Friday, November 20, 2009

O nooooo O!

No Ope no, say it's not so! OOOOOOpraaaaaah don't leave me!
I have been watching Oprah since she was an ordinary local talk show out of Chicago. I know 2 people who have been on as guests over the years. I have been in the audience of the Jenny Jones show and the Jerry Springer show but never Ope. I have been procrastinating trying to get into the audience for years.... decades.....!
I tried to call for tickets one time on the phone and got through. But the show they were booking for was about people who were afraid to fly. So the producer person on the phone asked me if I were afraid to fly and I had to tell the truth. I was honest and I don't think I should have been penalized for it. I said I was not afraid to fly! I didn't screw up their episode! I DID THE RIGHT THING out of the kindness of my heart and the genuine respect for truth in my soul and my fear of looking so stupid on tv trying to look scared of an airplane when I am not.
I want to, I NEED to get to the Oprah show. Please! Help! I don't need to be a guest, I just want to be in the audience of a good show (not like a Karaoke contest show, like a give stuff away to pathetic people show). I am pathetic! I am pitiful! I need a lot of stuff! ALL MY STUFF SUCKS!!!!
What angle will get me the best chance I wonder. The makeover angle? Pitifully dressed mother of 2 with a phobia of "Mom hair".
Makeovers for women who smell like pee and the children who love them.
Maybe a home makeover?
My front door falls off when I open it.
My yard was "landscaped" by an 80 year old woman and we have never changed it except for hiring the "professional" who took our money and ran.
All my stuff is broken or held together with duct tape and gorilla glue.
The 1980's vomitted in my kitchen.
What else do I have?
Women whose mothers in law are impure of spirit.
A Mom forced to quit her job because of health insurance.
Moms of children in need of an exorcism.
Women who think cooking a meal should never take longer than eating the meal.
People who refuse to give stupid greeting cards to others even on their birthdays.
Women who think all their friends live inside a laptop.
Or should I go for it...... Mom's of adopted children diagnosed with Autism and Failure to Thrive and Addison's Syndrome and Depression who turn out to have Reactive Attachment Disorder and Bipolar Disorder but who do great in school even as they steal slices of American cheese and hide it in the bucket for pee clothes at home and the Mom's had to quit their jobs in order to stay home and take care of said adopted child and her sister and their 2 poopie cats and do annoying stuff all day like cook and wash out pee clothes!
O! This is sO bad!
I must get tickets to be in the audience in the next year before Oprah quits forever! I can get there in 3 hours if I am the one driving. Email me Ope, email me!!!!!


  1. Oh, it would be so cool if you could go be in the audience.

    I am going to brainstorm for how you can get there!

  2. Is the Oprah show ending? Why would she do that? I don't see anything on her website about it...

  3. I think the last one might get you on and get you some stuff! Pull the pitiful, over tired adoptive mom and you can get on!

  4. Actually I think you might have something with that greeting card thing.

  5. Back in the early 90's I went to a taping of the Jenny Jones show! Consider that a TTT morsal of information.

    good luck getting on O!


  6. Moms who appreciate a good wango tango.

  7. I have been to Jerry Springer too! And...only because we couldn't get into Oprah. lol.

    I saw it in the paper today and thought the same thing: I HAVE to go before it's over! (Even though I rarely watch the actual show.)

  8. Hummm you could write a book about how your grandma married a Nazi prison camp guard and that left your mother so traumatized that she locked you in the basement for eight years, leading you to become addicted to many drugs and then become the mistress of an abusive, insane billionaire.
    Of course none of that is true but the Big O tends to fall for fake biographies. She'll invite you on her show, get all teary-eyed and shower you with awesome stuff.


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