Monday, May 16, 2011

I got cocky y'all, cocky.

As a follow up to my daughters questions about the danglie pea finger that boys have, I attempted in my awkward little way to provoke some more discussion on the topic of you- know- what in general. My sister is pregnant, and since she was also pregnant a year ago, I thought this would be a good time to check in and find out where my daughters head was on the subject. As you probably know, Oprah says we should be well- versed on these subjects and keep the lines of communication open.

Actually, I had a lengthy post all written up on an entirely different topic and Blogger ate it. I am too disgusted to re-write it right now so this is what I have to say instead.


Teena and I were sitting on what I will now refer to as "The Couch of Dreaded Subjects". Again, Genea had gone to bed and it was just her and I. Teena was worried about her Auntie and girl- cousin, because her Auntie is pregnant with her 3rd boy. Teena felt there should be more balance in their house and there could be trouble with all those boys. We are very much about Girl Power around here. I assured her that her Auntie and girl- cousin would be okay, and isn't it cool that Auntie is having another baby! She has a baby in her belly, growing in there!

I got cocky y'all, cocky. With the success of our last discussion about pee fingers, wherein I did not explode into tiny pieces of shrapnel  piercing The Husbands girlfriend, also known as The Big Screen TV, I decided to do some follow up. Since we had established some basic anatomy.

I asked Teena what would turn out to be a super- dumb question. You know they say there are no stupid questions, it's only stupid to sit there and not ask your question, I've never believed that. There are plenty of stupid questions and plenty of people who should either have paid attention the first time, or kept quiet and looked for the information later, because they were going to drag the rest of us down for an hour.

It was sort of intended to see where her thought process was. What direction I should be taking conversations in the future. What should I be studying up on. You may wonder why it is I am harassing Teena with this, and not Genea. Quite frankly, I don't think Genea will believe me about anything to do with you- know- what. Teena may giggle and try to look mostly disinterested and sophisticated, but secretly will be curious. Genea will think I am playing a trick on her and there is nothing she hates more than being "tricked". Plus with their Auntie being pregnant I am anticipating someone will start having real questions soon.

So I asked Teena the question I thought was obvious. What she had to be wondering. To prompt our communication lines.

"Teena, how did that baby get in there?"

It was my attempt to provoke some conversation which I am starting to strongly believe I should leave to the professionals. She looked at me, and the expression on her face clearly showed she was praying. Dear Lord, she was asking in her mind, why hast thou forsaken me with this ridiculous dimwitted woman as a mother?

She said, "Mama, you should really ask someone. 
Ask a teacher. 
Or a doctor. 
Or another mama. Another mama would know". 

*snort*----- *giggle* Mmmmm, okay Teena, that's a good idea.  Somehow, and I am not surprised, our lines of communication have come to resemble Teena's hair in the morning- tangled and twisted with knots all over.

The question then becomes, why am I still trying to do this when I have a dear friend who has a doctorate in neurobiology, is a college professor, and teaches THAT STUFF. She is so good at it, her kids have asked her to stop! That's right, she taught them so well they no longer have an interest in any of it! They don't want to hear about it anymore! Perfect!


  1. Too funny!!! Duh, Mom! If you don't know, you should ask a doctor not a little girl!

  2. tee hee, cause there is no way you would know considering that you had one in belly once... I think it was a stork.

  3. sorry about your other post. But this one is hilarious.

  4. blogger ate one of mine too and I was royally pissed. But a friend of mine had it on her rss feed---whatever the heck that is--- and sent it back to me so I will be reposting it. So there evil blogger type thief.

    But Essie, really, maybe you should bone up on your sex talk. (pardon the pun) snort snort. There seem to be some gaps in your story. hahaha

  5. LOL!!!! Thanks for the laugh! Reminds me of when I went to the gyno's office for my first pregnant lady visit. We had been "trying with the doctor" for several months and finally decided enough was enough, we're done, and lets save the money and adopt. Surprise surprise, just 5 weeks later, I found out I was PG.

    As they were taking me back to the exam room, the nurse, who we really liked and had been working with us through the whole "try with the doctor" phase turned to me and said "Oh, my goodness! You're pregnant!!! How did this happen???!!!!"

  6. That girl is hilarious - like her mama.

    Katya asked me how babies are made when we were at Disneyland. We had the whole conversation while walking to Splash Mountain. I was so worried someone was going to overhear! Then weeks later, she was all, "you know that thing we talked about? I need more information."

    Ugh. I hate that talk, and I'm an OB/GYN. You think I'd be good at it. So, don't feel bad!

  7. What a priceless comeback! I am an epic failure at "the talk". Both girls were totally disgusted and wanted me to stop too.

  8. I know the answer! Give me a call and I'll give you the name of a good book you could read.

  9. Just wanted to drop by and say hi after you left a comment on my blog (which Blogger ate!) and thank you for being my first follower!

    I see a lot of similarities in our perspectives too and we certainly have similar things to write about. Oh yes.

    Really love your writing style too!

    Glad I found your blog

  10. Tee-hee! Ask a boy. He can tell you all about that...and how to work them...and maybe even demonstrate his awesome ability to write his name in the dust with pee and fine motor skills. Do it now, before he learns that it has other functions.

  11. I'm catching up reading old posts. This really made me laugh! So funny! You can prepare for "the talk" but never know where it will go!


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