Tuesday, February 21, 2012

She LOVES me!

I was starting to feel depressed last fall about the responses I never got from Oprah. I spent a good number of years trying to get her attention. Nothing. Over and over and over I filled out little surveys and questionnaires, audience applications,  and wrote essays about myself, my love for Oprah and my love/need of a good makeover.

I stalked her website and took every opportunity for a "last minute" reservation ever listed. I got her magazine and tried to live my best life while simultaneously maintaining my pathetic self "as is". Make no mistake, that sort of thing is tricky. Fortunately I am not all that ambitious and watching reality TV while on the couch sort of covered it.

I entered sweepstakes, contests and whatever the hell else I could find. I bugged my friends and family to think of who they might know that could help (useless).

Alas, Oprah did hear me not.

Truthfully, I was getting a bit annoyed. How many times did I need to type out my crappy life story? How pitiful does a person need to be? I mean, as far as shit that sucks, I got it going on! Pa. Thet. Ic!!!

Not only did Oprah hear me not, she never answered me either. Then, her show ended and with it all my dreams of a best life.

I wondered if I had gotten myself on some sort of shit- list.  

BUT WAIT, Oprah is so magical and awesome and omniscient, she started her OWN TV channel! Wow, talk about living the dream.  Alas, The Mighty Dish Network of Asshats appear to decide on a daily basis whether our household will have access to OWN, or not. Sometimes it's there, mostly there is a big ugly hole staring at me from where Ope should be. Of course I could take money out of my daughters college funds and upgrade our satellite package but that just doesn't seem like a responsible- adult thing to do. I don't think Ope would approve. I have no problem selling some of my husbands ugly crap to raise money but he is starting to catch on. Besides, do you know how much ugly crap goes for these days? The recession has even destroyed the market for ugly crap! Al Gore surely had some hand in that, just ask my Dad.

Shortly after the death of The Oprah Show, I got no less than 2 emails from excited readers pointing me to her website where she was starting some sort of on line Be The Best You kind of thing. She would gather all the people she thinks are awesome, and have them talk at you for like, 16 hours. Mostly her guest choices were not  people I thought of as the coolest, but obviously I was wrong because Oprah said so. Whatever. You had to sign up all official like to view this show and the first million signer uppers would get a FREE journal straight from the hands of Ope!

I applied.


I was supposed to receive my happiness journal in 6-8 weeks. Which, of course, went by with another 3-4 weeks of nothing happening as well. Now I'm starting to get angry. It just so happened that I was online, on her website when that journal giveaway hit. I SAW IT COME ON. So I KNOW without a doubt that I was one of the first few people to request that journal. Leaving like 999,997 for other people. It never came.

I did some thinking. Exactly how obnoxious does Oprah think I am? Could I have made Oprah so irritated that she personally watched the applications come in so she could strike me from the list? Time for some introspection. I don't especially care for introspection, it gets boring in there.  Nope, gotta' say, I genuinely don't think I ever crossed the line from fan to super scary stalker. Really!

Until one day, magic happened. I pried open my dented victim- of- mailbox- baseball mail box to find a package from Oprah. 


It was a stellar day, because I also received my free sample of Keurig coffee pods. I tell you, I love that little machine but feel like I ought to at least be getting my laundry done for what those pods cost.

*cue virtuous angels caroling from nigh or something*


 (note the gross vile carpet from the 80's as evidence I am not living my best possible life) (too bad there is not smell-o- internets for you)

Here are some very helpful hints from inside the front cover:

Sadly, as I mentioned, my access to OWN is sketchy. But I WOULD watch it, even all the Dr. Phil reruns!

If you are wondering, no, I have not written anything in it. I have not yet discovered anything important enough to memorialize in my Oprah's Lifeclass journal. Certainly I won't be putting my grocery list in it. Maybe I should note my favorite deodorant though, since I bought the wrong kind 4 consecutive times now.

Since Ope only interviews Super Highly Important Untouchable Slightly Boring People now, I am officially giving up. Leaving me with no one to stalk. I can't stalk Ellen, though I'm sure she is a delightful person, her show makes my brain burn. Maybe Dr Phil or Rosie, I have always liked them both. Although that Lisa Ling seems lovely, I would probably get on her nerves fast. I won't mention any other talk show hosts who I might find creepy or too happy on the network.

Okay then, Dr Phil? Or Rosie?

Dr Phil has the advantage that I can actually WATCH his show but Rosie seems more likely to want to give some pitiful midwestern Mom a makeover.

What to do.


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