Payback

Last weekend the girls went to my parents house to stay a few days. Lovely as they are, the trip was cut short. They stayed for 2 nights.

Genea is not a child who enjoys change so while she loves her Grandparents, she prefers to just visit and only to visit with her people then leave. The people she owns that is, her parents. This is an incredible testament to her bond with us, a bond we had no idea about ahead of time. We had all our little visits with SUCH a different child than the one who woke up from her nap the day she moved in, that we had no way to even guess as to whether a bond would occur or would we be counting our knives every night.

So to stay a couple of overnights is a big deal. Even though her sister goes with her, I think for the rest of her life she may never feel 100% sure that her people will always be where she can find them. We know this is big for her. We also know that she needs to do it, and we need her to do it. I make no apologies for pushing her and while I may feel like I am circling the drain regularly without any scrubbing bubbles, I can point confidently to the results.

How does that saying go? Payback is a bitch? No, I can clear that up, Payback is a freaked out 5 year old. Payback is the 5 year old holding so much in for so many days that when she blows....well you really don't want to be here. We held a refresher course in my house this weekend, of every obnoxious, annoying, drive your last nerve through a paper shredder, behavior that Genea could come up with. To be clear, I am not blaming. This child really has survived so much and I know very well that her behavior is a manifestation of deeply held anxiety, stress, and helpless-ness brought on by fear of separation and abandonment. However.

She started on Saturday morning by waking up everyone in the house 30 minutes before she is allowed to get up. She lied and said she was sick. She opened the patio door so her sister could go outside at 7 am in her jammies. She said she had not eaten when she had. She walks back and forth taking things off of shelves and putting them back off kilter so she can breeze by later and knock them over. She would not sit down. She would rock, squat, stand, balance on the chair whatever, but could not stay in one place. She walked directly in front of the TV and started singing. She was then offended when she was asked to stop singing. She waits for her sister to move towards something, then runs in front of her and snatches it. She pushes everyone out of the way so she can be first. She antagonizes the cat. She follows us so directly up our butts that we literally and often, trip over her. She instigates and antagonizes. She cheats, she takes and grabs. She demands. When she is not demanding she is whining. She wants she wants she wants. Whatever it is she knows she can't have then she has a fit over it. Throws her food wrapper on the floor. Lies she didn't do it. Pee's on herself, sits on the couch and sits on the carpet. Wants to go outside. Wants to come in. Wants her blue dress which she knows is dirty. Knocks over a box of toys. Can't find all the pieces. Bosses and tattles. Demands attention. Doesn't want attention. Wants to know if I want coffee when I am making the damn coffee. Wants to know if I like coffee. What? Pretends she did not hear my answer. Now wants to know why. This is how we started the day. On and on.

And all this is, is payback. Payback for my delightful weekend that is now long over. My weekend, that like the other weekends we have had child-free recently, was spent at home. When I know I have a free weekend coming up I plan wildly. Going to the mall. Going out to dinner where there are no talking animals. Going out for drinks. Stop at Starbucks every time I go out. Talking to adults. Crazy, wild stuff. Instead, I do none of this. I rest. I drug myself so that stupid biological where -is- my-kid shit doesn't wake me up and I can sleep through the night. 4 hours or more consecutively. Now, I get my payback.

Genea is a bright child. For a long time I worried that her emotional problems would get in the way of her learning and using information, sort of weighing down the daily allotment of brain power with a bunch of crap. Thankfully this is not the case. She has such a skill of knowing how to crawl directly under your skin for maximum irritation, the CIA would be impressed.

Payback is a 5 year old.