I Can't Remember

So, years ago I was reading an article about Marie Osmond and how she has many children. Some adopted and some biological. And when people asked her who was who, she would say "I can't remember". I thought that was so cool and a great line. Part of the article discussed adoption and unthinking comments people can make. The point being I think, that all her children were her children and there was no distinction in her mind regarding how anyone appeared in her home.

When The Husband and I were first getting into the process of this adoption, we were handed huge stacks of old faded copies of information to read. Our agency was not the best so a lot of it was repetitive, or outdated. However there was a cord that ran through all of the binders that said, yours and your child's adoption is none of any one's business. Some folks may ask intrusive questions such as "which one is your real child?" and they gave a canned answer for you in case of iffin' you couldn't think of any, to say um, both my children are real did you think they were plastic? It was certainly insinuated that as an adoptive parent, it was somewhat of a duty to have a sassy remark at the ready and to clear up, one meddling person at a time, that questions such as ''was it expensive or did you get a discount" are not appropriate. You must carry this torch and do your part. Aggressively if need be. Okay, count me in.

Yesterday on one of the silly Hollywood TV ahem, 'news' shows, a woman is claiming to be a child of Jerry Lewis. The chippy lady 'reporter' said, he has 6 children all boys, and an adopted daughter. My radar immediately went up, ding ding ding, they shouldn't have said that! Prejudicing comment. Incorrect use of language. Discriminatory use of terminology. They should have said ol' Jer has 7 children and left it at that. Call the PC police. Schedule a protest. Schedule an adoption pride parade immediately following the protest.

That got me to thinking (ack! lol), but wait, if I say things like I can't remember then isn't that saying by default being born here is best or better? If the comment is meant to neutralize the question, when some dipshit asks me who is real and who is adopted, and I tell them I don't know, or they both are real then isn't there a hint that if I won't say who is adopted then being adopted must be second best? Or that being biological is second best from the other side? If my kids hear me not saying all the time, won't they think something is wrong and it must be one of them? I understand there is no good answer to the question especially when you have several children. You don't want to stand there going 'her, and her and him are the real ones". When your family is made up of visually different cultures then that is another level of rudeness. And I think it is rude for people to ask. Really rude. But sometimes I tell people who is who. There is nothing to hide nor be ashamed of. I am proud of both my girls and how they got here. Then I change the subject.

Sometimes I say, one was a gift and one we picked special! We got the best of both! I try to emphasize that both girls arrived in a special way, but I also firmly believe it. If I say I can't remember, doesn't that take away the specialness of both children as individuals? I don't think adoption is something to hide and I want both of my girls to know it and live it. Being the birthed one isn't the better or the worse either.

Then, where I might actually want to 'educate' people or carry the torch is to nudge and say, you can do it too- see? There is nothing special about me and nothing special about you either. You can adopt a child with special needs or older or with medical problems too. See? Here is mine, and she has no horns. Yeah it's hard, a lot of shit is hard. So? It doesn't take a 'very special person', that is an excuse people use that is code for, thank god you did it so I don't have to. 'I could never do that' is the excuse for ugh, I don't want to.


Someday, and someday soon, I will be turning the responsibility over to my girls themselves. They will tell people whatever the heck they want. They will probably make mistakes in judgement and they will hopefully learn from it. They will probably make some stuff up and lie to tweak peoples nerves or check their reactions for fun. They can tell people they are twin aliens if they want to.

These are my thoughts today. I would love to hear what other people think! There are FAR more educated and experienced people than me out there and I would love to hear how you handle intrusive questions and why and what your thought process is. Happy Monday.