Santa's magic

My girls believe in Santa. I was feeling concerned about it recently, I mean, they are almost-8 and 9 years old.

I was speaking with a friend the other day and she told me her daughter believed in Santa until she was 10 years old and eventually had to be told the truth. That made me feel a lot better. This friends daughter has a 4.0 gpa from the Really Super Smart University Special High Honors Program. So there.

It does occur to me they might be lying. When I was a kid, my mother told us that Santa only comes if you believe in him. To this day I have not overtly expressed to her whether I do or do not believe. Although our discussions of handling the subject with my own children may have led her to some conclusions. But I can't say for sure.

So I go through all the motions with my girls. The Santa gifts appear next to our wood burning stove since it's the closest thing we have to a fireplace. For several years Teena has questioned this, since it is not actually a true fireplace and all the research she has done indicates that if there is no fireplace, Santa leaves his gifts by your tree.

I try to make the Santa gifts appear different from any other gifts. Things from us are in a gift bag. By gift bag, I mean the plastic bag the store gifts us with when we buy the things. I wrap the Santa stuff in special paper that I stow in the back of my closet with the cat hair. I have a thick black marker to write with and I use block letters. I did this all while watching My Fair Wedding with David Tutera on Netflix.

(He cracks me up, the way he is so nicey nice to the brides then slinks outside with his eyes all buggy to hiss to the camera "she wants her bridesmaids to dress like frogs?" )

Every year I put out a diversion too. Last year I dug out some ashes and messed them around on the floor. This year I smashed a few oreos on the hearth (*snort* fancy word for the ground next to the wood burner ha ha) but we didn't set out any cookies for Santa. The idea was, and Genea got this (Teena did not), that Santa must have seen my stash of personal cookies and thought they were for him. So he helped himself, but being in an obvious hurry he made a little mess. However we forgive him in the name of ice- cream- cone- shaped- mint- chocolate- chip- flavored- lip gloss.

Genea believes in all of it. In her mind there are the things that are true, then there are all other things which are not true. You don't question things that are true because, well, they are true! Since you can only pick one, she picks Santa.

 I should add though, that neither one of my girls has bought into the whole elf on a shelf business. They named her Brave Tiara and follow the no-touching rule. Sure, they search her out every day, but there was only one specific occasion where I was able to squelch an amped up child by muttering "hey elf, did you hear Genea scream she's not going to put away her laundry and she hates us all and hates laundry too? I wonder how Santa feels about slamming doors and trashing the room" (Genea often pauses mid-fit to hear what we are saying but only if it is not directed to her, this time it worked to stop her freak out). Teena actually had an anxiety attack over the elf's lack of bones. She spent days genuinely fearful for the elf trying to make all that distance in a body that appears to have no skeleton. Otherwise as far as my kids are concerned, that elf is just part of the audience and they don't give a shit if she is a witness or not.

Teena, using her best deductive reasoning and inference skills, has come to her conclusion on this Santa deal. She knows it is not possible to circle the earth pulled by flying wildlife. A world's worth of toys would never fit in one sleigh.  As is her character, she prefers to think out loud with one specific listener (me of course). So she says, "that can't be true Mamaright? RightMama? Nobody can go around the world in the night, can they? It just can't happen that way, rightMama? People can't really go in chimney's rightMama? How would they get back out? There is only one way, Mama,  the only way it's true is if he is magic. RightMama? Right? None of it can be true unless he's magic."

Right Teena. It is magic.

Random Munching

Here's a question. Why is it that every year there are hurricanes in Florida and every year the news here shows desperate homeowners filling sandbags? Can you not save your sandbags from the last 97 hurricanes and use them again? It's not unlikely to happen, in fact you can be pretty sure it will. Personally I think I would use decoratively colored sandbags and make them part of my landscaping. Also, I think every house in Florida should have wheels. Miami mansions included. Drive that sucka on out.

I make grandmas cry. Apparently with just a wave of the hand or a tilt of the head. My mother is freaking out that we put Teena on Concerta. She is with the Scientologists (I'll be expecting the 3am visit, lol) on the whole issue (even though she is Catholic), and she cried at the horror of the choice I made. The Husbands mother got pissed off with me over a non existent slight and took it out on the girls with some nasty comments. I called her out on those  comments and she had to repeat them for her son and husband to hear. Then, she cried.

Genea is rockin' it this summer. I was able to find and schedule her for schools and camps and such for most of the school break. Having a routine has made an enormous difference. Yet, I find myself feeling guilty. Like, she is a messed up kid who needs help and I should be helping her, not sending her away. Also the relief from her chaos is lovely and I cannot pretend otherwise. Of course she is having fun and enjoying it and it is helping her immensely. My mom saw her launch a level 2 tantrum this weekend (scale 1-10) and said to me.... "do you drink? Or do drugs?" ha ha. NO, I don't, because I need every brain cell on full alert. I can't let some of them relax!

Now we are in that last week before school starts and all the kids programs are over. Sweet mother of xanax.

Am I the only one who had an epic WTF moment watching the opening of the Olympics? Maybe since England has a much longer history than America they needed to take longer. Or something. I really liked China's opening. Having said that, I'm sorry y'all, so very sorry, but the Olympics are boring. Watching paint dry boring. Pluck your leg hairs by hand boring. Sheesh. They took America's Got Talent off the air to show it all and now that it's back I'm lost. I really like the opera singer with the crazytown eyes, I hope he wins.

If school doesn't start soon I'm going to call up the Vatican and request an exorcism.

I got older.

Genea's psychologist was pregnant. She planned to have the baby early July and take 6 weeks off to be back mid August. She wound up getting assigned bed rest in late May, cancelling all of our June sessions. I took it upon myself to carefully schedule a shit load of appointments around her estimated return. A few weeks ago I got a call saying she would not be back until September. Oh, and her first available appointment would be September 17. Now I'm all for attachment, for the love of cabbage I am ALL FOR attaching with your baby and all that business but come on!  Strap that baby on and hie thee to your office! I seriously hope it's all great with her baby and nothing went wrong, on the other hand had I known it would be a 4 month break I would have sought help in the middle.

I've noticed several new people have wandered in lately. HELLO NEW PEOPLE! I'm happy to have you!!!

The Mother In Law is on her way tomorrow for a visit. A week long visit. Right. Yes, for those of you on facebook, we were just out in New Mexico to see them in July. No, it doesn't make sense so don't bother looking for the logic. Just listen for my screams. Or hers.

Our cat got out overnight and in the morning we found huge tufts of hair on the ground. We were devastated, and planned how we would tell the kids and such, assuming he had been attacked by another animal and killed. We (I) found him that afternoon hiding in the yard, not responding to us, lethargic and hungry but unharmed.

That's about it.

Except for some totally unrelated cuteness I am sneaking in here simply because I want to.

Genea wanted a short hair cut and so they cut a LOT of hair. People in the salon were passing her chair and pointing at the 3 inch pile of hair on the ground.

Went to Green Meadows, a sort of petting farm, with my mom, sister and her 4 kids. Teena in the kitty pen, finally trapped one. I LOVE kitties! I would have 100 if I could afford a professional litterbox cleaner (as well as a "next to the litterbox" cleaner. sigh. )!

Evaluating, testing, examining, analyzing

When we last left this issue, Genea's school had agreed to test her learning abilities to potentially put her on an IEP. For us, the IEP was not going to rock our world, just allow for a few little extras that would help keep Genea's mental health needs from mucking up her academics.

So they tested her.
Simultaneously, she was being evaluated by a psychologist referred to us by her pediatrician. The guy who after sitting with us for 20 minutes suggested putting together a team of professionals for her.

Between the 2 entities, Genea has been tested and evaluated for every possible thing. The school gave her speech and language evaluations, physical therapy evaluation, occupational therapy evaluations, reading, writing, listening, breathing. She met with the school social worker, nurse, psychologist, special education teacher,  and surely I am forgetting some. Oh, me! They all talked to me a lot for background and academic history.

The clinic exams took about 6 weeks. The psychologist spent 2-3 hours with her over several appointments and myself and her school teacher filled out evaluations up the wazoo. We got a new psychiatrist and met with him a few times.

Here is what they found about her learning abilities: Genea is stone cold normal. Average. Regular. Nary a learning disability for miles. Not even an obscure one, like non-verbal learning disorder, or speech apraxia. Zip. Indeed, she tested slightly better than she is performing in school these days. Gotcha.

Honestly I was sort of secretly hoping for one of those nifty labels I could point to and say..... "here, this is why she (fill in the blank)". I got nothing. A learning disability is taken seriously. A mass of mental health diagnosis however, can easily be misinterpreted as "just look at that sucky mom". In that regard, we got a boatload.

After filling out the evaluations and pulling apart the middle to figure out the scores myself (oops! the pages fell apart!) I see that Genea scores well over the cut off for "severe". There were several categories of like, mild, moderate and holy-what- the- fuck and Genea scored at the top end of the latter. Officially known as 1. Reactive Attachment Disorder 2. ADHD 3. Mood Disorder NOS 4. Anxiety Disorder NOS. Also meeting the criteria for Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder but by that time, seriously, the psychologist said this, it hardly matters. Right, I hear ya' dude.

At school then, she met almost no criteria for an IEP except for the ADHD. Every single person who met with her commented elaborately on it, and 9 professionals sat in on our meeting. Ultimately, she qualified based on that finding. For which I was not going to sit there and argue that it is much more likely hypervigilance than attention deficit when the fact is, she cannot focus regardless of label. Whatev.

The occupational therapist was the only one who had a significant finding. She tested Genea's handedness, coordination, gross and fine motor skills etc. She can use scissors brilliantly and trace a line with precision rarely seen, crosses her midline like a superstar. However, when it came to using both hands at once the OT said, it was as if the 2 sides of her body had never met. Not only could she not catch a ball, she could not aim her hands to meet together to do it. Now, that was interesting. We're going to work on that!

When I met with the clinic psychologist to get all of his results, I asked him a question. Genea has Reactive Attachment Disorder, what can we do about that?

His answer went like this, "well, of course you should coordinate with the schools and maintain consistency and integrate a routine and involve the services of ...... oh forget it. There is really just about nothing. There is no specific treatment or therapy that is shown to work. There are a few things you can do that will help, you are already doing them, and maybe try some EMDR, there are early studies showing that helps with kids like Genea".

I tell people that and they gasp, heads ricochet backwards, and they are pissed off for me that I would have to hear something like that. For the love of xanax, I was grateful. To hear the truth. Thankful, I was so thankful to know, I really am doing everything I can. I'm not missing something or hurting her with my ignorance of available treatment. I didn't skip over some crucial element that would have changed everything.

(EMDR is technically Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The idea is that trauma is stored in the brain in a reactionary sort of way. Using tapping (HI LISA) sort of things, the person walks back through a difficult time while using bilateral stimulation in some way to move the memory or feeling into a more logical region of the brain to create a new insight. Probably if you are interested you should look it up yourself because my explanation here sucks).

So now we have our IEP, a new psychiatrist and a new psycho- therapist who does EMDR. There has been some forward movement though many areas still stagnate. I remind myself, progress for Genea is measured not in weeks or months, but in years.

Incidentally, the clinic evaluations were all sparked off when I asked our pediatrician to evaluate Teena for ADHD. She wanted to refer us to a psychologist for testing and I balked. Ugh, there is a 3-6 month wait, I knew for a fact. Aha, she tells me, she happens to be sleeping with (my words lol) the best evaluating psychologist available and feels sure she can get us in soon. A few days later her husband called us himself to say he would like to go to work on his upcoming day off to see us, can we make it? YEP!

Teena went through the same series of testing, over about 6 weeks, 2-3 hour evals at a time. The results show she has ADHD. In fact, she is in the 97th percentile of attention deficit. I was shocked it was that bad, I guess I've become acclimated a bit. If you go to your nearest bouncy house or Chuck E and pull out 100 random children, only 2 will have a harder time than Teena with focus. Wow.

Meds- The Invention of Satan

My mother feels strongly that psychiatric medication was invented by Satan himself to create an endless source of money for greedy bastards, off the "so called problems" of others. Therapy, that's what you need. Talk about your problems and they will go away. Woosh!

She is not alone. Lots of folks believe that the act of buying prescribed medication puts cash directly into the hands of terrorists. Particularly when it comes to medication for children, there are tons of people out there who believe that a good spanking and some structure will cure all emotional and behavioral disorders. There is the Holier Than Thou group that says "I would NEVER drug my child, I will LOVE my child". Then there is the You are a Lazy Parent group. Parents who put their children on meds just don't want to discipline. They want to watch Real Housewives of Idaho without having to get up to pour water on the fire the child just started in the carpet.

Here is what irritates me..... I am consistently hearing or reading statements like "everyone agrees medications are over-perscribed" or "we all know these meds are over used" etc, and where I find these statements are directly following a persons explanation of why they are using psych meds themselves or with their children. It has become the common disclaimer. "Well, I use them but I agree that too many people rely on them".

Really?

Who?

As much as I love and adore the Motherlode blog at the New York Times, I found similar comments in a blog post there. It seems every time an article is written about the over use of medication or the (pseudo) reasons they really don't work, the people who rush to defend the use feel compelled to say it. Meds saved my life but are given out too quickly.

Again, who exactly are those others?

Not you of course.

Clearly there are people out there who abuse medications. There are people who abuse cough syrup. There are people who abuse spray paint. There are people who abuse the dusting stuff in a can for your computer keyboard. There is the abomination of people who trick doctors into diagnosing their child with a mental or physical illness in order to obtain cash in the form of SSI. It happens. It is child abuse. Wherever there is a system to help people there will always be jackasses who take advantage in ugly ways. 

So for the people who believe that all doctors do is prescribe medication, I have this to say. That's their job. You go to a doctor for a problem, who has spent a thousand years getting that degree, and if there is a medication to help that problem, you will probably get a prescription to take home with you.

Here is the problem as I see it. You hired the wrong person to consult with.

If you are looking for a treatment for your child's symptoms of mental illness, see a therapist.

If you are looking for help with your child's behavior, see a Behavior Management professional.

If you are looking for information about the effects of food on your child, see a nutritionist.

If you want information on vitamin supplements for your child, go into any vitamin store and the staff will talk the ears right off your head.

If you want to know about alternatives such as acupuncture, find an acupuncturist!

If you think your child is over-medicated, tell the doctor NO. NO more meds, NO more of this med. NO thank you I don't want meds.

If you want to complain that too many children are diagnosed with a mental illness, behavior/emotional issues etc, I will absolutely agree with you. However, to attribute the issue to the doctor who identified the disorder is just pure jackassery. If you feel the need to complain about the rate of occurrence look around you.

What the hell is causing our children so many problems?

Did you know that fruit pesticides are known to cause ADHD? Did you know that those pesticides are in the bodies of over 90% of all children in this country? Of course if you take that child with ADHD symptoms to a psychiatrist you will probably get a script. If you take that child to a nutritionist you will likely get a recommendation to buy only organic fruit and use and Omega 3-6-9 supplement. If you take the child to a Behavior Specialist you will get a list of things to do such as keep a quiet, dimly lit area with minimal decor for your child to decompress when hyper.

100 years ago, children were not diagnosed with ADHD. 100 years ago, mothers did not have jet fuel show up in their breast milk. 100 years ago you could walk out to just about any body of water in this country and swim in it. You could fish in it and then eat the fish. Pink Slime was not yet invented.

I guess in previous generations people believed that doctors knew everything. In the year 2012, it has become so incredibly complex and multifaceted, no single person or profession is going to have expertise on all of it. Tremendous leaps happen every day in all domains of human biology. We have to stop expecting to be told. We also have to stop blaming the person we can see and start thinking about the gargantuan environmental mess we have made.



("YOU" refers to all the complainers, blamers, diminishers, people who do not take responsibility for their health care, or wait to be told what to do. "YOU" does not refer to the reader here) .

She LOVES me!

I was starting to feel depressed last fall about the responses I never got from Oprah. I spent a good number of years trying to get her attention. Nothing. Over and over and over I filled out little surveys and questionnaires, audience applications,  and wrote essays about myself, my love for Oprah and my love/need of a good makeover.

I stalked her website and took every opportunity for a "last minute" reservation ever listed. I got her magazine and tried to live my best life while simultaneously maintaining my pathetic self "as is". Make no mistake, that sort of thing is tricky. Fortunately I am not all that ambitious and watching reality TV while on the couch sort of covered it.

I entered sweepstakes, contests and whatever the hell else I could find. I bugged my friends and family to think of who they might know that could help (useless).

Alas, Oprah did hear me not.

Truthfully, I was getting a bit annoyed. How many times did I need to type out my crappy life story? How pitiful does a person need to be? I mean, as far as shit that sucks, I got it going on! Pa. Thet. Ic!!!

Not only did Oprah hear me not, she never answered me either. Then, her show ended and with it all my dreams of a best life.

I wondered if I had gotten myself on some sort of shit- list.  

BUT WAIT, Oprah is so magical and awesome and omniscient, she started her OWN TV channel! Wow, talk about living the dream.  Alas, The Mighty Dish Network of Asshats appear to decide on a daily basis whether our household will have access to OWN, or not. Sometimes it's there, mostly there is a big ugly hole staring at me from where Ope should be. Of course I could take money out of my daughters college funds and upgrade our satellite package but that just doesn't seem like a responsible- adult thing to do. I don't think Ope would approve. I have no problem selling some of my husbands ugly crap to raise money but he is starting to catch on. Besides, do you know how much ugly crap goes for these days? The recession has even destroyed the market for ugly crap! Al Gore surely had some hand in that, just ask my Dad.

Shortly after the death of The Oprah Show, I got no less than 2 emails from excited readers pointing me to her website where she was starting some sort of on line Be The Best You kind of thing. She would gather all the people she thinks are awesome, and have them talk at you for like, 16 hours. Mostly her guest choices were not  people I thought of as the coolest, but obviously I was wrong because Oprah said so. Whatever. You had to sign up all official like to view this show and the first million signer uppers would get a FREE journal straight from the hands of Ope!

I applied.

Twice.

I was supposed to receive my happiness journal in 6-8 weeks. Which, of course, went by with another 3-4 weeks of nothing happening as well. Now I'm starting to get angry. It just so happened that I was online, on her website when that journal giveaway hit. I SAW IT COME ON. So I KNOW without a doubt that I was one of the first few people to request that journal. Leaving like 999,997 for other people. It never came.

I did some thinking. Exactly how obnoxious does Oprah think I am? Could I have made Oprah so irritated that she personally watched the applications come in so she could strike me from the list? Time for some introspection. I don't especially care for introspection, it gets boring in there.  Nope, gotta' say, I genuinely don't think I ever crossed the line from fan to super scary stalker. Really!

Until one day, magic happened. I pried open my dented victim- of- mailbox- baseball mail box to find a package from Oprah. 

LORDY THE EXCITEMENT!

It was a stellar day, because I also received my free sample of Keurig coffee pods. I tell you, I love that little machine but feel like I ought to at least be getting my laundry done for what those pods cost.

*cue virtuous angels caroling from nigh or something*

TADA!!!

 (note the gross vile carpet from the 80's as evidence I am not living my best possible life) (too bad there is not smell-o- internets for you)

Here are some very helpful hints from inside the front cover:

Sadly, as I mentioned, my access to OWN is sketchy. But I WOULD watch it, even all the Dr. Phil reruns!

If you are wondering, no, I have not written anything in it. I have not yet discovered anything important enough to memorialize in my Oprah's Lifeclass journal. Certainly I won't be putting my grocery list in it. Maybe I should note my favorite deodorant though, since I bought the wrong kind 4 consecutive times now.

Since Ope only interviews Super Highly Important Untouchable Slightly Boring People now, I am officially giving up. Leaving me with no one to stalk. I can't stalk Ellen, though I'm sure she is a delightful person, her show makes my brain burn. Maybe Dr Phil or Rosie, I have always liked them both. Although that Lisa Ling seems lovely, I would probably get on her nerves fast. I won't mention any other talk show hosts who I might find creepy or too happy on the network.

Okay then, Dr Phil? Or Rosie?

Dr Phil has the advantage that I can actually WATCH his show but Rosie seems more likely to want to give some pitiful midwestern Mom a makeover.

What to do.

Our Elf

So, this Elf on a Shelf seemed like a fun idea. You have this little stuffed elf -looking thing that comes with a story. The story is all about how the elf is Santa's biggest tattletale, he flies off every night to the North Pole and rats out the children who were giant butt heads all day. There are all kinds of rules, you have to name him before he can work, then he cannot be touched by a child or it could set off a hurricane in Minnesota or something. The elf mysteriously appears someplace different every morning  (courtesy of parents grunting in the night to each other half asleep "did you remember to move that effing elf?") The idea being,  the parent can prevent an epic wango tango just by referencing said elf. "Look there, raging child on the ceiling, maybe you shouldn't be throwing things and shrieking in front of the elf!"

I dunno, maybe our elf is broken.

I had some concern about my children naming their elf. My daughters have been known to select odd names for their dolls and multiplying multiples of stuffed animals. Genea, she is a practical little girl and she gives her things names that are easy to remember. Dolphie, for example, is her dolphin pillow pet. Zeebie, her stuffed zebra. Her favorite doll is named  Alissa, and that is about as wildly creative as she gets. She has a bear named Bearie.  Everyone else gets dumped on the floor, unidentified.

Teena, she has some more creative names for her non ambulatory fuzzy things. However, they are not exactly typical names. Well, and I think there is really no great way to put this, they are not typical unless you are a stripper. Then, the names are great. She has a raccoon named Cherry. Her two favorite dolls are named Jasmine Kiley and Ella Star. There is a stuffed little pet that she insisted had a name on the tag but she couldn't read it. I told her at least 72 times that there was no name on the label, it just said what the fabrics were. She INSISTED the name was on there and I must just not be reading it right. I really thought about it, should I or shouldn't I? I really do consider these things before I do them. May not seem that way, but it's true. Fine, I told her, it says polyester. So there you have it folks, we have a purple puppie Little Pet named Polyester.

Other popular names from her zoo include, Sparkle, Glitter, and Butterfly Rainbow. Maybe they are hippie strippers. 

So you can see where I might be a smidge apprehensive about what they would call this elf. Of course despite all evidence they decided it is a girl. In order to save my sanity from them shouting out names for 3 hours and then asking me, what was that name I said before? I gave them some paper and told them to write up lists of the names they would like to give this elf. I was worried about how we would pick one over the other without involving the National Guard but then had the brilliant idea to give the elf 2 names, one from each kid .  Duh to me.

The lists came up typical. Tallie, because the elf has a tall hat. Sparkle, because someone loves things that sparkle. Elfie, Elfa, and Elfine were options given (ick to all! I mean, I know it's not MY elf but seriously!). I finally got over myself and my desire to have an elf with some sort of normal name and told them to each pick their favorite name off their lists and that would be it.


So, I introduce to you, Ms Brave Tiara.

Seriously. That's the name they picked!


It doesn't tell you exactly in the book how to use the elf to your best advantage, so I had to improvise. Sometimes I holler " You better hope Brave Tiara didn't hear you yelling about putting away your damn laundry, that would totally get you on the wrong list!" (I like to think our elf has a robust vocabulary). Otherwise, I address the elf directly. Also, loudly. "Did you see that Brave Tiara? That kid just whined about her dinner and stomped her feet what with all the starving children Santa goes to visit".

Did I mention the girls really love this elf? They are so excited by it that every morning they get up at least one full hour early to search for it. Then they find it in about 3 minutes. Now they are all amped up,  have 57 minutes to kill, and their parents are trying desperately to hold on to those last minutes of sleep. Lazy ass adults.



So, sometimes it works and sometimes not so much. A few times a kid has gone running off to be out of the line of Brave Tiara's sight while simultaneously flipping their fit. That's right, she will go around the corner where Brave Tiara can't see her and throw down with the wango tango.

Yes children, if Santa and Brave Tiara can SEE you, they can also HEAR you.

And by the way girls, if Santa comes here and sees this mess of your toys he is going to turn right back around and leave. He will think you have too much and can't take care of what you have. Just sayin'.


So, I did a Christmas card this year. I won a free set from Shutterfly courtesy of Kingdom of Chaos. I can't put up the whole thing because I used the girls real names (no point sending a card with their stage names to my relatives!). But here are some outtakes.

And here is the final picture that I used. I was honestly just happy to have a clear picture where both girls are looking in the general vicinity of the camera. I gave up any hope for happy expressions after about a minute. Also I will admit to much photographer error. Whatever.

Peace and Laughter

Wishing you Happy Holidays

Blah blah blah

Genea (8) and Teena (6)

I really loved that I found a card that said "Peace and Laughter" on it. That's my perfect message. I just want to have some peace and a little laughter in this life. Seriously.

Gimme-an "I", gimme-an "E", gimme-a "P"!!!

Still seeking an IEP for Genea.

We had her Parent- Teacher Conference this week, and it seemed to go well. The school psychologist sat in and even still, it lasted less than an hour.

Funny side note- my friend Sarah calls it the "Conference Walk of Shame", when the discussion of your child annihilates the time slots for 3 more kids, thereby throwing every single parent off track at least 45 minutes for the rest of the night. You slink out of the classroom, eyes to the floor, knowing that the other parents are wishing long forms of ill- will towards you. Ahem.

Anyway, Genea is not currently receiving extra support in school. She has an unofficial accomodation plan, which is essentially notes from last years teacher to this one. Otherwise, she has always skated the line and landed in "low average" in testing. She is not disruptive, she gets enough work done to grade. She was tested in 1st grade for speech and language, and it turned out she was faking a fluency disorder. The standard in our schools is the childs disability has to interfere with learning to be considered for an IEP and Genea's disabilities have not.

Mrs Teacher shyly brings up the mess of Genea's homework, like she wishes she didn't have to. This is what I said. I check her school folder every day whether she says she has homework or not. We make Genea and her sister go to their room for an hour every day to do schoolwork. The lights are dim and the room is quiet.  No talking, no radio, etc.  My husband and I then remind her on average 3-5 times an evening to put it in her backpack. She has a little book on a ring that I made her with detailed lists of the few things she needs to get done. We refer her to check her book another 2-3 times an evening. There are only 2 choices left at that point. We actually do it for her (umm, NOPE) or we beat the crap out of her when she "forgets" (also, NOPE). So, we let her suffer the consequences at school. That's going to have to suffice.

In comes Mr. Psych saying (20 minutes late), ok, lets start at the beginning! I must have audibly groaned, instead of groaning in my head like I planned, because right away he took it back by asking Mrs Teacher, what are some of Genea's strengths. Ok, great! Let's start there!

Mrs Teacher rambled through a few things about how Genea likes school, and she tries very hard, blah blah blah. I nodded frequently and tried to look supportive. Meanwhile, I am trying to shift my balance in a way that does not involve one ass cheek hanging off a chair meant for an 8 year old. There is just no dignity to be had on those little chairs. I didn't chime in. First of all, I have learned to not jabber on, making these things go longer than they need to. Secondly, I appreciate the effort to Be! Positive!, but the fact is I am well aware of my daughters fantastic strengths, of which there are many. Now, we NEED to work on other area's so lets please just get to the point.

Mr Psych asks if Genea has any mental health diagnosis. Umm, SURE, which ones do you want? Because we have Reactive Attachment Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and PTSD. Maybe a few others I forget. But I pointed out, you may as well call it LMNOP Disorder, because with all that overlap none of it really answers anything. Messed Up by Orphange Life Disorder. FUBAR'd by Adults Disorder. Don't Ask Me to Finish My Homework, I'll Show You! Disorder. I explain Genea's background of extreme neglect, instability, abandonment and of course the fucktardmoron family. Moving on.

Mr Psych then wants to know is Genea in any therapy. Yes! I can say! We just saw a new psychologist last week! He spent an hour with Genea, then suggested putting together a "team" of professionals to work out a true diagnosis and intervention. She sees her new child psychiatrist next week! (Incidentally, Teena also had an intake appointment that day for possible ADHD. They do several appointments with testing and evaluations across a couple of months before they will come to a conclusion, however at the end of Teena's time, the New Guy says..... "quite frankly, she is really hyperactive". I KNOW THAT!)

Mrs. Teacher has a few concerns. Number one is Genea's inability to focus. I explain 'hypervigilance" as opposed to ADHD, and while she still carries that diagnosis I am now certain it is not accurate in the sense that she has no attention span at all but it's not due to the same region of the brain that causes ADHD. She goes on about how Genea plays with her hair, monitors everything but her paper,and needs constant teacher attention to get back on track. Hmmm, I think in my brain, I bet she's manufacturing a lot of that to suck in teacher time. Ahem. I let them know that Genea is the same at home. In fact at home she paces. Back and forth, back and forth, for hours at a time. She is never actually doing anything, but she tries to make it look like she has very important business on the other side of the room. The side she just left 7 seconds ago. And back again.

Next, Mrs Teacher shows us an assignment. The writing is large and off- lines. She has written 3 sentences about a "recent event in her life that she enjoyed". She has been telling Mrs Teacher that she just can't remember anything else. So those 3 sentences is what Genea has completed after a WEEK. Mmm. Now I am sure Genea is jacking her around. I explain a little about RAD to her. It's a hard thing to explain to a bright- eyed teacher in her 20's, who is incidentally pregnant, that this sweet, adorable, little 8 year old girl is lying her ass off in order to suck you in, but I tried. I let her know that of all the things in this world that Genea knows, FOOD is one of her favorite things. There is just no way she went to The Nasty Buffet and can't remember anything about it. She always eats the same thing, mac and cheese with a side pile of broccolli. She lives for that ice cream machine with all the germ infested toppings next to it. I gently tried to explain to Mrs Teacher that  she was getting played. I tried to soften it a little by letting her know that if Genea is playing you, it means she likes you! Really! She doesn't waste her time, otherwise she would dedicate her school time to sucking someone else in!

Not sure if that helped or not.

Anyway, it's about this time that I realize I have a booger growing in my left nostril. It feels as if it may have dislodged itself and is precariously balanced in there with the potential to vacate the premises, if you know what I mean. Mr Psych and Mrs Teacher continue their meeting while I try to figure out what to do about this growing emergency. A few discrete wipes does nothing, but also does not make it worse. I try to focus on breathing out the right side nostril so as not to cause any turbulance on the left. Sigh. The things I have to deal with.

Anyway, Mrs Teacher has a few more points to make. Genea is at a "Level J" in reading, which is a starting 2nd grade level, and has made no progress since starting 3rd. (I really think all of 2nd grade was a useless disaster). She hates to write and tries to get out of it. She seems to understand math, but has not come near mastery of the concepts.  She is behind, and falling further behind. Mrs Teacher has a few ideas that she wants to try which sound good. Specialized reading help, stuff like that.

(Just a note that this is what I have worried about all along. I could see this coming, the day Genea started school 3 years ago. The gap between what kids in 3rd grade are capable of and what she is capable of is getting wider and wider. I have said this over and over, and expressed that I have been trying to avoid it getting to this point every year for 4 grades now. So can we please fucking do something this time?)

Mr Psych then makes a comment that has me wanting to shove his non-dangling ass cheek off of his 3rd grader- chair. He says, "well, I'm on the fence. Mrs Teacher is going to start some exciting new strategies, and since Genea is starting with counseling I think we should wait and see how it goes".

Here's is what I am thinking:

"OH NO THE HELL YOU WILL NOT WAIT AND SEE YOU LITTLE PENCIL PUSHER! I HAVE BEEN GOING AT THIS FOR YEARS NOW AND THIS TIME I AM NOT! LETTING! IT! GO! SO GEAR UP MISTER PSYCH MAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME TO WAIT AND SEE SINCE SHE MOVED IN AND THE REST OF THEM WERE WRONG AND THIS IS BULLSHIT I WILL NOT BE WAITING AND SEEING ABOUT ANYTHING!"

 As my eyelids levitated, I tried asking the teacher if she felt that all these extra unofficial accommodations were really sustainable in her grade and in future years. You know, like, I know there are other kids in the class and while I appreciate you wanting to be almost a 1:1 with my daughter, the other kids really do deserve an education as well. OF COURSE! She rushes to assure me, SURE! She is smiling and defending herself and teachers everywhere. We can do it!

My brain groaned again.


But then I am also thinking, what if they are worried I might be upset if my child has special needs? Maybe they want to soft-pedal the point in time where they say, your kid isn't making it and probably can't. Most parents will take that hard. However, I adopted Genea knowing ahead of time that this time would come so, no devastation here. I decide to get to the point, not to mention I can hear at least 2 families shuffling around in the hall waiting for their turns.

I turn and look directly at Mr. Psych.
"I want Genea on an IEP. She has significant delays, she is not getting better. She needs extra help."

"well," he says, "we have all these things we want to try......"

I cut him off. I said, "Look, Genea is doing better right now than she ever has. In the past 6 months she has significantly improved. And she is still falling behind. She needs the extra help."

Then I employed one of my favorite strategies to get the other person to show their hand. Silence. And Staring. Mr Psych bends his head over his notepad and I catch him giving Mrs Teacher the side eye. Mrs Teacher is giving him the side eye back. Finally he says, okay, I will write up a referral for her and start testing for learning disablities. We will have a meeting to discuss the results in 6 weeks or so.

Great! That's all I wanted!

So, how're the kids doing with school?

My friend asked me that question last week and my immediate reply was..... "good!".

I paused. "Well, good for us, I think".

I paused again.

"Hmmm, maybe my standards have been lowered".

Because seriously, my goals for each day are:
1. Get kids out of house
2. Kids stay at school
3. No teacher calls, emails or other sneaky types of contact
4. Kids return home when they are supposed to and not before.

It's been about 3 weeks and so far it's been..... sketchy. Teena is forgetting her homework and trying to be friends with some vile brat who does not want to be friends with her. It's making me sick to hear about this wretched child being mean to my daughter and she keeps trying anyway to be friends anyway. Her teacher called yesterday to tell me Teena did not want hot lunch, and did not bring cold lunch. Ummm, ok.... thanks? Teena has a long history of being uninterested in food. Nothing they can do about it.

Genea has hit the skids. She no likey change in! any! way!!! She has the rest of her life scheduled to be exactly the same as yesterday. So school starting and a new grade/ room/ teacher/ kids/ schedule etc. are all factors consipiring against her stability. Since stability would now be a change, I'm thinking we are scuuuuh- rewed.

She is having a grand old time manipulating her teacher and in general being a high-preforming radlet. Skills and talent people. Sadly for Genea, her mother has a big mouth with fast clickie fingers and is keeping the teacher updated and informed of attempted manipulation. Email. I love it.

From: Mrs. Accident
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2011 5:28 PM

Hi Mrs Teacher, this is Mrs Accident, Genea's mom. Genea told me that she forgot her homework and her snack box at school today. Please feel free to keep her in from recess to do her work. She is the sort of child who is very linear in her thinking. So, if she gets away with something one time, that's all she needs to keep trying again and again. She does not learn from second chances. A second chance will always be in her mind as a possibility and she will continue to try for a very long time. However, if she has a quick logical consequence she is much more likely to do it right next time. Same thing with her snack. She has many food issues resulting from early life in an orphanage in eastern Europe and she can be very persistent in her attempts to get more, get better, get bigger, etc. She already forgot it once this year and I believe she is seeking out the classroom supplies. I know you have a generous policy to give a back up snack to students, and I don't want her to get upset but I don't want her to make this a habit either. Maybe she could have a smaller portion? Or a less popular one? 

From: Mrs Teacher
To: Mrs Accident
Subject: RE: Genea
Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2011 00:58:21 +0000

Thank you for contacting me. I appreciate the background information very much. I will plan to keep her in at recess tomorrow to get her caught up. I have not yet been doing that with other students, but do start incorporating that policy before too long when work is missing. I have no problem having her make up the work at recess time. I will keep in my the snack situation if she forgets again.
 
On another note, I've noticed Genea has a very difficult time focusing. She is easily distracted by even the smallest movements or noises. I do have her seated right in the front. I'm just concerned about the number of times she needs refocusing/redirection during a single class period. I understand there have been concerns in the past, but I wanted to check with you and see if this seems typical or if her attention span seem to be sliding.

 

(why did that highlight? NO friggin idea)

From: Mrs. Accident
Sent: Wednesday, September 14, 2011 11:01 PM
To: Mrs Teacher
Subject: Genea

Thanks for your help!
  Genea had a rough afternoon. She did her reading when she got home, but then fell asleep for 2 hours. We had dinner, and then she did 2 of the 3 assignments by 8 but then had to go to bed. School drains her quite a bit and she usually takes a 1-2 hour nap. I'm concerned that she is already falling behind, and it looks like the work is going to be harder for her this year. Hopefully she just needs some time to settle in.

  Genea has what is called "hyper-vigilance". It presents just like ADHD but the origin is post-traumatic stress. Typical ADHD meds have made her violent. She does take a non-stimulant medication to address the attention related symptoms but is maxed out on the dose already. Hyper-vigilance is based in the need to constantly monitor her environment for changes, to keep herself safe. From what you wrote, I wonder if she would do better in the back of the room, where she could see everyone and would know they were all safe. That way she wouldn't have to turn around and check all the time. The tiniest little noise will break her focus and she has a hard time regaining it, I'm sure you noticed! That's a thought I just had, I have no idea what the result would be. I'm guessing this will fade as she gets used to the class but it has been an on-going issue and might not get much better.

Ideally, I believe she needs a place like the old "resource rooms", where kids could go and get extra time  in a quiet place with just a few other kids. So far she has not met the criteria for an IEP however like I said, I am very concerned that the gap is getting wider from what she is able to do vs what is expected of 3rd grade children. Genea is a perceptive little girl and will realize this, which will then cause her stress and make it all worse. She has had a variety of mental health diagnosis which seem to be affecting her ability to learn. Could she possibly be eligible to be evaluated by the district?

The good news is she remembered that snack cup! She announced it to me first thing off the bus- didn't say hi or anything, lol! 

From: Mrs. Teacher
To: Mrs Accident
Subject: RE: Genea
Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2011 16:06:24 +0000

I checked into something as far as getting her evaluated. If I have consent from you in writing that you would like her tested for special education services, that could get things started quickly. Let me know what you think about that.

Thank you!

From: Mrs. Accident
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 3:43 PM
To:Mrs TEacher
Subject: RE:Genea

No problem. Is there a form or should I just write something up?

About her snack time at school, she told me today that she lied to you and said she did not have a snack with her. She did. I figured it out because her snack cup had the same crackers in it that I put in there last night. Yesterday, she swiped a cup of oranges out of our cabinet instead of taking what she should have. Just fyi. I wonder if we can circumvent this problem by having a stash of something for her at school. Would you be able to keep a box of crackers or something for her there (I mean, I would provide it) that she could take from at snack time? I'm afraid she will continue to try to "work the system" here. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal but she will keep trying if she thinks there is a chance she can get more.

To: Mrs. Accident
From: Mrs. Teacher

I think having a snack stash for her at school might be a good idea. Let’s try that.

So, that summarizes our school year so far!