Thursday, March 26, 2009

deathbed confessions 1-12

The death plague has come to Wisconsin. The sick that has gone around the country has landed here and attacked me, The Husband, and Genea. Teena is fine. So you can imagine how fun that is.
I have never had a sick that hurt my eyeballs. This must be what migraines feel like, the hospitalizing ones. Moving an eye causes searing pain and a bizarre trail of blinking light.
I'm close to death.
Weird thing, of course Genea has tactile defensive problems. If I rest my hand on her arm, she will move it. If her clothes or a blanket cover the spot she will last longer. She and I were watching TV and she crawled up on my lap. I put my arms around her and rested one hand on her tummy and the other on her side and she left them there! Big news in this part of the woods!
But, back to my impending death. I should take the opportunity to clear up a few things. Before, you know, the super creepy guy with the huge ass machete comes.

1. Yeah Mom, I did. I just never got caught. All of it.
2. I do think it is a big deal if your "number" is over 10.
3. #2 is about you. I am the one dying.
4. OK fine! I ate cookies on your side of the bed. Get over it. I also hid a box of pop tarts for myself. After I die you will never find them.
5. No, seriously, I don't pass gas. I don't care if everyone does, I am a medical miracle. That is a dying utterance and permissible in court. Therefore it is true.
6. Oh yeah, I inhaled. I had a storefront and a drive up window. I inhaled.
7. You remember that horrible knock down fight you and your husband had in front of us? That's why I never called you back.
8. I was one of the girls surprised to find out about the 3 holes down there.
9. Piss off and kiss my ass. I love "s"'s.
10. It wasn't an accident. I cut your Barbie dolls hair. And it was cool.
11. It was me that swiped the letters off your frat house. Shouldn't have moved in so close. Statute of limitations come and gone.
12. oh please Dad, if you didn't want us to steal your cigarettes you shouldn't have tried to hide them from Mom in the first place. We had you over a barrel.

It's late and I am tired. I have no way of knowing if this is funny or just strange. This sick is like having alien worms invade my brain. The alien worms think this is funny. Take it up with them.

7 comments:

  1. I have the same approach to life. I told my husband that when I get old and ugly, that I am also planning on being a total bitch. I'll already be old and ugly so I have that right. Plus, I am nice WAY too much already and that is bound to run out some day.

    Get well soon! I'm sick, too. Next time I blow my nose, I will dedicate it to you.

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    Done.

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  2. The alien worm is right. Pretty darn funny....
    Sorry you're infested with sickness. Run the aliens outta town k?

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  3. How can you be on your deathbed sick and still able to post AND be funny? In my profession medical opinion, I think you will live!

    Your confessions reminded me of a funny thing, when I was a teenager: I came home late one night from a friend's house. My parents pulled me into the living room and sat me down all serious. My dad said, "What do you know about smoking and this family?" I panicked and said, "I only did it one time, I swear!" And my parents were like, "WHAT?! Not you too!!!" I guess they had busted one of my sisters. So much for taking secrets to my grave. At least I didn't rat my sister out. lol.

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  4. Very funny! Get rid of the worms, they aren't good for your brain. But keep the funny!

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  5. oh dear you have worms that are eating your eyes>?? that's got to be worst than my scabies! Take care, we are thinking of you and hope that worms go home soon (ie back to there planet!)

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  6. Ha ha, Paula no, your scabies still win over my lice and alien brain eating worms!

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  7. You were in the reader, now I come here to comment on greeting cards and it's gone. I don't know what to say, other than I'm oh so sorry you are sick, trust me, Nyquil shots for everyone.....

    I like showing up at birthday parties for three year olds with a gift that costs less than most of the gift bags on the table.

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