I am a Judge Judy person. Nothing makes me happier than watching her nail some dipshit for their dumb assed decisions. Really I am smiling just thinking about it. But in my part of the country, you have to pick. Judy or Oprah. I used to be big on Ope, but over 20 years I have run hot and cold. The past few years have been so spiritually focused I have been mostly uninterested. My spirit is more entertained watching Judge Judy wipe the floor with dumb people. I sit and cheer like I am watching football. I even put my children in to "quiet time rest" in their room, which they mostly cooperate with.
So anyway, I watched Oprah earlier this week and again today. The subject was talking to your kids about sex, especially your daughters and especially that you better get started way before you think you need to. Blugg hooo.
I watched this woman being told she needs to talk to her 10 year old about all of it. I watched the poor woman's eyes bug when she realized she should be talking about the mechanics of sex and masturbation. Then there is this adorable 10 year old girl with short hair and glasses asking her mom questions. And the mom is tearing up saying, she was just a baby a few years ago, how can I need to be talking to her about this already! UGHah.
I have to confess, my eyes watered up too. My girls are 4 and almost 6 and I haven't even hinted to them about any.... stuff. I should probably be talking to them about good touch and bad touch and all that, but except for Genea going to school they aren't around even anyone but our family. They don't stay anywhere but here or my parents house. But I need to start this.
This leads me to the saying, the days are long but the years are short. Seriously, Teena was a baby just a few months ago. How did she get to be 4 already? That is FOUR YEARS. All of high school! And how did that happen when every single day seems to take 72 hours to get through? Hmmmm? Maybe I have been watching too much Lost (and too much Oprah) but I just don't see how that is possible. Not to mention Genea, an almost 6 year old. Come on! There has got to be time travel involved. Or something.
Again, I hate sometimes that I know so much. Way too much about how it is these days with pre-teen girls and into puberty and adolescence. I know 11 and 12 and 13 year old girls having sex. Intercourse. Oral. UGH. It is out there. Goo blauh!
I know I have to start this. Start laying the ground work. Having the conversations, starting to put out the information. So when questions come up, they know that I may know something to ask me about, because I have already mentioned it. Hoah gabooo.
I do remember though, being a teenager. I was certain my mom had no idea, being among the generation of moms who lived and advocated waiting until marriage before having sex. Which is a great idea and all, but that goes from 0 to 60. I needed to know about 1-59 and it didn't seem like she could tell me with any authority what to do in between. I think my most significant conversations came from an older cousin (Cousin Uni-Bitch) and my older sister. But the down and dirty came from an older male cousin. Cousin Payola coincidentally. He got me on the phone one day, when I was about 15 or 16, asked a few questions, and proceeded to tell me exactly what boys think. Exactly what they want. How, why and what they will do to get it. Exactly. That was the conversation that gave me what I needed to know to make my decisions.
Anyway. Oprah says she has a bunch of links on her website with helpful information. And this Dr. Laura lady has a free pamphlet on how to start the talk and stuff. It is a great point that I want my girls to have the info they need waaaaaay before they need it, and that age is way younger than it used to be. Ughuu. Maybe I'll start taking a nap at 4:00.
Don't freak out. Take it step by step. When they ask (and it usually starts with where do babies come from?) tell them the basics of what they need to know, be completely truthful but don't go into more detail than they need.
ReplyDeleteI remember being in a restaurant bathroom with my friend and our two three-year-old boys when her son wanted to know what the tampon machine was for. She panicked and said they were party favors. Bad move. He wanted her to buy one and had a tantrum when she refused.
I looked at that as a good learning experience that went very wrong.
Hard stuff to talk about. Yup. We have the mini-talks on her level when she instigates it. Most of it is instigated because of her abuse. Pre-J...I thought I might have till 9/10 before it would be brought up. Nope.
ReplyDeleteMy kids know too much! But that is because they are incessant questioners. When I had Evan 4 years ago, Hope was 5, so she started wondering things like, "how does the baby get in there?" and "how does it come out?"
ReplyDeleteI answered her as simply as I could and in as little detail as possible while still answering her question. But she was never satisfied. She kept asking and asking and asking until I finally got to telling her and Joy (who was on board with the asking at this point) basically what sex is and what God designed it for. They were a little dumbfounded and didn't ask again for quite a while. But when they did, we talked more.
It does feel awkward. And of course, you want your daughters to at least be ready for periods - which I thought would freak Hope out even more than sex. But just take it a little at a time. Mostly I try to be very natural about it so they never think sex is something dirty or sinful - just very private between a husband and wife.
And I would think 4 & 6 probably are still a bit young - unless they're asking questions and you can answer them simply.
But then, yeah, you do have to make sure they understand good touch and bad touch. . . wow! Who made us parents anyway???
:) Jen
I am a total prude who ended up with three kids that act out. I started with My Body is Private. It covers what kids need to know in regards to keeping private parts private and touching. Then we would make trips to the library and pick out kid books on babies and sex and stuff but at a little kid level, mostly keeping safety in mind. It is not so bad. You get used to the nightmares after a while.
ReplyDeleteMy kids started asking questions around age 4 or 5. Just simple stuff. We kept it open so it would come up now and then, like that doctor said, so it wasn't just a ONE BIG TALK. I'd check in with them now and then. And gave them each the book for adolescents (one for boys, one for girls) about how their body is changing and what it means. And later, when they were teeangers, the best thing to do is take a car trip with just one of them. You're both stuck, and it's a great opportunity to talk, ask questions, etc. Some of my best talks with my son as a teen happened in the car.
ReplyDeleteI worked with P.S. and did family counseling for years and after learning about what "some of the nicest people and family members" did to kids as young as 4 months old... I decided to talk to my kids about good touch/bad touch before they could talk themselves. Don't be scrared...just talk about it like you would ask if they want juice or milk.
ReplyDelete:)De
Of course if you believe sex is sacred you don't really WANT to talk about it the same way you talk about other everyday things..... Quite.
ReplyDeleteWe have a really nice "Mother Daughter" conference that we put on that sets a groundwork for talking about changes and bodies and all of that stuff. I love the way it works, and though I present it now, originally Lydia and I went to it and it was SO good for us that I wanted to make it available locally. It opens up the conversation for us prudes, and it places it all squarely in the wonder of God's creation, and associates it with purity and modesty, etc. The one Lydia and I attended went a little far in the piety line. I am pious, but not sappy-pious so that was embarrassing. We cut that out, and now have a good conference. WHICH IN NEED TO HOST ANOTHR ONE OF SINCE ANASTASIA IS THAT AGE!
Yes; you are prompting me to get it together!
Of course Nastya already knows it ALL....but let me tell you, it is NOT in any context of holy purity. Nope.
Oh no, I am not going to tell them anything now, they are still too little I think. I am in the pre-dreading stage. But I do want to start, just right now no one asks about anything! No one cares how they got here!
ReplyDelete