Monday, July 18, 2011

Hell comes to Green Bay

It's hot y'all, bloody hot. Evaporate your blood hot. Fry the skin off your body hot. Melt your eyeballs hot. The temp today is 93, which is probably laughable to all the southerners, but way up here in the frozen tundra 93 is waaaaaaay hot. I think the heat here is hotter than in the south.

My friend Sarah says you are allowed to complain about one season. That's it, one season. The rest of the year well, suck it up and shut up (I'm summarizing, Sarah puts it much more nicely). She's right of course, no one wants to hear another person constantly whining about the weather. I quickly and easily picked winter. I mean, sheesh, what with all the dang snow and snow days and ice and freezing your nose hairs, winter is an easy pick for complaining.

But its really super hot. Heat index at 108 HOT!

What to do..... what to do......

I decided Sarah must mean other people. All those folks who complain and whine constantly about everything. Me, I am merely being observant when I note that steam coming off one's eyeballs is not normal and this heat sucks. When I become disgusted realizing that the heat and humidity is causing a marinating effect in my carpet and the stench from years of an errant cat and two un-potty trained children is rising from the fibers again, I am objectively noting a fact. Is there anyone who would find that pleasant? No? See? There you go. Fact.

(Actually, I have been told a *few* times in my life that I complain a lot. I don't understand that at all. I make informative observations in order to show others seeking clarity the light of my opinions. Altruistic y'all, not complain-y, helpful! Maybe those people ought to shut their pie holes and pay closer attention.) 

Satan is looking for ice cubes. Seriously, that is too hot.

Kids won't go outside because it is so hot so they are stuck inside with me, who also won't go outside because of the heat. For lunch they are going to boil hot dogs in their little pool outside. I might just stick my head in the oven where surely it has got to be cooler. It's so not fair that we get buried under snow for six months and now we can't breathe without searing our lungs. Sheesh.

See how just a few months ago the snow was up to the top of the slide on the kids playset!

We are under a "heat advisory" until Thursday. Thursday! I mean, that should be against the law! Who is in charge of all this I ask you, hmmm? My dad would say Al Gore made it hot. He invented global warming and now look what's happened. My dad never misses an opportunity to slam Al Gore. He lives for it like I live to smash grocery carts. Al Gore and his fancy internet and inconvenient inferno b.s.. Personally I am more likely to blame republicans- all of 'em but especially that prick of a governor we now have in Wisconsin. Here we have a new governor and the very same summer the heat gets so bad that opening your front door is something out of the movie Backdraft. Seems like an obvious link to me.


  1. Oh, BTW, last night I realized another slam-the-grocery-cart secret pleasure....

    Whapping open the roll of biscuits on the edge of the counter. YES!

  2. It has been "fry an egg on the sidewalk" hot down here for several weeks. Last Wednesday, the lake temp was 95. A lake that NEVER gets water temps above 80 even in August. What is up with that????? Then a glorious cold front came in this weekend. Lake temps down and air temp 80. We basked in it all day yesterday. Maybe I can blow you some cold frontish air up your way! :)

  3. Ha! I agree! Blame it on the Republicans!

  4. I WOULD laugh at you but its so damn hot here in Houston that I can't muster the energy anymore. Being the brilliant parents we are, we hauled the munchkins down to the beach house for the weekend where we played in the too-hot surf, burned our feet on the fiery sand, and shared short tempers all around. Somehow I managed to sunburn the inside of my knees. Nice.

    Of course, you are very welcome to come vacation here with us!

  5. So I'll join you as a generally cold climate person complaining about heat.

    I live near Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It's going to be 111F with the humidity on Thursday. It's been 100F+ for a few days and I think it's suppose to break NEXT Wednesday. My employer turns off the AC on the weekend. It's a sauna here as the 4 floor building slowly cools down. One of my clients where I work 2 days a week turns off their AC at 3:30. By 4:30 I wonder why I'm sweating and can't focus. Sigh.

  6. Although for the record, Green Bay is further north than Toronto. Not much further north (it looks like we are at a similar latitude to Fond du Lac), but I'll give credit where credit is due.

  7. I agree that heat is a very, very bad thing. I especially dislike the heat down in the NYC subways. The smells are unlike anything you can imagine, not even your carpet can compare. It makes going to work OH! SO! MUCH! FUN!

    Gimme the winter any day of the week. Snow is easy to deal with. You're cold? Put on a sweater. But summer? There's no where to run. No where to hide. I feel like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz, you know, "I'm mellllllting". yeah, that's me.

  8. I'm with your dad on this one.

    And the thought of standing Al Gore in a cart corral and making his leap over the approaching "slammers"...that could get me out in the heat. And I've been living IN RUSSIA. I cannot cope.

    (Summer has ALWAYS been my least favorite, so I can complain with impunity.)

  9. I bet the new (R) govorner of Maine is in on the plan. Though here, it's really only been in the upper 80's and lower 90's. Pretty cool compared to the rest of y'all...and I'm happy with it. I'm one of those who complains ALL. WINTER. and therefore cannot complain about summer. No matter what.

  10. "Satan is looking for ice cubes"....I NEEDED that belly laugh ...THANK YOU..and you can complain all you want...cause the way you do it is funny...Me likes funny!

  11. Only complain about one season? Not sure I could do it. Summer is my favorite season, but not when it's too hot for the kids to go outside and play. hang in there!

  12. So what you are saying is your governor really IS Satan?!

    I blame it all on the Republicans too.

    It is also fucking hot here in PA.

  13. The link is so obvious, and our gov'ner is such a supreme asshole straight from hell that in this case, it's totally logical to complain. Because it's not truly railing about the weather; it's the Republicans.



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