Tuesday, February 10, 2009

oh.come.on.

ohhh, we are playing dirty now. A card has been played. An ugly and irretrievable card.

The, "I don't think she (me) wants me(mil) here, snivel snivel" card. The crying fit was evidently not effectively manipulative enough. My First (and Current) Husband is now getting more insistent that I join their little outings and he sits in the back seat of the car convulsing in pain from cramps.

Hmm, I may have to rethink my strategy. I certainly cannot out- nicey nice anyone. Can't wear the panties in that club. Although, if I were to insist on going along on all little outings, that would probably burn up some bridges, or something like that.

Gifts were handed out. I was handed a cutesy mix to make cookies from. I don't just not cook, I seriously do not even have a cookie sheet. The girls were gifted with 2 handmade aprons (handmade by someone else in a craft store somewhere) to ''put on when they are cooking with mom in the kitchen''. I almost looked around my own house trying to figure out who that mom was. Oh, me? I cracked that I don't cook several times. What the hell.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE OVARIES DOES NOT MAKE ME WANT TO COOK AND IT IS INSANE AND INANE THAT ANYONE WOULD SUGGEST OWNERSHIP OF GIRLY PARTS MEANS YOU SHOULD LIVE IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK SHIT
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHH
screaming AHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAH stupid AAAAHHHHH
insipid AAAAAAAAAAH HHHHHHHHHHAA
COOK YOUR OWN SHIT YOU CAN DO IT IN MY KITCHEN IT HAS NEVER BEEN USED

12 comments:

  1. You hadn't even turned up in my reader yet so this was a nice surprise.

    Thanks for moment. My home ec teacher told me my gifts lay elsewhere when I couldn't sew the required item of clothing. Girl...you have too many talents to waste them on cooking!

    Thanks for the advice. Do you have any phone numbers????

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  2. I left a message on Ann something that starts with an St I think. Hoping she'll call me back....

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  3. THANK YOU LISA, you are my new best friend. I agree, even if my only talent is sarcastic cracks on the internet damnit, its better than wasting my time cooking. Yeah!

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  4. Girl you have many talents! Look how you're hooking me up too!

    I sent Tricia an email.

    You rock!

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  5. Ann Carver. Duh. Have no idea where I got the st.

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  6. OHMYGOD, you are so funny. I never quite knew how to depict a hissy fit in writing but you nailed it. You go girl.

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  7. Aprons are over rated anyway, kids want to get messy and cooking with one on certainly doesn't let them do that but playing with that cookie mix she gave you and perhaps eating raw cookie dough might be fun.

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  8. oh dear honey, try and take a deep breath...hold and relise.
    Sugest that when the kids go over to you MIL house they can cook with her, she can show them how.
    Or you can play with the cookie dough like play dough that you can eat, bonus! you need aprons for that too...they can also paint with them on no?
    How much longer to go? are you count down the days/ hours??

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  9. I like the idea to send the girls to learn to cook at her house, LOL!
    And now I have my regular boring life back. With drive thru for dinner. Ahhh. I can unclench my butt now.

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  10. I am simultaneously horrified that you don't have a cookie sheet... Seriously, not even ONE teeny one to use for, say...premade cookie dough? And yet, laughing my ass off at your rant! You crack me up!!

    P.S. And, does this woman even KNOW you?

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  11. THANK you, this woman has known me for 13 years. I have made no major changes other than I quit smoking, had a few kids and took up knitting. That's it.
    And, uh, no cookie sheet seriously. In the rare event I buy a roll of dough on sale I line a casserole dish with tin foil.

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