Saturday, November 22, 2008


I don't like turkey.
There. I said it. And now the whole world can see this bit of scandalous information about me. I am sure there is good turkey in this world, it has just never been on a plate in front of me. There is this holiday, Thanksgiving, coming up which for some reason demands a turkey be cooked and eaten by all Americans. Something about pilgrims, I don't really remember the details. Anyway, I have spent the past 15 years or so advocating against the bird with virtually no success whatsoever. I am not accustomed to putting out that much of an effort with no return!
Before I was married with children, I usually managed to skip out on this particular holiday. The Husband and I would eat pizza and watch movies. I got that idea from an Indian friend in high school (India Indian, not Native American). I have no problem with the concept behind the holiday, of sharing and gratitude, I just would like to share and be grateful for a pizza or some kind of food I do like.
Throughout my childhood, as a family we would go to my Aunt's house for dinner. Nothing stands out there, I just remember everyone making a HUGE fuss about the great turkey and thinking, what the hell is wrong with these people. The next day we always went to my grandparents for leftovers. Again, everyone would say oooh ahhh what a great turkey only this time I knew some of those people were lying because I asked them in the car on the way home. Not that I am naming any names. My Grandma is of the generation that believes a few things about food that cannot be changed or argued. #1: all food can be boiled #2: all food should be cooked until all consistency is gone and the texture is pureed #3: all food and all parts of food shall be eaten.
Nowadays, my mother has Thanksgiving. Here is where it gets tricky. I technically could have a holiday at my house. Rarely is this ever mentioned in my hearing and I pretend I do not think those thoughts. So, I should not complain unless I am willing to step up and do something about it. However, no one wants to come to my house. Sure, once in awhile it might come up, but no one follows through. I don't know if it is because they are afraid of what I might cook, or if they are afraid a cat might get them or what the deal is, but every time it gets to where it looks like a holiday celebration might convene at my house, nervous looks start passing around the room and then somebody remembers to mention the dogs. Oh! Phew! We can't go to her house, we cannot take the dogs because of her cats! Hmmm, and this is just occurring to me as I write, maybe they are afraid I will forget the whole thing and everyone will show up at my house and I will be like oh hi, what are you doing here? Or cancel it at the last minute because I just don't like the holidays that much anyway, so lets just drop the whole thing. Or pretend none of us are home. Hmm.
So, over the past 10 or so years, my mother and I have had the same conversation all year long. She and I discuss all year how we don't like turkey that much. Eh, it's ok if that is all you have, but now ham, that is good stuff. I spend the year reminding her of these facts and yet, every year come November she suddenly forgets her own mind and goes and buys a bird. Last year it was an Amish turkey. Why a religious group would have better turkey I do not know. Year before my uncle brought a fryer and fried the turkey. To the bone. Yup, lost most of it in the cooker thingy while shooting arrows and drinking martini's out in the yard with my Dad. Year before that, we were going to have a turkey and a ham, but that fell through when it turned out my mom had lied about the ham. Year before that was the year my cousin had the holiday in Chicago. He made 4 different turkeys, marinated and injected and whatever, until he settled on the one he put out which, you guessed it, was dry and blehch. However that particular Thanksgiving was memorable in that he had moved his new girlfriend into his house and his ex-wife had moved in to the house next door, so he pushed all the table right up next to the windows and I was freaked out thinking a bullet was going to come through at any moment. That, and the 8 courses of alcohol for 7 courses of food specially concocted to blend and accent each dish but by then obviously, who cared.
So, it's that time of year again. My mom insists this year she is having a good turkey. It is a smaller bird so it will cook better and it is smoked so it will have flavor. She says. Whatever. My sisters in-laws have started coming the past few years, and they bring a lamb (My Big Fat Greek Wedding was based on their part of Chicago) and a few of their own dishes that they all eat. It is annoying that all the good restaurants are closed on Thanksgiving, like Wendy's and Burger King and Pizza Hut. Anyway, the good news, the really really good news, is that the girls will be staying with my parents for a few days while The Husband and I rest in our seperate comas. Fabulous!


  1. Im vegan so i always get out of having Turkey..i hated it as kid (christmas thing of course we didn't do Thanks giving stuff in England)
    You could say you've discovered you have an allergy to you could try! or maybe for religious believes you can't eat it? no?
    Good luck!

  2. Ha ha, that's a good idea! I will tell them I am standing up for the rights of turkeys everywhere lol, because I am allergic and it is against my religion. Ugh, I am pretty sure my mom will say, shut up and eat and then despite the fact that I am old enough to make my own decision, I will eat the danged turkey anyway because she put a huge amount of work into it and I don't want her to feel bad. Then I will start the plea's against turkey again in a few weeks!


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