Friday, July 8, 2011

You know what I really love?

There is this one little thing that I really love to do. I love it so much I almost look forward to it. It is a little strange though. But I'm guessing if you read here you are getting used to the strange. Possibly you even expect it. You are no stranger to strange.

This might be a little more strange than the normal strange.

It might even be unhealthy. But I'm not exactly known for my consciousness on that subject. I eat cheetos and even go without sunscreen.

I love, I would even say I LIVE, to smash grocery carts.

Okay! I warned you!

I mean, the satisfaction I get from shoving that fucker across the lot to crash into the cart carrel, wow, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it.

There might be a chance I have a touch o' The Crazy myself.

I spend my time and my money in the store. I lope out to the parking lot with my kids jumping and whining, after having dragged them through the store jumping and whining and being demanding. I tell them to get in the car while I put our crap in the trunk and without fail there is an argument. I mean, what? the? hell? How do 2 such short people manage to fight with each other about something so fucking simple as getting in the damn car? Just get! in! the! car! There is nothing to talk about! Simple process, open door, sit your ass down, mouth closed! Squabbles always ensue and I want nothing more than to smash something.

(Though I have to admit, even when the kids are nowhere near me I still smash carts). (I must have leftover frustrations). (Keep your sassy comments to yourself there, lol!).

I slam the trunk of the car shut. There is minor satisfaction in that, however I drive a Pontiac. There is no heft to the trunk and so very little sense of release. In high school I drove my parents old 1970 Chevy Caprice. Now that's a car with some heft, a car that could sleep 6. You had to  put some muscle into pulling the doors closed or slamming the trunk. Anyway. I digressed.

So I drag my cart away from my car, having already scoped out the nearest return carrel. My pupils start to dilate and I can feel a surge of blood pressure rising. The corners of my mouth twitch but I try hard to resist smiling. I don't want all the other customers to see me. It would look weird.

(I resent places that have plastic shopping carts. You know who I am talking about *Target*).

Ideally I would find a carrel with several carts already in it. Empty ones are still noisy but less disruptive. There is no domino effect of watching the other carts scurry and lurch forward. I line that fucker up from about 5 feet back and tense my muscles with all the strength afforded to me by having a 6 year old child who still loves to be carried. Then BAM! I send that cart flying across the parking lot! SMASH! It bangs and crashes into the carts already returned and hurls them forward as well, the noise sounding like a repeating echo. Banging into the sides of the carrel, metal shrieking on metal. Yikes! People are startled and look over, surprised at all the noise I have made. Some even look disapproving. Oops, heh heh heh. My daughter Teena calls out from the car "Wow Mama! That was coooooooool"! I think so too. Ahhh.

Okay, I can't be the only one. Right?


  1. I feel greater satisfaction if the carts all domino together. It's a little like bowling. If it hits at the wrong angle and bounces off, no points. The more carts line up and clang together, the more points scored. AND, making previously unstacked carts stack is worth even more.

    Maybe we should form a league.

  2. This would qualify as anger work wouldn't it? :)

  3. This might have fallen in the category of TMI if it were either gross or slightly obscene, but it's just a lil' bit quirky so I guess it's going to have to be ok.

    --definitely weird--- but still ok.

    Besides, it's your blog yo.

  4. I am suddenly feeling the need to get in the car and head to all things Mart, and go bazerk!! Ooo...better yet, go to the Mart's cousin store Sams...they have different kinds of carts to go on a smashing spree with. Flat ones, buggie ones...I'm getting excited!!!!!

  5. I can't believe I hadn't ever figured to do this myself! Actually looking forward to Tesco shop, now! (within reason)

  6. Me too. I used to see how far I could crash them in from. Then I moved here to Winnipeg and we have to put money in them to release them and I lose my money if I don't return the cart fully properly to pop the money back out. (Also, Canadians are really polite (it's really true) so it would be waaayyyy too strange to cart smash in the midst of them.)

  7. Well, I'm Canadian too! But I would totally smash carts. In fact, have done so as emotional response, not planned processing. That is all about to change. Costco, here I come. And I live in an unpolite Canadian city, so I'll just get the side glances of pity, like I'm a deranged person. Thanks for the idea!

    I do slam doors. Sometimes a few times in a row. Especially the heavy front door. And now, my latest, is to use the slingshot against any crows in my yard. Feels GREAT! And no, I'm not killing them, just 'discouraging' them.

  8. So funny! You go for it! :-)

  9. I do it all the time! If it doesn't cram all the other ones in the cart corral then I push them in as hard as possible so they are all inside each other perfectly straight. The harder the push, the straighter they get. The crash, the jolt, the excitement! Just doing my part to protect other cars from rolling carts.

  10. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Well now that there are so many of us we definitely have to form a club or kate's idea of a league.
    Secret Cart Smashers?

    I got extra points today when I smashed into the cart ahead in the carrel and flipped the moveable piece up and around and it stood straight up! And it stayed that way!

  11. Boo Target and their plastic carts!

    As for quirky... I always feel a need to squish/pinch tofu and marshmallows at the grocery store. I know, that's not nice. But it's better than pinching people!!

  12. turns out that Daddyman is a cart crasher. he indulged himself today at the giant Wal o' Stuff. When he got in the car, he took time to point at an older gentleman and utter these words: anal retentive.

    why? because when the nice older gentleman went to return his cart, he was OCD compelled to straighten every single cart in the thingy!

  13. I just came from the store, and would never believe anyone could articulate what I feel. I'm not sure it even totally came into my conscious mind....however, I found myself ESPECIALLY thrilled at the store I just visited because their cart racks have LANES, so that all the carts automatically line up - if you slam your in their hard enough. SO much more satisfying than the chaotic "cart corral". He-he.

  14. I too am in need of a trip to the Mart for some cart smashing. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that gets a secret thrill from that :)

  15. i have, in the past been known to return other people's carts, or the stray cart in the parking lot, just for a double, or triple thrill.

  16. omg, I never thought of returning OTHER peoples carts too! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT????

    I will now.... lol!

  17. Two comments:
    I drove a '79 caprice classic for a while. It was the car my parents had while I was in university, a freaking tank compared to the "k car" I'd driven before that.

    I like crashing carts too and will occasionally return others but I think that falls more into the "polite Canadian" category more than increasing the crash potential.

  18. no not usually...but just yesterday I did this. I shoved the cart from a distance across the lot to the corral thingy as hard as I could and shouted out YEAH! and then was a bit embarrassed as ppl were looking and I thought...umm i guess this isn't very ladylike and crawled away into my car...LOL.

  19. I never thought of this. And I like it. So many missed opportunities over the years **sigh**.

  20. My grocery store has this little curb thingie you have to push the cart over, so it stays. Ah, I've not discovered the joy of the shove. Look what I've been missing!

  21. I saw this film at a festival in Germany and thought of you. :)

    1. omg that is HILARIOUS! Though I have to say, that cart makes me nervous, lol. Thanks for coming back with it all these years later- how awesome!


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