Friday, February 5, 2010

Update

I have a weird feeling Genea had already caught a whiff of the pile of shit across the street, probably about 6 weeks ago. I was thinking as I was writing last night. Things bounce around in my brain and from the information I got yesterday combined with the coincidental unexplainable shift in behaviors around here, I realized, Genea may have already had contact (see previous post if none of this makes sense to you) with her first adopted dad.

The Skank had made a point of telling me that the Jack Ass had not been recognized by Genea as far as either of them knew, and I took that at face value. However, they had passed within vision range and within hearing range of each other on one occasion.

About a month and a half ago, give or take a couple weeks, Genea started coming apart. Not in her usual bipolar way, where there are physiological signs. Instead of significantly regressing in 2 or 3 areas as when she is cycling, she has had a moderate regression in almost all areas. Bizarre stuff we haven't seen in ages. Pooping on herself, and sitting in it. Stealing, obvious lying, sneaking around stealing and then lying about it. Wetting the bed increased. She has been agitated, anxious, pacing and walking heavily. Irritable and labile. Low low loooooow focus. Getting up in the night to look for me. Which I don't mind a bit, she comes in bed with me for about 15 minutes and when she feels safe, she goes back to her own bed. The problem is she has been doing it, 3-4 of 7 days for a little longer than a month now, which is the most persistent streak we have ever had.

During the last appointment we had with Genea's psychiatrist, this all came up and we all chalked it up to the change in schedule with winter break and then school starting again. That didn't sit right with me at the time, but I had no better suggestion and it certainly was likely. Genea being the anti-change activist that she is.

This morning I called Genea's former therapist to ask what she thought. I considered that maybe Genea did see and recognize Jack, and has been keeping the information to her self out of terror. Therapist thought that was not likely, because Genea would show more signs like being afraid to go outside in the yard, which has not been the case at all. I also considered that the one time where they passed on the street might have registered with her. Maybe she saw him and had a twinge, and heard him talk and a deep part of her brain recognized the voice, but not specifically, if that makes sense. Maybe she noticed him without realizing who he was and it freaked her out and is still freaking her out and she still doesn't know why.

I can tell you this, Genea is extremely sensitive. Slight shifts of air will gain her attention. She notices everything. If I drop a contact lens, I call Genea to help me find it. If The Husband loses his keys, Genea remembers where he put them. Her school called me today to tell me she was complaining of a stomach ache and a headache. They said she was shaking. The secretary made a point of emphasizing and repeating it. She is shaking. Okay I said, not about to explain anything. I told her, we have all been sick I am sure that's it and I will be right there to get her. She has never once been sick at school before. Never. I truly thought The Husband and I did a bang- up job covering our conversations and moderating our tones of voice last night. But I would bet a million bucks she picked up on the tension and that's what made her sick at school.

Anyway. I did some research today and there may be a possibility of filing for a restraining order based on either stalking laws or psychological harassment. Naturally this subject is not mentioned in any legal statute so just as with everything else, we are trying to do the best we can do without precedence. The Husband is playing voice mail tag with a lawyer, so we will see what he says there.

THANK YOU so much for all the supportive comments, it's really nice to know so many people "have our back". It is just so damn bizarre. Like if I read it in a book I would toss the book aside because there is no way that would actually happen. No one could be that ignorant. It's not even believable.

We own our house. The Skank rents. That Jack has been there for so long already tells me it is probably a "solid" relationship but probably not permanent as she is already twice divorced. She is a real catch, seriously. She is on disability, gets housing assistance, and child support. Most likely food stamps. Jack would never have to work again. I really don't know what he is thinking. We always knew that both of the original adopting parents still lived here in town. I knew there was a chance we would see one of them at the mall, or at a gas station. I thought if we had Genea with us, they would have the sense to tuck away in a corner until we passed. The coincidence of this man finding himself a single skank to live with across the street from us is astounding. The Husband and I are both still mouth-opened about it. He thinks there might be more to it, but I don't. Jack had so little interest in Genea when he was around her, I just don't think that has changed.

Could someone really be so dumb as to think moving in across the street of your formerly adopted child would not have a bad result? Every day I am surprised a little more at how inanely stupid one single person can be.

25 comments:

  1. what a situation, dear heart. just found your blog now thru corey. i'd suggest to sell your house and get out of dodge. too many memories and possible meetings for the little one to handle, as well as you guys.

    start fresh!

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  2. If you are able to do that, it would be the best solution. I know that right now, I wouldn't have that capability. I am sure you will finr the answer that works for you and your family. Meanwhile you are in my prayers.

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  3. Holy Crap - this is soooo not good...for any of you.

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  4. 1. Just because he has no interest in Genea doesn't mean he has no interest in power.

    2. Ask the psychiatrist and the school to write letters documenting the changes they've seen since Genea had contact. You'll need to show something for the ppo.

    3. If she's anything like my daughter, she noticed him the second he moved in. And if she's anything like my daughter, she'd rather die than tell you something is bothering her. Literally. And, if she's anything like my daughter, I wouldn't even question that this is what's wigging her out. This IS what's wigging her out.

    4. I'm soooooo sorry. We wanted to be the kind of adoptive family that could have a relationship with the birth family, and we got the same thing you did: a family you can't have a relationship with. Very, very painful.

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  5. I stopped in to see how you are doing today. I'm glad you have people to bounce ideas off of. I have to say if this was either of my daughters (17 and 10) they would pick up on it in the air. I don't know how kids do that, but some can "sense" a change in the air. As creepy as it was to have the skank come over to announce this, I'm glad she did. Especially if G. was already feeling icky. I'll bet you've been staring like crazy over at that house. I would be. It's a great idea to get everything documented. I can't help but think this is a passive control issue with him. Maybe something he's been thinking about since the adoption or disruption of his family. Where's the witness protection program when you need it!

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  6. My guess is that he could care less about her or any psychological damage, that it is a bizarre coincidence that he doesn't like much either - hence his having his paramour come over and talk to you about it.

    It frankly doesn't seem reasonable to me that a person could be accused of psychological harrassment under those circumstances. If he stood in his yard and yelled Genea's name - perhaps. I'd hate to see you spend energy and money on that when you might well use the same money to move. (Though it sure is easy to say that and darned hard to do it, isn't it? Just getting the house clean enough for a realtor would be beyond me...so sorry if I am being a PIA by mentioning it....) We once wasted money on a lawyer so I have that ugly little memory informing me.

    She may have seen him....it does make some sense. Poor little dear. And if she is as resonant as you say, undoubtedly she picked up on your anxiety.

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  7. I have too much stubborness in me. I have enough for a dozen people, but I would not move. No way. I would not uproot your family for that scumbag. He is the one who should be running. And if he doesn't have the good sense to do that--well, I have to believe that the Universe will get him somehow.

    This could have positive effects for Genea, if she sees you are committed to her. She will have an actual understanding of what that means. You never know what off the wall thing is going to come up and leave you with unexpected good results.

    Meanwhile, I would keep reassuring Genea that she is safe. That your family is where she belongs. Forever. "He has nothing to do with our family" would be my new mantra.

    So sorry, Ess.

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  8. Even if she didn't realize it was him, she probably sensed it deep in her subconscious and she is feeling vulnerable and doesn't know why. One more passing encounter, though, and Pandora's box will come flying open and the demons shall be released.

    This man is insensitive, self-centered, heartless and above all else an idiot of the tenth order. He doesn't care what it might do to a child, he is living his 'dream' life. Contact the rental agency, tell them she has an un-authorized tenant living with her and that you are about to file legally against him. Tell them you will have the whole neighborhood on high alert if she doesn't get the scum bag out of her rental house. This will probably work better than the courts where he will have way more rights than a traumatized child (sad but true). With the right pressure, they will be forced out and you can live in peace and he can live with his Skank in some other government funded house.

    Good luck and let me know if you need anything from me. I can make phone calls and sign petitions with the best of them!

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  9. Do you think she's picking up on your tension and that she hasn't noticed the guy across the street? She was used to seeing him in other surroundings and with his ex-wife. It seems unlikely that she'd recognize him in a place where he's not "supposed" to be.
    On the other hand, have you tried casually walking her past the house and checking out her reaction? I don't know if the mailbox or something you need is down that way but if you just made it a casual stroll you could watch to see if she's looking at the house as if she's searching for someone.
    If the guy had no interest in Genea he probably doesn't care that she lives so close. He has a good thing going and I doubt he'll agree to leave of his own volition.
    You could just tell her he's staying there for awhile and that he's busy with other things and he has no intention of bothering her.

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  10. I'm glad that there is a silver lining to you being told -- now you know what's been eating at Genea.

    Another tact to take: There are 2 reasons for Jack and Skank to be so unconcerned. They don't understand, or they don't care. Jack, in all liklihood, doesn't care. But what about Skank? I'd bet she has no real idea about what Jack's presence is doing to you. I also guess it was her idea to tell you because somewhere inside she knows this isn't good, and she cares -- she just doesn't understand the magnitdue of harm, and her caring doesn't go far enough.

    And unless you know her to be a heartless *itch, maybe she could be enlighted as to how much of a heartless *turd Jack is. What does it mean for how he treats her down the road? Now?

    I would think about having another private conversation with her. Tell her what life has been like, the issues Genea came to you with, that she still has, what the past 6 weeks have been like. I bet she has no clue. Give her a chance to care and do the right thing. (And if she doesn't, you at least tried, and things like getting her kicked out of her rental house won't seem so heartless).

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  11. maybbe that is what has her going, i just figured out the trauma annivesary that has Calvin going... there are so many things that get to them on alevel that they can not express in anyway except behaviour. lots of love and reassurance that she is not going anywhere might help a bit with the night time, perhaps a special bit of love to take to bed with her.

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  12. She gets disability, housing assistance and child support?

    Isn't there a government agency, or a disgruntled father of her kids, who might not be happy to know that she is now supporting a man?

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  13. Holy crap Essie! You know, I have no idea what this must be like but I know exactly what it feels like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet and your heart drops through the pit of your stomach when you realize something this horrible is really happening. Maybe you could just ask them politely if they would be willing to move. I really have a lot of terrible things to say about this guy right now, but it's your blog so I'm trying to be polite.

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  14. All I can say again is I'm so very sorry. I read the post from the 4th first, now I'm on this one. Got tears in my eyes. I'm weeping for you and this insanely heinous situation.

    I was having a pity party about my weekend (well, and whole week truthfully). Your post puts it all in perspective and makes me realize again what is truly important, and that I have to let the little shit go.

    The only thing I will focus on in my insanely stupid week, is an issue too with my youngest special needs son. And his safety. That should be my concern and I have to buck up and again, let the little shit go.......

    enough about me. You and your family are in my prayers. Wish I could be of help somehow. Hugs to you.

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  15. I think the Jack Ass is probably too stupid to realize this may not be a good idea. I have social workers who bring things for 2/3 of my kids and think nothing of it. People are just dumb. If G is anything like Felpsy, she can tell you which neighbors are home at any given moment and their every movement.

    This sucks so much. I have no words.

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  16. That's just plain horseshit.

    The Skank is renting? Is she on Section 8? Sounds like she might be. Wonder how many she has on the lease and if the landlord -- and the State -- know that someone else has moved in? There may be legal trouble you can cause her through the house...

    Pearl

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  17. We probably cannot move. We spent all our money on triple- extorted adoption fee's! No really though, I don't think we can afford to move. Besides I am not sure that would be better. Genea HATES change.
    I just can't imagine the level of rejection Genea will feel, not just abandonded by the first parents but now the dad is going to live in the position of Dad with another family? Right in her face?
    I will look into Skank having an illegal tenant in there... housing here is really strict on that so that might work.
    I suspect Genea does know by instinct exactly who and what he is. Just not consciously. It explains everything and it fits the timing. I just hate that she has any more crap on her plate! UGH!

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  18. yeah, Im believing that this guy is really THAT stupid. Either that or he just doesnt give a crap, which is probably true too.

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  19. This whole situation makes me SO ANGRY! And makes me want to hug Genea and tell her that she is safe.

    Would Genea benefit from a casual conversation about how she used to live with different families but when you adopted her it means her other families are not allowed to have her back?... I don't know if that would just freak her out more... or what scripts you say to her about adoption. But I wonder if a kid friendly explanation of how it's against the law for them to have her back would address the fear she is feeling, without having to directly say... your idiot ex-father is living across the street.

    Sorry if this is convoluted, been a long day.

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  20. I've read both posts regarding this several days in a row.. I'm just not sure I can respond and keep it PG or PG-13 even. I cannot believe the utter stupidity or lack of concern or sheer idiotness that Jack Ass demonstrates.. I have no suggestions (that are legal- ha) so I'll just wish you luck and send Hugs to both you & G !!

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  21. I'm thinking that if she is on housing assistance, then she has some sort of regulations about other adults in the home. Somebody would be very interested in knowing that there is another adult in that home.

    And truly, I am incredibly sorry that your daughter is having such a rough time.

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  22. THANK YOU!

    I should say, we did not contact the lawyer and will not be paying for one (yet). A friend of The Husband contacted his brother who is an attorney and is calling back to give us some direction. But I think restraining orders are a self-serve sort of thing unless we need extra help.

    Its so hard to say if the Skank would feel bad Genea is struggling, or if she would use it as fuel for her Borderline Personality Disorder fires. As far as Jack, I mean, what do you do with someone who is that insensitive? How do you even reason with a person like that?

    We have been giving Genea extra support, as she is really stressed right now. Making her world much smaller is helping a lot. And, it is handy since we don't want to be in and out of the house until we can get a grip on this. We don't know what she knows for sure, or what she thinks. We are just giving extra hugs a lot!

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  23. Anyone who knows what our kids are like -- how hypervigilant they are and so on -- would immediately conclude that Genea's instincts sensed Jack's presence. Even if she can't pinpoint exactly who he is (yet), her neurons are probably prickling like crazy and her body has probably been releasing a steady flow of stress hormones and brain chemicals.

    I'm thinking that it's a good thing you at least now know the explanation for this across-the-board regression you've seen.

    Poor Genea. I am so sorry that she has been dealt this hand, and I am so sorry for you, Essie, about the feelings of helplessness and grief this must be filling you with.

    I wish I knew something you could do that would make it all better.

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  24. Wow...this is a lot. I agree with both Annie's above. Jack and his honey are just incredibly ignorant and insensitive. I would imagine that he has no feelings for G at all, her feelings are completely off his radar screen. Probably never even occurred to him that she is a sensitive being at all. People like him are too stupid to even think that kids may have any residual effects of anything traumatic happening to them. "oh, kids are resilient." What a load of crap!
    BTW, I really enjoy reading your blog. I have just recently started reading it. You have a lot on your plate and seem to handle it all with grace. Blessings to you and your beautiful girls!

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  25. I just want you to know how sorry I am that this could happen. You are making such wonderful progress with Genea and give so much of yourself. It doesn't make sense that the universe would allow this to happen. I am praying that something will turn in your favor. My heart goes out to you.

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