Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Late TTT Entry- Warning- sensitive material!

I got a late entry to TTT, submitted anonymously. If you decide to proceed, you will realize why! It is a little..... for older audiences. Audiences over say, 18.
Seriously, if you don't want to read about other peoples private business, STOP RIGHT THERE!

Now, here is an absolutely hysterical story about a little holiday gift to oneself that has gone astray. Ready? Go!

The rabbit died in August. As in v i b r a t o r. Hey! I'm single, I live in a high stress environment and I have needs. Don't judge.
I waited till Christmas cause you know there's a lot of packages being delivered and an unmarked package wouldn't be noticed right????? Hmmmm....maybe not.....
Progression of events (Keep in mind that I live in a very, very, very small town.)
1.Ordered it last Monday
2. On Tuesday UPS sent me an email that it would be delivered Wednesday.
3.They also sent me another email about somebody else's joy package. As in not me. Not a good sign.
4. Wednesday nothing arrived.
5. Thursday night I tracked it online and UPS stated that it was undeliverable because there wasn't a street address. (Funny....there was one on the first email they sent me.)
They also stated they were sending me a postcard to locate me. are they going to send me a postcard when they don't have my address???
6. Lay in bed and hyperventilate about calling them regarding the precious package because they KNOW me.
7. I have the phone number for the distribution hub where my joy was residing because I know them PROFESSIONALLY. So....
8. Friday morning call UPS hub. Sweet Connie told me I needed to talk to Customer Service Desk and patched me through.
No one answered so I called back. Explained my problem to Delightful Debra and she told me no problem she'd find my package and call me back.
9. 5 minutes later Debra called me back to confirm she'd found my package, had readdressed it and I would have it this afternoon. She was much sweeter than normal. Great. She knows....
10. Spent Friday afternoon hiding in my house knowing that my hot UPS guy would be delivering my unmarked package and that he would know something naughty resided inside.
11. 4:30 hot UPS guy rang. my. doorbell. Damn. He wanted to confirm my last name cause he couldn't read it. Uh huh. Right. But he couldn't make eye contact and you know I notice that stuff.
12. As he's walking down the sidewalk I comment that the package is really light and feels empty. He never looks up and keeps walking.
13. Open package as hot UPS guy is getting in his truck. IT'S EMPTY EXCEPT FOR MY RECEIPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More hyperventilating but I'm a woman on the edge so I CHASE him and his big, brown truck down the street IN HEELS waving my sad, empty package over my head. No. I am not kidding.
14. Hot UPS guy stops the truck and says, "what....was it empty????" Mmmmmmm...yeah. He asked me if I know my neighbors (the snoop doggy dog neighbors) next door. Yeeeessssss. Well....maybe they took it cause I delivered it there on Wednesday. Wishing I could fade away through the asphalt of my street. I asked him what would happen. He said, well they'll open it at the hub, examine the contents and contact the vendor.'s already open and now YOU'RE going to read my receipt. The humiliation is growing by the minute.
15. Now all the staff at the local UPS hub are still laughing hysterically about my package.
16. Snoop dog neighbors are enjoying my "Merry Christmas to me" package.
17. Mrs. Snoop Dog is affiliated with my oldest daughter's professional life. Lovely.
18. I am still frustrated cause Mr. Happy isn't here and yeah....there's always the old-fashioned way but at the end of my days that is just too much trouble. Fast and easy. That's my motto.
So instead of going to bed satisfied I'm mortified.
Merry Christmas to me.


  1. Oh man. That's why I hate UPS. They always mess stuff up, and then look what can happen!

  2. Oooooo painfully hysterical. In a mortifying sort of way.

  3. Perhaps you should have warned that anyone who would be reading this in their office in the CHURCH should reconsider.

  4. I am your neighbor. I just want to say THANK YOU! Feeling MUCH better now!


  5. Oh honey! That SUCKS! ;) But, in the future, if you ever decide to send yourself another "merry Christmas to me" type package..get ahold of me..I can get the same stuff to you in about 5 days. ;) Joys of being a Passion Party consultant. And yes...I do have a website. LOL Thanks for the laugh. I needed it today! LOL

  6. Jody- I told her she should order another one from a different company and I would take up a collection for her here with a pay pal donation button--- LOL! If she is still having problems I will suggest it again.

    Sorry Annie- I hope you didn't have to go for an extra confession (I really hope you think that is funny and not inappropriate!!!!)

  7. OMG!!! Isn't that like, illegal or something? To steal someone else's vibrator?

    She should totally find the dirtiest, raunchiest sex toy on the internet, buy it, but have it delivered to that neighbor's house, with a note saying something like, "Dear X and X [name them, oh, please name them so they know it's not a mistake], hope you're enjoying MY vibrator. I don't want it back, but since you're desperate enough to steal, I got you something that's just your taste. Enjoy!"

    They'd be mortified, I think...

  8. As a 30something mom to many who has never even seen one of these and does not speak such words aloud (lol- in public at least) I can only imagine how mortified I'd be if this happened! Poor thing! ACK!

  9. Ok, that was hysterical!!! Thanks for the much needed laugh today:)

  10. Freaking hilarious! Best TTT entry ever. Tell this poor woman we are not laughing at her, we are truly laughing with her. Except we are laughing at her just a bit.

    But if it helps, except for the small town bit, that could have been anyone of us. Everyone has a noisy neighbour and we all got needs! lol

  11. I can picture all of it. Fantastic writing!

    And Oh-My-Gawd how embarrassing!!!

  12. HA, good point, I'm sure she doesn't want it back anymore.... ew....

    Yeah, personally I would curl up and die so, more power to her.

    (HAAAAA, get it, more power, HAAAA)


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