Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Time I Thought Would Never Come, Did. Or, The End.

AAAaaand, it's a wrap folks. Not the chicken kind, the kind where I am done writing this here blog. I finally ran out of things to say.

I have loved writing here, and sharing my stories. I really love all the people I have met, in real life and the "people of the air", those folks who I have never laid eyes on but who have become friends in almost every bit the same way as those I have met. It has been so fantastic to write this and have people read it- what a rush! Winning a few awards here and there- so cool! People who have read and read quietly, and people who have read and supported and helped with their own words, and lived this all with me, it's been wonderful. I've never even attracted a troll, though I can't imagine why not (am I not troll worthy?). Some amazing people have shared really personal things on this blog and I am extra grateful for that. You never know who might be reading that will connect with what you have written and it will help them somehow to make their way through.

It's not so much that I am out of things to say, it's more that I am out of new ways to write about the same stuff. I have written about my disgust with turkey on Thanksgiving 3 times now. First day of school, last day of school for the kids, also 3 times (or is that considered 6? Or even like, 11 for both kids?). My children continue to think of new and inventive ways to have tantrums and freak out, but even a clever tantrum is still a tantrum and dang if I haven't typed my fingers to death about tantrums. They still do cute and funny and delightful things, but again, when I try to start a post about it, I keep getting a "been there done that" feeling.

I've spent the past several years sort of living in my head. I found myself a stay- at- home- mom of 2, one of whom was not happy about any of it. My brain would spin like one of those centrifugal force rides at the amusement park. Constant, constant queries ran through my head. How can I make this better, how can I help this, fix it, change it. What is causing this, where does it come from, why why why. Writing helped me immensely in so many ways. Laying it all out, thinking it through, forcing an end point to the thoughts that would otherwise whirl around indefinitely. It also made me reframe so many things because often I would be in the middle of some kind of crazy Wango Tango and have a humorous thought, and I would then think- I can blog that!  It pushed me to see things in a much different light than the one of bitterness I was holding otherwise.

Anyway, I've been thinking about wrapping up my blog for a while now.

Genea has taken a dramatic turn for the better, after the worst 6 month span of them all this past winter and spring. I made a huge mistake in judgment last fall, went against my instincts, and allowed her to be medicated for ADHD. Though to be fair, at the time I would have danced naked in the yard during mosquito mating season if someone had hinted it might help. She became out of control. She became violent, verbally aggressive and her hair trigger emotions became even more labile. She could learn nothing, I mean nothing. Unable to even try to use a coping strategy. Somehow I missed the connection, partly because she was better able to focus at school and they stopped complaining about her distractibility, and partly because it was not a 1:1 give/take sort of thing. Finally after about 6 months I put the pieces together and stopped the med. There was no detectable difference in her focus that I could see and The Husband agreed. We let it go a few more days, and her multiple daily rabid explosions all but ceased to just one a day. Or even none.

Around the same time, I started giving her Omega 3 supplements. I have done this in the past with success, but the results always faded and I stopped giving it to her. This time, I gave her a full dose and stuck with it even when she hit a patch of regression. The regression was short lived and minimal, especially in comparison to the past. It really helped that she is able to swallow the capsules as intended, instead of my trying to sneak the liquid I would squirt out onto her peanut butter sandwich.

Last thing I attribute to her abrupt turnaround, which incidentally has lasted far beyond any previous period of "remission", is the oxytocin I started giving her (look it up, not the same as Oxycontin!). I do not exaggerate when I say that has had a dramatic effect. The first day I gave it to her she had been going on for hours about her homework, doing all the little RAD things with it, and the supplement arrived in the mail. I gave it to her and she went back to re-do the same math problems she had re-done 45 times already. She came out again a few minutes later yelling, I am SO MAD I CAN'T do this I HATE it but she was smiling and laughing. I was like I could see the supplement taking effect right there. The anger dissipated and was replaced with smiles and real (real!) happiness. No day since then has been such an immense testimonial but we give it to her when we think she needs it. It seems to have jump- started something in her brain that had gone horribly awry.

Genea's attachment to me has evolved some with the positive changes in her neurology. She has always been partially attached, but in that ambivalent and insecure way. Push- pull on steroids. She would beg me to hug her then grunt and shove me away when I did, then she'd shriek in a primal, infant way, that I moved away after the shove/kick/whatever, for example. We are getting stronger finally. Finally! 

She is far from "cured", and probably even far from "better". But for us, it's big. It's do-able, livable. We can breathe.

Teena is still Teena. My child who has never had an un-met need is as secure as a child can be, I believe. I'm a little worried that she will never learn the real word for "pea finger". I have had a few opportunities to correct her terminology, and she says, uh huh, uh huh, you mean the pea finger?

I'm nervous to pull the trigger here. I don't want to click publish! But I am not the sort of person to fade into oblivion. I'm more of a put a stamp on it and be done sort of person.

I would be more than happy- excited even!- to do the following:

Guest post for any blog
Write for an adoption publication
Write for any publication that pays
Answer any questions a person might have by email
Help prop up, coach, or support any person who needs it going through any part of the adoption process including the "after"
Any other interesting thing you might be able to think of that I might be interested in!

I'll keep my domain open for a while and will probably shoot out a few posts here and there just to keep it alive. So please keep me in your reader- it won't cost you a thing! People seem to enjoy the archives. Currently, someone is going through and reading old posts a lot. I will get 40-50 hits on one single post from like, December 2009 out of nowhere! I still fully plan to keep up with blogs I read so I'm not going to disappear.  I'm just retired from blogging as a regular part of my life.

The End.


  1. Noooooooooooooooo! I just recommended a bunch of people here! You can't do this Essie! OMG. Is this because Oprah left? Geeze louise. Now what? Can you at least do a "Season 25" series where you put up your favorite posts from the past for those of us who came here late?

    Oh my God I'm having withdrawals already.

    snif snif.

  2. Essie....I'm seriously despondent. I MEAN it! Just when I realize I have replaced all my real-life friends with ones I've never met, I begin to lose those, too!

    And HONEST FACT! This morning, at 4:15 a.m. as I am coming down to teach Koreans English,I'm thinking about finishing my boring post and say to myself, "If only Essie still did those TTT challenges. THEN I could WRITE!"

    Sheesh. Really. I am so sad. Like this week wasn't bad enough!

  3. I KNEW you should never get that da@!%$ award! I'm sorry for every vote I gave you - so there!

  4. I just wanted you to know I enjoyed your blog. Ending with a summary of Genea's progress is a great way to go out with a bang. Hope to see you in Orlando!

  5. Noooooo!!!!!! I think it's illegal. You could get arrested for this. You don't want that do you? :-)

    You will be so missed in the Bloggy world. I have loved reading about your family so much. I really enjoyed reading about the progress in today's post (even if I wanted to ignore the first paragraph!) Thank you for being out there and sharing.

  6. For real? We will miss you so much! Yes, you may feel like you're writing the same thing over and over again, but you write with such humor. It never gets old, and we can all relate regardless of our family situation.

    I'm glad to hear you won't be disapearing completely from the blogosphere. It was so awesome that you stopped by my blog a couple of times - I felt like it was a celebrity contacting me!

  7. GAH! I did nOT see that coming! But I'll MISS you! NOT FAIR!!!!!

  8. *sigh*...another one of my favorites bites the dust! You will be greatly missed here in bloggerland...and by me!! Thank you so much for keeping us all sane and laughing and for sharing your wisdom and candor. I totally get the retirement thing, though. I've been thinking about doing it for awhile myself. I just haven't been brave enough to cut the ties with my support community yet.

  9. You will be missed my friend....

  10. I am sad to see you retire.
    My favorite post is Genea Gets Lost. I was hooked the moment I finished reading it. You certainly have a way with words and I will look for your name in a byline. Thanks so much for sharing some very private info.
    It helped me thru some similar stuff.

  11. No! No, no, no! I think I'm being overtaken by the wango tango!

    I guess if you just don't enjoy writing anymore, well, you have to stop. But I don't think your readers care if you report on the same thing multiple times or if you just report on the day-to-dayness of your life, even if it doesn't have to do with new stories about adoption and/or RAD. We just want YOU.

    Must go sob in the corner now. I'll so miss being one of your quiet readers. :(

  12. Awwwww. Your blog was one of the few I checked on regularly. Thank you for all your stories. And I'm glad things are getting better for you and your family!

  13. NOOO!! I absolutely FORBID it.. I agree, this has to be related to the whole Oprah is over thing. I know you really wanted audience tickets or a makeover.. Maybe we can talk Oprah into coming back just for you?? Don't leave us :(

  14. I can't tell whether Annie is serious or not....

    Well, stink! You are my 2 nd "people of the air" friend to leave this week, but I am at least glad you told us and did not just fade away. You will be missed. Do keep in touch and have a great rest of the summer.


  15. Oh wow, I was not expecting that...Hate it when blogs I love end!! I will miss you!!

  16. Really? Really, really? Nooo. This is a joke, right? I'm still relatively new, and I fell in love with you over the crashing of shopping carts. Fine, you can stop writing, but you have to keep reading. I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!

    And I'd love a guest post now and then. But I can't pay you. At least not with money. I could keep you in jam.

  17. I, too, will miss you. You do have a wonderful way with words! Have you heard of the magazine Brain, Child? I wager they would look seriously at anything you submitted to them.

    Thanks for the laughs ...

  18. I've never, ever commented here until today. I just need to tell you that there have been days when your wicked sense of humour have helped me see through the darkness of RAD and other nasty stuff. I will always remember the Skank stories - thanks for those as well as all the others.

    I hope you leave your blog online for us to go back and revisit your posts when the need hits.

    thanks for sharing pieces of your story. It all helps connect us as we go through things we never thought we'd deal with in our desire(s) to parent.

  19. You will be missed (but I'm thinking you won't disappear completely!) There's always Orlando. You are not alone!

  20. I'm so sad you're quitting. I've thoroughly enjoyed your writing--you've helped me laugh at RAD at times (something apart from this blog I would never have thought possible) Thank you for that :)

  21. gonna miss ya! you're the first "real" blogger who ever read my blog! thanks for the fun. enjoy whatever you do after this. congratulations on finding things that are working for Genea.

    best of luck in all things!

  22. Well, I will give you this: you really know how to go out with a bang and on a high note!

    I am sad! I truly look forward to reading your posts!!

  23. But I VOTED for you! I kept on VOTING for you!

    I feel so betrayed! NOOOOOOOOOO!

  24. I will miss your posts, hope you reconsider this sad decision you made.

  25. Please consider leaving your blog open and available for those who share your experiences and need someone to relate to... those who haven't stumbled across your blog yet.

    And pleas consider popping in from time to time just to give an update!

    We care!!!

  26. I don't think I have ever commented before but I'm terribly sad to see you go! You are one of the funniest bloggers I read, please do come back every now and then!

  27. I'm SO glad she's doing so well! What great news to end on. (For now, at least.)

    And it was nice of the neighbor's to time their move with the ending of your blog.

  28. Wow....sure am going to miss you! I don't blog and don't even comment often, but never miss one of your posts. I'll miss your humor and hearing about Teena & Genea. It's great to hear of the progress Genea is making. I'll keep watching for any updates you make. Vicki

  29. Oh. This post was not what I expected from the title. I thought it was going to be about the Skank finally being officially gone, and I was going to be so happy for you. Instead I am sad for me. Your blog -- your ability to logically analyze seemingly impossible situatioins, and sometimes just to look at them with the necessary zaniness -- helped me more than you can imagine. Thank you so very much for that.

    I will miss you even though we have never met and you don't know me from Adam. And I will think fondly of you every time I hear anything about Oprah!

  30. NO, I'm not leaving because Oprah left! LOL! Although if it got me to her network I would say it.

    THANK YOU ALL for leaving such nice comments! I love it and will probably re-read them all 100 times. This week.

    I am going to leave the blog up and will update here and there so they don't delete me. I will love it if people come through and read this stuff as time goes by.

    I will be happy to guest post FOR FREE. I should have mentioned that part, lol.

    Thanks for the Brain, Child idea, I looked them up and they do look interesting. And thanks for the votes, even if you now feel you got stiffed (lol!).

    BT, look down one post. Skankenho DID leave. Well, she got evicted. Earlier this week!

  31. Whaaaa????? Nooooooo!!!! I need chapstick swapping stories, and peeing on things stories and wango tango stories!!!! I need to know I am NOT all alone!!!!!! I actually used the words 'Seth No Likey Change' when talking to the new psychiatrist the other day. You are my Soul Sister!!!!!!! I am seriously crying here. I think I am going to suffer PTSD from this........not joking!!!!!

  32. Nooooooo! I'll be sorry to see you become quiet. I didn't comment much (recently I haven't been able to and I'm hoping this comment goes thru??). Anyhow ... hopefully you do update once in a while! I'll miss hearing about your family and miss your sense of humour!
    Maria (Canada)

  33. Noooo!!! I am so sad. I have loved reading your stories about Genea ... they have brought me such a sense of relief that I am not the only mom whose child does such strange and obnoxious things. I will miss your posts very much, but will now just have to make do with your archives. Thank you so much for all the laughs and all the times you helped me realize I wasn't alone in my feelings about raising a RAD child.

  34. The hardest thing about blogland is gettting attached to people and their kids... and having blogs end. So sad to read you're hanging it up. Don't be afraid to change your mind!

  35. You have just made a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE really unhappy, my dear friend. But I get it. Of course, I get to see you every week, so it's easier for me to "get it." If I didn't get to see you, I'd be really bummed. I suck at keeping up with blogs (I just read the post where you referenced me, two weeks later, sheesh!) in summer. In winter, I read blogs and complain about the weather.

    We'll miss you. Tons. I still think you should take pity on us and rethink your decision because seriously, have you read what's out there lately? You're really leaving the rest of us with some might slim pickings.

  36. Essie,
    Only you know what you need to do, however know that no one in blogger world will be quite like you. We all have our place. We each reach the right people at the right moment and make all the difference in the world. I must admit, when I find a new blog I like, I don't read all the old stuff so reposting it now and then is a great idea! HUGS and Blessings whatever you do.

  37. This comment has been removed by the author.

  38. Oh, for cryin outloud....who else is gonna make me bellylaugh with clever cuss words like Fucktardmoron??? Who???? I love the personal connection your writings bring to your readers and I love that you so openly shared the honest ups and downs of adoption and attachment issues. I love that you are funny and loud and out there and shy and quiet in person. God, I'm gonna miss you!

  39. yup what Mama Dram said - I need new curse words and where will I get them without you.

  40. You do realize that you have too many fans to just be DONE. You have a responsibility to your public now, and we demand that you keep going. Get a hobby and write about that! :D Don't forget - I know where you live. . . .well I know the city you live in and I know your first name. But still. . .

  41. Oh, shoot! I just found your blog and love it! Where do you get the oxytocin? Would love to know more- our RAD/PTSD/OCD son is on some medication and niacin, but doesn't seem to be helping that much.


  42. Hey Kari-- I tried to find an email for you with no luck. Hopefully you'll check back here! There is an information website and the link to purchase is there.

    Maybe I should run an internet class on how to curse! LOL! I found my way to make a million bucks! You all are awesome- thanks so much for the lovely comments!

  43. Say it isn't so! You will most definitely be missed.

  44. I still keep looking for you to pop up in my blog reader. You are missed.

  45. You know, I was just thinking the same thing about my blog, as I was finding that I'm writing a lot of stuff over and over and that I'm not really feeling the energy to write the fun stuff the girls are doing. I love your blog, though and I have learned a lot. Genea's update gave me pause for thought on some of the things you are giving her. Our girls are medicated, but you gave me pause for thought.

    I hope you do stick around. I enjoy reading your posts and I will probably be catching up now too with past posts.

    Thanks for sharing your life, your girls, etc. I found you through Leigh's blog and have been glad when you've given me some info or posted on mine.


  46. And I only just found you!

    Perhaps you're like U2 who had to "go away and dream it up all over again" that time?

    You're a wonderful writer and I hope you can really do something with that. You should.

    You're a wonderful mother too, but then you knew that already.

    Don't disappear completely. You're liked, a lot.

  47. Here it is a month & half after your departure and I still check several times a week for a new post.. Just in case ;) lol.

  48. Hello,

    My name is Jaclyn and I am just in the beginning stages of our adoption journey. I am trying to make connections with other parents who have gone through this amazing process. Please feel free to join me in my journey.


I love comments! If you agree or disagree, comment away! However if you are a butthead about it, you may be excised.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...