Seriously, if you don't want to read about other peoples private business, STOP RIGHT THERE!
Now, here is an absolutely hysterical story about a little holiday gift to oneself that has gone astray. Ready? Go!
The rabbit died in August. As in v i b r a t o r. Hey! I'm single, I live in a high stress environment and I have needs. Don't judge.
I waited till Christmas cause you know there's a lot of packages being delivered and an unmarked package wouldn't be noticed right????? Hmmmm....maybe not.....
Progression of events (Keep in mind that I live in a very, very, very small town.)
1.Ordered it last Monday
2. On Tuesday UPS sent me an email that it would be delivered Wednesday.
3.They also sent me another email about somebody else's joy package. As in not me. Not a good sign.
4. Wednesday nothing arrived.
5. Thursday night I tracked it online and UPS stated that it was undeliverable because there wasn't a street address. (Funny....there was one on the first email they sent me.)
They also stated they were sending me a postcard to locate me. Ummmmm....how are they going to send me a postcard when they don't have my address???
6. Lay in bed and hyperventilate about calling them regarding the precious package because they KNOW me.
7. I have the phone number for the distribution hub where my joy was residing because I know them PROFESSIONALLY. So....
8. Friday morning call UPS hub. Sweet Connie told me I needed to talk to Customer Service Desk and patched me through.
No one answered so I called back. Explained my problem to Delightful Debra and she told me no problem she'd find my package and call me back.
9. 5 minutes later Debra called me back to confirm she'd found my package, had readdressed it and I would have it this afternoon. She was much sweeter than normal. Great. She knows....
10. Spent Friday afternoon hiding in my house knowing that my hot UPS guy would be delivering my unmarked package and that he would know something naughty resided inside.
11. 4:30 hot UPS guy rang. my. doorbell. Damn. He wanted to confirm my last name cause he couldn't read it. Uh huh. Right. But he couldn't make eye contact and you know I notice that stuff.
12. As he's walking down the sidewalk I comment that the package is really light and feels empty. He never looks up and keeps walking.
13. Open package as hot UPS guy is getting in his truck. IT'S EMPTY EXCEPT FOR MY RECEIPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More hyperventilating but I'm a woman on the edge so I CHASE him and his big, brown truck down the street IN HEELS waving my sad, empty package over my head. No. I am not kidding.
14. Hot UPS guy stops the truck and says, "what....was it empty????" Mmmmmmm...yeah. He asked me if I know my neighbors (the snoop doggy dog neighbors) next door. Yeeeessssss. Well....maybe they took it cause I delivered it there on Wednesday. Wishing I could fade away through the asphalt of my street. I asked him what would happen. He said, well they'll open it at the hub, examine the contents and contact the vendor. Uh....it's already open and now YOU'RE going to read my receipt. The humiliation is growing by the minute.
15. Now all the staff at the local UPS hub are still laughing hysterically about my package.
16. Snoop dog neighbors are enjoying my "Merry Christmas to me" package.
17. Mrs. Snoop Dog is affiliated with my oldest daughter's professional life. Lovely.
18. I am still frustrated cause Mr. Happy isn't here and yeah....there's always the old-fashioned way but at the end of my days that is just too much trouble. Fast and easy. That's my motto.
So instead of going to bed satisfied I'm mortified.
Merry Christmas to me.