This past week I have noticed something new from Genea. And not in a good way. Just when I think, at least I am used to meeting This Crazy in a dark hallway at night in a thunderstorm, here comes a brand new thing.
She has started hitting Teena. Now, believe it or not, I actually had the brief thought that at least this is normal. Normal siblings occasionally try to kill each other or die trying. Get back on the huge super long bus! We got us some normal here! Print up the 3 dollar bills! Nah.
What is happening is not so much hitting as it is hurting. I have seen two incidents myself and The Husband saw the most recent. The girls were outside on the patio playing and running back and forth and I was watching and I saw Genea stick her hand out so Teena would run into it, thereby getting hurt. Teena did not make a fuss, so I did not either. About 10 minutes later though, Genea was on the 3- wheel bike and drove it directly and deliberately into Teenas leg. Which hurt her and broke the skin and caused much crying and hysteria. And Genea just stood there. She briefly tried to cover up what she had done but gave herself up quickly. There was no explanation.
So here is the strange part. There was no anger. There was no frustration, there was no fight, there was no taunting. There was nothing. Genea could have been eating a donut for all the drama that was going on. Nothing. Then at the store yesterday, they were waiting in line and Genea reached out and stomped on Teenas foot. No reason. The Wango Tango is nowhere to be found.
So...... why.... is she doing this? I feel like I must be perceiving all this wrong. I am concerned because they are NOT fighting in anger? You betcha The Crazy must have smooshed off onto me more than just a little. I worry because there is no tantrum going on? Argh. It just is not right. Does The Crazy multiply in the night like rabbits and wire coat hangers? Has The Crazy leaked out to us all?
It is the cold, expressionless unmitigated part I have issue with.
I vaguely remember trying to hurt my sister (she probably remembers it better lol). I mean, kids are just little bundles of freak out. I know for sure I had no hesitation in trying to hurt her in retaliation. My own little personal correction plan where I felt my parents might be slacking off. I have seen other kids doing goofy stuff like that thinking it is fun, especially boys. They will think it is fun to drive the big wheel into another kid cuz it will be fun to watch him fall. I mean, I know it is not great. Hitting, hurting, these are not great social tools for successful interactions. But is it a little normal?
In other Genea news, she has been wonderful all weekend. Actually, for about the past week she has been doing great. I have a theory here. The girls spent half of spring break at my moms. For Genea to survive, she has to invest all the considerable will power that she has just to get through the stress of it. Maintaining herself is a full time job and I think she has to forcefully push herself into a part of her brain that can keep her going. She then stays in that level of cognition for awhile. She has always decompensated and slowly but surely begins to rely on her past methods of coping and then falls apart. So that is my thought. Now, I just have to find a way to keep her in the state of calm, content and happy, and keep her there permanently. Like I never thought of doing that before (*sarcasm to myself*). but really, Lately I have been trying to use a home base. Myself being the base (I am definitely going to redecorate this ugly base lol). When I can see her winding up, instead of giving her suggestions, or redirecting, or ignoring, or the other bazillion techniques I have tried, I have had her come sit with me and just sit. Then we started doing strong sitting together at the time while holding hands and breathing as slowly as we can. I see this as my big opportunity to jump in and change some things up before she starts to fall back into what is her normal and familiar ways of dealing. Again.
Not to change the subject or anything, is it weird to be obsessed with a callous shaver? I have never had a pedicure being as I prefer to try to pretend to not have feet at all. Call it my coping mechanism. Feet are gross and ugly and smelly unless they are on a baby in which case they are totally adorable. Anyway, so I have been totally fascinated with this shaver thing. It looks like a dangerous farm implement in miniature. You drag the razor edge of it across your yucky rough spot and it actually slices and peels it off. So freaking gross. Disgusting! Vile! Cant get enough! Must shaver! Nastiness!
Hmm, so your main concern about Genea is not the actual hurting part, but the fact that she seems to have no emotion about it, right? I don't know that I have any expert advice, but my second daughter has done that kind of thing, too. It's almost as if she just wanted to see what would happen. When/if you ask Genea why she did that, does she deny doing it, or does she just say, "I don't know", or just "Because I felt like it." Again, I have no clear advice, but perhaps writing some of these incidents down and bringing them up with her doctor would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has a bit of ADHD and possibly some ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), both of which have some element of impulsiveness, but ODD would be a more agressive impulsiveness, I think.
I think you are wise to be concerned, but I doubt it's a huge issue. It's our job as parents to teach our children to have a conscience, and it can be quite alarming when we see behavior after which they show no remorse.
Talk to your doc and see what he/she thinks.
Yeah...J had that in spades. It's not pretty and always left me feeling all icky. Usually it meant she was really, really mad at me or there were things she couldn't control.
ReplyDeleteIt could very well be normal because kids do weird things, but isn't it also something some RAD kids do? I know hard it is to tall the difference between normal and not though!
ReplyDeleteoops, I meant, I know how hard it is to tell the difference between normal and not, though!
ReplyDeleteIs G. into a cartoon or a video that features one character deliberately hurting another and subsequently showing no emotion? It could be that she is acting out something that she saw somewhere.
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe is scary because it's not being done as a reprisal for past misdeeds on T's part. I'm familiar with kids scuffling over grievances but aggression without anger is freaky and disturbing.
As for your razor contraption, its use is banned in nail salons in my state. Your messing with a razor, after all, and you run the risk of infection if you cut too deep. Foot cream and those cheese grater-type implements that sort of sand off the dead skin are safer.
CDQ hurts whoever is there because she is mad. Either because she got in trouble, or because she's jealous of the other person being happy, or not in trouble.
ReplyDeleteThere's no reaction to what she does either. She only reacts after she finds out she has consequences for her actions. Then she fake cries and beats herself up.
I think it has to do with the way the child is feeling and wanting others to feel the same way as they do. I mean, how dare anyone be happy if they aren't. You know?
My youngest who has RAD does this, too. He is six. He likes to spontaneously hit, trip, sabotage the other kids and has this calm expression on his face the entire time. I have him do something nice for the other kid, like one of their chores, plus apologize and tell them he loves them. Since doing so, the behavior has greatly diminished. But then again, every kid is different. Your kid might just need to eat bananas afterwards or pretend she is a flight attendant. Who knows with our kids. Maybe she is jealous of your new callous shaver.
ReplyDeleteoh dear, not good that she's hurting with out a fight. I guess that you need to tell her it's not on and tell her again and again and again...
ReplyDeleteAs for the foot thing, they have tons of things like that here. i just cut it and use cream...still look terrible and my boyfriend still likes them and tells me to sort it out. i can't be bothered.
My oldest does this too and it is very disturbing. Sometimes I think he does it because he can. I know he has jealousy toward his sister who I have witnessed him doing it to. I have recently found out he does it to other kids though, for no reason.
ReplyDeleteI used to have the callous shaver too and loved it - until one day when I was getting a pedicure and the girl told me they don't use those anymore(that's where I got the idea in the first place). She said the shaver causes the callouses to come back thicker and ickyer. I guess if you are enjoying the use of it, it doesn't matter though!!
Impulse control vs pre- sociopatic or psychopathic or boderline personality disorder....hmmm, I like option 1.
ReplyDeleteBut I am glad it is not just me finding it all disturbing. We really just addressed it the same as everything else, room time and no "chips" (poker chips they can 'buy' things with, think allowance without cash). The Husband worries we will build resentment if we harp too much on making it up to the kid that was hurt. I dont fully agree, but I dont have any great other ideas. If it keeps up we will plan something specific.
I had heard that callous shavers were falling out of fashion. I think part of the appeal is the danger, and the felonious nature of the activity. LOL!