I get Teena from her bus in the afternoon, then we usually wait in the driveway for Genea's bus to come about 5 minutes later. Our house is only 3 houses away from the bus stop, so I let Genea get off the bus herself and "hang" on the curb a few minutes with her friends so she can be cool while we watch her. Provided it is not raining or cold of course. Then she runs up and we all fight and kick our way to the door depending on who thinks she is the appointed leader versus who is attempting to overthrow current leadership regime versus Mama who gives not a shit and snaps on them to get moving. Right. As usual, we cannot seem to complete any sort of task in a simple or calm way. Walk to the door. That's all we have to do and we are not able to manage even that.
Chaos continues as we move through the actual door, based on who thinks she was supposed to go in first as opposed to who is trying to shove her way in first. Sometimes there is wailing, or a tantrum for mystery reasons. But it is always a loud clumsy and physical exchange what with coats and backpacks and shoes and you would genuinely think there were 14 kids there instead of just 2.
So the other day when Genea asked me in the middle of all this, as she tends to do, if she could have a hug and a kiss, I said "yes a hug no kiss" as I was trying to pull off Teena's coat inside out. I thought that sounded a bit cold, so I clarified "yes you can hug my leg if you want but I can't bend down to kiss you right now but if you really want to you can kiss my belly button", which is in the general region of where her face lands. She thought that was a hilarious idea and proceeded to kiss my shirt in the area of the belly button. Then she said "that's where babies come out from right?"!
CLANK BaBOOM PING CHATHUNK is the sound of my brain shattering and my head exploding at the same time.
"Mmmmn, umm hmmm, yeah" I mumbled, in my most educated speaking voice. As my brain was screaming "OH SHIT you told her the wrong thing and she thinks the wrong thing what NOW I was NOT expecting this what should I tell her I have to correct her she cant go around thinking babies come out of belly buttons but good CRAP I can't tell her where they REALLY come from right NOW she can't handle that information she will be shocked and appalled and horrified and not in any kind of good way oh NO what should I do don't I have a book on this somewhere where the hell is that book and what did it say I don't remember" so I coughed a bit and said :
"well, not really".
Only now Genea is looking quizzical and it is alarming how obvious it is that she is about to ask for more details and I don't have any to give her because I DON'T KNOW ANY details to give to a 6 year old. I mean I have thought about this and gone through some scenarios, mostly where I hide behind clinical terminology that I know they won't understand and maybe draw a vague outline of something, but THIS was NOT one of the ways I considered and so I said:
"Well, from the area" as I uselessly gestured toward my offending belly button. I really did that. I can't believe it even typing the words.
At which point Teena started to squirm around looking like she was going to jump in and make a point of which she does NOT HAVE any points to make so I knew THAT was not going to be anything good so I interrupted and said:
"So who wants a cookie?"
I think I successfully dodged that bullet from hell but now I cannot laze around on the whole "where babies come from" thing. My innocence has been ruined and I now have to consider where babies really DO come from and how am I going to pass that on to 2 small, sheltered children in a way they will understand and not freak out. I can no longer wave cluelessly in the wind. I know this is a slippery slope people. Slippery. Slope. Next they are going to want to know how that baby got in there and I tell you, I might just have to get laryngitis for the next 20 years. I mean come ON!
Accidental Mommy. Notice I am not the Mommy That Has it Going On, or the Mommy Who Knows Stuff. Not Supermommy or Mommy Who Can Handle Everything.