag of m&m's left, so I am sneaking handfuls of those thru the day.

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  12. I gave you an award. The Happy 101 made it back to me. Please check out my new blog if you have not already. I would like to see your comments and your input.

    Thanks.

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  13. 100% his fault entirely: )
    Hope you find them before he does, now that you've put it out on the blog and all.. hmm does he read this? lol.

    Unfortunately I do the same thing.. Not hide cookies from hubby but hide things and forget where I put them.. Thankfully I dont need to hide them from DH b/c I usually tell him- I'm hiding this HERE -when I forget where I put it, you remember LOL!

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  14. 100% his fault entirely: )
    Hope you find them before he does, now that you've put it out on the blog and all.. hmm does he read this? lol.

    Unfortunately I do the same thing.. Not hide cookies from hubby but hide things and forget where I put them.. Thankfully I dont need to hide them from DH b/c I usually tell him- I'm hiding this HERE -when I forget where I put it, you remember LOL!

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  15. Yes! Ditto! I am married to an only child who was raised by an only child and they both live with me! They take the salt or other community item and use it and totally leave it by their plate, so rude! My husband once drank the last of the kids juice?!! ARe you kidding me? The kids juice? Nothing is off limits.

    Cookie breath is totally at fault here I am sure of it! I say you form a petition to the fact, we all sign it and he has no choice but to pay up!

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  16. LOl..."Masticating..." that is an awesome choice of wordage there. See, this is where having a dog would come in handy if you happened to hide the cookies somewhere near ground level.

    Hmm...any chance he saw you hide them and found them and masticated and swallowed them?

    So, you know that when and IF you ever find the cookies that you have to tell us where they were right?

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  17. SO I was all feeling sorry for you and then you got me laughing so hard I forgot what I was sympathetic about.

    I can't wait to hear where you found them!

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  18. Happy birthday! May your birthday and NY start out wango tango free.

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  19. So did you find them yet?

    I bet your husband had something to do with this.

    The bedroom? You gotta find a better spot.

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  20. Ok, three things.

    Wonderful use of the word, "masticating". You're my hero.

    That's another thing only children have in common--they deny that they are stereotypical.

    Maybe your husband thinks you looks sexy cursing wildly!

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  21. Haha, did you find them? Sounds like something I'd do, I have a terrible memory and am always forgetting things.

    Happy New Year!

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  22. Too funny. I have the perfect solution to your problem (speaking from experience), go back to the store and buy 4 more bags of your delectable cookies. Then take them to your room and hide them. My guess is that you will find the original bag in one of your hidey holes. If not... so what?! You've got 4 bags of cookies to munch!!

    Mary in TX

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  23. Too funny. I have the perfect solution to your problem (speaking from experience), go back to the store and buy 4 more bags of your delectable cookies. Then take them to your room and hide them. My guess is that you will find the original bag in one of your hidey holes. If not... so what?! You've got 4 bags of cookies to munch!!

    Mary in TX

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  24. See, I just keep having this feeling I put them in my laundry somewhere. Next to the basket, in with clothes, something like that. No way would Mr Cookie Breath go near my laundry. But it's all BLANK!!! My mind has been wiped clean!!!

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  25. Oh Man, I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me! Only it's not just food! I can't find the Xmas presents I bought for my in-laws! I know I stashed them in a safe place, but dang if I can remember where that was! I had to go buy new, not as cool, gifts. Someday I will run across them and then kick myself!!! I have even gone so far as deciding to keep a password protected list on my computer of hiding places, but I can't remember the stupid password!!!

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  26. I think Mary in TX's idea is excellent. Excellent.

    Umm...can't help you here unless you post a photo of the bedroom. If it's not in the clean clothes, is it in with the less-than-clean clothes? No chance your LITTLE cookie monsters found them?

    I had a t-shirt from a friend for a gift-to-facilitators. But, I didn't give it to the facilitators as it was too small and pink. "Aha," thought I when I stumbled upon in while ransacking the regifting station, "L can sleep in this!" and put it aside to e-mail friend.

    Friend, of course, said yes. And asked for photos. I, of course, cannot find where "aside" is in this instance.

    It's not a highjack. It's sympathy.

    Happy 2010!

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  27. I just found some sweet little books - for example, "Meet Molly" the American Girl book, and one called "Chickie's Adventure". I hid these books for Lydia's Christmas present....long ago. Let's just say Lydia is now 23, so that had to have been at least 10-11 years ago? Here's hoping you find the cookies sooner than that!

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