Thursday, October 22, 2009

Well I messed THAT up

I get Teena from her bus in the afternoon, then we usually wait in the driveway for Genea's bus to come about 5 minutes later. Our house is only 3 houses away from the bus stop, so I let Genea get off the bus herself and "hang" on the curb a few minutes with her friends so she can be cool while we watch her. Provided it is not raining or cold of course. Then she runs up and we all fight and kick our way to the door depending on who thinks she is the appointed leader versus who is attempting to overthrow current leadership regime versus Mama who gives not a shit and snaps on them to get moving. Right. As usual, we cannot seem to complete any sort of task in a simple or calm way. Walk to the door. That's all we have to do and we are not able to manage even that.

Chaos continues as we move through the actual door, based on who thinks she was supposed to go in first as opposed to who is trying to shove her way in first. Sometimes there is wailing, or a tantrum for mystery reasons. But it is always a loud clumsy and physical exchange what with coats and backpacks and shoes and you would genuinely think there were 14 kids there instead of just 2.

So the other day when Genea asked me in the middle of all this, as she tends to do, if she could have a hug and a kiss, I said "yes a hug no kiss" as I was trying to pull off Teena's coat inside out. I thought that sounded a bit cold, so I clarified "yes you can hug my leg if you want but I can't bend down to kiss you right now but if you really want to you can kiss my belly button", which is in the general region of where her face lands. She thought that was a hilarious idea and proceeded to kiss my shirt in the area of the belly button. Then she said "that's where babies come out from right?"!

CLANK BaBOOM PING CHATHUNK is the sound of my brain shattering and my head exploding at the same time.

"Mmmmn, umm hmmm, yeah" I mumbled, in my most educated speaking voice. As my brain was screaming "OH SHIT you told her the wrong thing and she thinks the wrong thing what NOW I was NOT expecting this what should I tell her I have to correct her she cant go around thinking babies come out of belly buttons but good CRAP I can't tell her where they REALLY come from right NOW she can't handle that information she will be shocked and appalled and horrified and not in any kind of good way oh NO what should I do don't I have a book on this somewhere where the hell is that book and what did it say I don't remember" so I coughed a bit and said :

"well, not really".

Only now Genea is looking quizzical and it is alarming how obvious it is that she is about to ask for more details and I don't have any to give her because I DON'T KNOW ANY details to give to a 6 year old. I mean I have thought about this and gone through some scenarios, mostly where I hide behind clinical terminology that I know they won't understand and maybe draw a vague outline of something, but THIS was NOT one of the ways I considered and so I said:

"Well, from the area" as I uselessly gestured toward my offending belly button. I really did that. I can't believe it even typing the words.

At which point Teena started to squirm around looking like she was going to jump in and make a point of which she does NOT HAVE any points to make so I knew THAT was not going to be anything good so I interrupted and said:

"So who wants a cookie?"

I think I successfully dodged that bullet from hell but now I cannot laze around on the whole "where babies come from" thing. My innocence has been ruined and I now have to consider where babies really DO come from and how am I going to pass that on to 2 small, sheltered children in a way they will understand and not freak out. I can no longer wave cluelessly in the wind. I know this is a slippery slope people. Slippery. Slope. Next they are going to want to know how that baby got in there and I tell you, I might just have to get laryngitis for the next 20 years. I mean come ON!

Accidental Mommy. Notice I am not the Mommy That Has it Going On, or the Mommy Who Knows Stuff. Not Supermommy or Mommy Who Can Handle Everything.



  1. rofl My niece is 3 and thought babies came in the mail, because they got caterpillars that way once, so all good things come in the mail, don'tcha know. I just told her they come from the hospital, but she's only 3, so there's no use trying to explain it further, although she does want to go there and help me pick one out. ;)

  2. Holy crackers, you just made me pee myself a little bit.

    Which might be a good way to help her explain where the babies come from, come to think about it...

    at least it gets her a little closer..

    When I am stumbling, I always try to say something like, "I think we should look for a book about that at the library..."

    Speaking of which, "It's Not the Stork" by Robie Harris is my personal favorite for "where do babies come from".. at least for kids their age.

  3. I find with the boys now 7 and 9 but 6 and 8 when the questions started that honesty was the best and although they do not need all the information they tend to stop asking so much once you give them some solid answers. The boys heard about sperm/eggs and wombs and then it stopped, i offered to tell them more and they were really not interested, they had listened to me ramble for long enough. Good luck

  4. Cookie was a brilliant gambit.

    I vote for NOT explaining where babies really come from (unless they ask...and you run out of cookies) but rather explaining the belly button--that's how babies eat when they're in their mommies' tummy. It's not where they come out. (And, if you really want to throw them off track, remind them Daddy has a belly button and he can't have a baby. Ha!). See--another dodge.

    (Funny story as Kate hijacks your blog.) I remember in third grade finding a book called "What to Tell Your Children About Sex". As the oldest, I figured that was my cue to ask a question. While making spaghetti sauce I asked, "Mom, what's sex?" and she replied, "Sex is whether you're a boy or a girl." I thought I had the stupidest mother alive if she needed to read an entire book to tell me that.

  5. Oh, the dreaded question!

    Katya has asked me multiple times! And I'VE TOLD HER, and she STILL KEEPS ASKING! She knows how the baby gets out, she wants to know how it gets IN.

    At first, I sort of skirted around the issue because I did not think she was mature enough to handle it, plus I figured she'd blab it to all her friends whose moms would blacklist me. But, she asked enough times, that finally (at Disney World, no less) I told her. I really believe that honesty is the best policy and I don't want to give the impression that it's anything to be embarrassed about. So, I thought I had gotten that all out of the way. Then...

    Just last week, my little sister announced she was pregnant. Katya wants to know: How DID that baby get in there? "I've told you that, Katya. Remember?" I said. She said she didn't really understand, I needed to be more specific (I was pretty specific): do you kiss some special way? rub noses? She wanted an algorithm. (And I'd already told her! At Disney World!) That's when I decided that she isn't REALLY ready for that information and I told her that it's hard to explain and that when she got older it'd be easier to understand and that I'd be happy to explain it to her when she was just a little bit older, like say, 5th or 6th grade. "You wouldn't expect me to expect you to do 6th grade math in 3rd grade now, would you?"

    Yikes. Good luck with that. I say, distract and stall. If you can.

  6. I was open and honest with A & K when they asked how the baby got out of the mama (when they were 4 & 6). The thought of a baby coming out of their vagina was enough to make A writhe on the floor with imaginary labor pains and more than enough to convince K that she would adopt all of her children. Because ICK! and OUCH! "Borning a baby" would really really hurt! I am so hoping they remember that conversation and their reactions in about 10 years!

    I say be honest and tell it like it is.

    So far that's the only question I've gotten regarding the issue. Oh, I know the rest is a'comin' and I must be prepared, but right now I am majorly lacking the proper age-appropriate info. I may just have to look up the book Corey recommended. Thanks for the recommendation!

  7. ummm.... my 8 year old and 4 year old know WHERE they come from, but don't quite understand HOW they got there. They know that females have eggs and they believe that when they are married and decide they want a baby one of the eggs will hatch in the female's body. hahaha.... I can't bring myself to tell them the rest of the story. I'm thinking I still have another year or two (at least)... hopefully before we have to go into the details of it all.

  8. All the kids in our house know where babies come from :
    The Social Worker.

  9. My kids all know the truth about babies. Mommy gets a call, goes to the hospital & comes home with a new baby :)

  10. Oh my, that is TOO funny! So far my oldest thinks that babies all get "cut out" of their mommies' bellies since I had a c-section with him. lol I guess at some point we'll have to clarify that, but for now, he's just 6 years old! lol

  11. When our (biological) son was almost 7, he wanted to know how two of our (adopted) daughters could have a grandmother that was not the third (adopted) daughter's, which led to "but HOW can they have the same mother and different fathers," which led to, well, eventually saying, "let's talk about that tonight after your shower." We tried to soft-pedal and distract, but he just kept ASKING! We gave him a very barest bones description of sex, to which he responded by turning pale and replying, "Ooooooh. I don't think I want to do THAT. Do I HAVE to do that? Isn't there another way to get a baby?" So, pass out cookies until you really really have to answer.

  12. Peeing my pants. There's too much pee, puke and poo stuff going on here. I might as well get in on the action. :)

  13. I am totally with Kate - that was MY first reaction, too. You're talking about the BELLY BUTTON after all!

  14. Don't give them more information than you want back, in a loud tone, in a public place. Hearing "So he put his penis in her vagina because she has a fat tummy?", in the middle of a crowded check out line is embarrassing. FYI :)

  15. Hey Essie. I just came across a possibly relevant passage in that book I like while riding the bus in to work this morning. I think it's too much to put in a comment. So if you want me to send it to you, dash off an email to me at Elizabeth_Troutt at umanitoba dot ca

  16. OMG that has to be about the funniest thing I have ever heard! Here is a sweet little poem to help you explain it to them, when they ask how the baby got in there:

    Daddy fits into Mommy
    Like a key in a lock
    Like a foot in a sock

    See? Dr. Suess has an answer for everything!

  17. Dear Teena: babies come from hospitals
    Dear Genea: babies come from case workers

    How does the baby get in there?
    First Mommy and Daddy go to the bar.....

    No no no, just kidding LOL!
    Well, not kidding, but you know, I am not going to tell them that!

  18. I've always sung silly songs to the kids. One that I always sang to the older kids were "If I went to the baby shop, I'd pick Chick" (Lydia's nickname) or "I'd pick Sprout." (Aidan's nickname.)

    So one day I'm singing ditties to Zhenya and out comes that one before I realize how very apt it is!

  19. Ha! You're in a scary situation because you waited too late to tell them where babies come from.
    I told all my kids, starting when they were too young to understand, how they grew "under my heart" in a "special little room" in my body. Remember, these are kids who can't even talk yet. Later, when they were toddlers, they'd notice when my friends were pregnant (or in the case of the youngest one) when I was personally pregnant myself and we'd talk about whatever they were curious about.
    I was fortunate to be born with the ability to appear absolutely calm and unfazed during the most insane situations. Calmness and matter-of-factness is key when talking to kids about sex. If you're not naturally calm, pretend you're talking about elbows or eyebrows instead of genitalia.
    We got books from the library and looked at diagrams and got all amazed at the crazy cool SCIENCE of it all.
    Keeping it simple but factual is important. They won't remember the thousand and one nice things we did for them but they remember when we lie to them.
    I don't remember ever having an embarrassing moment with them over sexual information. My DH, on the other hand, was appalled to learn, at the ago of thirty, what unborn babies eat. He just assumed that little pieces of pizza and tuna salad sandwiched fell down to where the fetus was lounging around.

  20. I was about 8 months pregnant and wearing my favorite maternity overalls when I came to pick up my 2 year old daughter. A couple of her little friends wanted to know about the baby. One of them wanted to "see it." *eek!*

    Don't want to explain where babies come from at all, let alone to other people's two year olds! So I told the outspoken tot that the baby was in a special pocket inside my tummy.

    As I'm squating down looking at my daughter's drawing on the table in front of her, I feel little hands creeping inside the bib of my overalls! The sweet little one was trying to reach inside my "special pocket!" LOL!!

    As for my kids - they won't even let me talk about it (Mooommm!). I worry sometimes that they have the wrong info.

    Mary in TX (mom to kids ages 10, 13, 14, and 16)


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