Thursday, February 4, 2010

Unimaginable

The most bizarre, unimaginable, horrible thing has happened. The woman who lives across the street and down one house came over today when the kids got home from school, and asked to speak with me in my driveway. Alone. Okay, so I sent the kids in the house and went out.

She tells me a man's name. She says, he is staying with me. The name is of the man, the original Dad, who with his wife, adopted Genea from Ukraine. The couple who went to Ukraine, adopted Genea and brought her to this country. That man. They divorced quickly after they terminated the adoption a couple of years back. I don't know what either of them has been doing since, but now he lives across the street. Evidently with his new girlfriend and her 2 children.

I must be in shock. If I so much as crack open the place in my brain that realizes what this will do to Genea, if I open so much as a sliver, all hell comes careening down.

This fucking moron knew where we lived. He brought some of Genea's stuff over when we were transitioning her here. He knows what he is doing. He was so indifferent to her at the time, I am not worried that he has some strange intention. He has lived there for about 3 months now, and we never knew. Although, I mentioned to The Husband just a week ago- look at that truck in the driveway at The Skank's house.... it has been parked exactly there and it never leaves. Whoever is living with her right now, he must not have a job and he must not ever go anywhere because that truck is always in that exact spot. He is not a bad person. I don't worry that he was abusive to Genea. The Skank assures me that however The Husband and I see fit to handle this, they will comply. He has been deliberately avoiding contact with Genea and that is apparent because I rarely have seen him. I have seen him from across the street myself and not recognized him. Of course, I wasn't really expecting to look for him. Of course there are a half million other places the jackass could live.

I just cannot believe this kind of bullshit is happening. What. The. Fuck.

Genea lived with the original adopting couple for almost 3 years, until she was four. So she will remember him. The Skank suggested we tell Genea that is the man's twin brother. Brilliant fucking idea lady.

So. We are going to wait a bit, think it through and consult with some other people. There is not really a book or therapy technique that will guide us through this kind of shit. The Husband is going to talk with the man and try to figure out what is going on, what his intentions are.

I just.... what this will do to Genea.... I just can't even think. The word "catastrophic" keeps coming into my brain. She doesn't talk about them, I know she would not want to live with him or anything like that. I am guessing she will barely remember him. But she will have a visceral recognition and it will be very, very, bad. Of his voice maybe, his posture. We can't just sit and wait and see what happens. If she notices him in some way, it will be all over. We are going to have to confront and control the possibilities within the ridiculously thin margin we have available. Fucking moron. It wasn't enough to screw her up by disrupting their adoption in the first place. Now he has to move in across the street? I mean, we can't make him move away. We can't control where he lives.

I don't even know what Genea will think. That we are giving her back? Sending her away? She is not safe or secure with us if he is there, she will think that. She might think she will lose us and he will take her.

Excuse my reeling around. I am writing as my brain is jumping from thought to thought.

SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

29 comments:

  1. HOLY HORSERADISHES! Seriously? Has this man no soul? I am SO sorry - what a horrible situation to put you all in! I have no advice...none that is legal and nice anyway. My prayers are with you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my God. I don't even know what to say. I've not been online to read blogs posts lately and this is the first one that popped up for me and I am stunned! What are these people thinking?? Are they capable of thinking?? I'm so sorry. Are the homes close enough together that a personal order of protection for your daughter could carry any power? If nothing else, it would send a strong message to him that he's not wanted in your community or anywhere around your family. Can a person even file a POP to prevent injury to a child by way of "emotional harm"? I don't know... :-(

    I just don't know what to say. I am so sorry though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, God, that is unbelievable. What a mess. I'm trying to imagine what I'd do in this situation and I'm at a loss. I'm so sorry this happened.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG! Of all the unexpected ambushes. I am so sorry you and your family have to deal with this. You and your family (especially Genea) are in my prayers. Screaming, where the kids can't hear, sounds like a good idea.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Geez! Of all the places in the entire world that the guy could pick to live!

    I guess I wouldn't move too fast if I were in this situation. I would be deliberate. Tell Skank that you expect the guy to continue to make himself scarce. Ask an attorney if you can file an OFP and can you get one without your daughter having to appear in court with this guy?

    Do you have a family therapist? If so, consult that person too. Then I think I would start finding ways to affirm to Genea that she is indeed very secure. That this family if for.ever. No. matter. what. Maybe make up a song about it and sing it all day everyday. Or make a book on Shutter.fly and read it to her everyday.

    Weather to tell her or not? I would work with the therapist on that. I can tell you that in our family there have been a few times we have run into "the past" and my kids reacted better than I thought they would. If you run into the guy in the community, I think I would downplay it big time. "He has nothing to do with us. You are secure. We are your family forever." And then I would run to the therapist!

    Geez I am sorry you have to deal with this. Keep us updated.

    ReplyDelete
  7. C. Razy. I have had a whole PILE of crazy, but absolutely nothing that holds a candle to that!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude. I am rarely speechless. But it is hard to type right now because my eyeballs have just FALLEN OUT OF MY HEAD.

    Are you going to talk to him?

    insane. INsane. I don't know what else to say.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think you should go buy a mask and tell him that if he leaves the house at any time when G could see him then he has to wear it! just kidding, well sort of. Making light of something is how I deal with things that stress me, I joke and this is stressing me even though it is happening to you because I can not believe that he would do that!

    ReplyDelete
  10. WOW!I would be thinking restraining order that would keep him far enough away that he couldn't live across the freakin' street. Some people have NO common sense. If he had any feelings of responsibility he would know it's not in your daughter's best interest for him to live there. This is something a person should NOT have to worry about!

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's really bizarre and really unfortunate.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I hardly know what to think. I'm sure you feel likewise. Thank heaven it is winter and people don't want to go outside...

    When she said they'd handle it however you wanted, what did she mean? The only thing that came to my mind was - yes; you must move. Does she own that house?

    I hate to admit cracking a smile, let alone laughing, but her suggestion that you say he is this guy's identical twin had that effect. So, we are talking really, really stupid, too?

    You could consult all sorts of people, but of course it is all as you say. Imagine how any adult woman would feel if her husband's previous girlfriend moved in across the street. Of course it would make you crazy - even though you are an adult, and mentally healthy. So - a child, an emotionally fragile child....how could such a thing not take on enormous proportions? If she sees him across the street from you, how can she believe that any place on earth is safe? I'd think that would color her view of the world forever.

    At which point, I'd say - if he is planning on staying there - I'd be planning on moving myself. Quite seriously. Before the weather got nice..... And until then I'd keep the front draperies closed. Come and leave the house only in the dark.

    Unbelievable.

    How quickly does she go through guys? Is there any hope at all?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Our girls are from Ukraine as well, although we adopted them at 7 yrs old. They struggled for the first year whenever they saw women with blond hair, scream and cling to me etc... that faded away and they have rarely ever spoken of their years at the orphanage, no names of children or adults... hopefully your daughters memories have been blurred enough that her response may not be as severe as your heart tells you. I go with the previous comment of constantly reassuring her that she is safe with you and not going anywhere. Legally I would guess that there is not much you can do until he does something. Hopefully he won't be there for much longer. If they are approaching you about it, maybe take that as a sign of good intentions, he obviously is trying not to be seen.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It would not surprise me if our kids' previously adoptive whack-jobs tried to pull something like this. But they WOULD do it to be hurtful and spiteful (and induce more fear).

    I would head over there and have a very firm come-to-Jesus chat with that man. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, and I would tell him that. Tell him what YOUR restrictions are, and that you are absolutely prepared to make his life a living hell, if necessary. I would consult with an attorney, to be prepared.

    Whip out your inner mamma bear.

    See, for my kids to even SEE their previously adoptive parents would send them into who-the-hell-knows-what.

    Oh. my. goodness. this is making my blood boil.

    Selfish, jerk of a .....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow! That is so tough. Sorry you have one more potential nightmare material on your hands! You will know what to do to make it right for Genea. Sending good thoughts your way.
    Best, Dia

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm with Christine. I would start by going over there to talk to him in a very "I am going to protect my child at all cost" tone. If he is just a live-in, he should consider becoming a live-out, after all, she said they were willing to comply. He needs to move on. He knew Genea lived there.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Well, that title did not make me think of something this horrible. You are right that this is truly horrible, with all the possible catastrophic effects on Genea that you are envisioning. She will definitely sense something if she catches so much as a glimpse of him -- maybe only at a cellular level, but we all know how powerful that can be. I am actually wondering whether there is any risk of her recognizing or being triggered by seeing his truck though it sounds like it's been there awhile without any effect on Genea so far.

    I'm with the others who recommended seeking legal advice.

    Really in a state of disbelief about this guy's total lack of good judgement and caring actions. So sorry you're having to deal with it. Can't imagine the worry you're feeling right now. We'll all be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh. I would be dizzy with emotions on this. I am trying to imagine if this were happening to us and I feel all panicky. I agree with those who say to approach him. Take the first step and let him know you are in charge. I would also get an attny and have the jerk sign documents that he will always use the back door and only go out into the community betwee 1 am-3am. Two hours is enough. Obviously he doesn't have your little girls interests in mind-only his. You have to take the reigns after talking to a therapist and attny. Then bill him.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Holy Sh*t! My mouth is wide open as I read this, I can't believe this!! I have no idea what you can do. What you should do. Oh my heart is just breaking for you.

    We adopted all 4 of our children from the foster care system, and both sets of parents live locally.

    Our little boy lived with a foster family for 9 months, and we are friends with the foster family actually, so we have been over there from time-to-time, but holy sh*t!!

    The only experience I can offer is when our little boy was first back at his first foster home (for a fun Halloween evening together), it definitely weirded him out a little, but then he was fine. I can only offer some trite advice - that maybe this will roll off of her a little easier than expected? Oh, your family will be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. My big question is WHY?

    Why would he do this? Did she live there before they met and he moved in? Or, did they rent/buy that house together?

    My gut reaction is MOVE! Move fast and far and don't tell them where. But, that's not entirely practical.

    So glad your husband is heading over there for a chat. How big is hubby? Does he have any tats or guns he can flash while he's there?

    I just...

    Wow.

    What an absolute self-centered idiot.

    Identical twin? You've got to be kidding me.

    My other question was Annie's--how long will creep and skank likely be together? Is there a high break-up potential?

    Oh, Es...

    You can come to Russia. I'll get you a visa.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am the conspiracy theorist in our family and always come up with the worst case scenerios...but I can't help but wonder HOW...how he ended up with Skank living right across the street from you. Did he stalk you, find a single Skank to hook up with? To me...having him send the girlfriend over to talk to you, identify him, etc. means two things. He's contemplating staying in the relationship AND he, for whatever reason, wanted you all to know he was there. Now, maybe he is a good guy...but maybe not. Shudder.

    This reminds me of when I found out that my ex-husband had named all of his pets (dog & 2 cats) with his new wife after the pets we had together. Just plain creepy.

    You are in my thoughts ((((Hugs))))

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kate and I are usually on the same wavelength. I can't help but feel that those who suggest getting an attorney are wishful thinkers. On some deep human level, his living there OUGHT to be illegal - but how can it be, really? Disruption is legal. It is not as though his parental rights were taken away.

    I'd hope that he sent his lady-friend over to speak to you because he realizes that this might not be a good thing for Genea and wants you to keep them apart. He probably does not want to see her either. Maybe he had to finally reveal to his girlfriend just WHY he'd never go outside!

    How the heck small a town do you live in? That is so very odd....

    ReplyDelete
  23. That is a no good very bad shame on him! I would wonder what the law provides for regarding emotional harm to a child? Whatever you can pester him with to let him know that living there will not be worth his while and it's time to get going.

    I really cannot even begin to think of a way that you could present this to Genea and it be okay. Other than maybe some role-play of how Mama is never going to leave her and if she saw people from the past (whatever that couple is referred to by your family) that she will still always be with Mama, etc. Maybe specifically take her through a play session of how it will be okay even if she sees him.

    It just seems that it should be her right not to have to deal with him. Could you get a restraining order that states he cannot be with in X amount of feet/visibility to her? I mean if he doesn’t have the decency and common sense on his own to stay away from her then my vote is to see how the law can help make him stay away.

    Hugs and support to you and Genea!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I thought this kind of stuff only happened in soap operas. It's like Wisteria Lane over there! Identical twin? Yikes, I see what you're up against. Probably will be manageable to avoid in winter, but what will you do in summer when the kids want to play outside? Pray they break up before then! That's all I've got.

    Wow.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Unbelievable! I can't help but think there's something fishy with him landing right across the freak-en street. And if he's been there so long without being noticed, why send the girlfriend over now?
    I agree, I don't know if there is anything legal you can do. Good grief....
    You're in my prayers...

    ReplyDelete
  26. Seriously? This is the wierdest thing I have heard of in a while. I hope he has some sense and moves away. What an idiot. The Skank? that cracks me up.

    ReplyDelete
  27. What the Frick frack kind of messed up situation is that!!!! At least he has had the decency to hide and she at least told you. But heck, that doesn't come even close to making this right. The only thing I am praying for is that they get in a HUGE fight and he moves on ASAP. That is the only way your precious child will not be harmed any more by this man. Seth's last Mommy called our house once and he spun completely out of control. Some things are best left in the past, forever and ever.

    Sending huge hugs and loads of wisdom to figure this out.

    ReplyDelete
  28. All I can say is, oh. my. God. So sorry, and I'm sorry I have no advice or helpful suggestions.

    I'll go pick my jaw up off the floor now.........

    ReplyDelete

I love comments! If you agree or disagree, comment away! However if you are a butthead about it, you may be excised.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...