Your butt is awesome

So Genea comes home from school today. She is in her usual mood. Which is, she has held herself together all day long. Despite the obvious efforts of other students to mess her day up by being absent or whatever, she can usually stay calm on the outside. When she gets home, she has to let it out and so she finds something to be upset about, has herself some wango tango time, then gets over it. Today, she had her after school wango tango but was still sniffley and pitiful later. I asked her if she was ok or did something happen at school today? Here is what she said.
Genea " Kid 1 and kid 2 said to me your butt is awesome"
Me (trying not to laugh hysterically) "they did huh, what did you do"?
G "I told my teacher and she said not to worry about it but she talked to kid 2"
M "Well, hmmm, umm, saying the word awesome means something is good. I think they were trying to say something nice"
G "No"
M "Yeah, well think about it. When you say something is awesome does that mean you like it or don't like it?"
G "I don't like it"
M *sigh* ok. "Well okay, if it makes you feel uncomfortable when someone says that then they should stop. But try not to bother the teacher with tattling unless someone is going to be bleeding".
G "Okay. Next time they say my butt is awesome I am going to annoy- r them"
M "You're going to.... oh! Ignore them. Good idea". Either way.

Re-arranged!

O.M.G.
My local Target store rearranged their aisles.
I feel like someone broke into my home and was digging around in my stuff. Like they took all my canned food and put it in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Dumped my undie drawer out on the floor.
It was like being... being... in a ... a KMART!
(nothing against the K really, just they have let their stores get trashed)(now back to me)
I have been burgled. Perpetrated against. Victimized. The stupid vitamins and stuff are where my cool little sample size dollar stuff was. What IS that? Scootched the deorderant over by the door. Did us customers smell like we couldn't find it? Toothpaste is there now too- were we all looking crusty?
Not cool!

To clarify...

A few people have asked as to whether Genea has seen a doctor on the subject of her urinating issues. She has. When she was with the other family and had Failure to T hrive (did not grow or gain weight for 2 years), she had every medical test under the sun. This includes CAT scans, x- rays, MRI, blood tests, medication tests, blood sugar tests, urinalysis and all sorts of other tests I never heard of. She got her very own Pediatric Endocrinologist at a specialty Childrens Hospital.Two important things were learned. First, she had burned out her bodies ability to produce stress hormone. Second, she is completely normal and healthy physically otherwise.

I have spoken with her pediatrician many times. We agree that this is an emotional problem for Genea. It is exacerbated when she is under stress. She also gets "stuck" in certain reactions, certain cycles, and it can take a lot to push her out of it. She does not get consequences for night time bed wetting. It is only when it happens in the day time.

I made up and brought the list of symptoms to Genea's psychiatrist because I tend to be unable to describe clinically significant issues to him. As I pointed out, this is NOT how I see Genea. This was a list of things I thought were important for him to know medically. I thought people might be interested to see the full range of what makes up a stretch of disordered behavior in our house here. Usually in the appointments I stumble along, yammer some nonsense and when we are almost done he will say "OH! You didnt tell me THAT before, well THATS different"(my interpretation). I did not list off things that all kids do. The highlighted things are excessive. Frequent, intense and severe. Not what your average child does. She is not your average child. Likewise her experiences do not make her exempt from serious psychological disorder. Her background does not earn her a pass.


We do not spend our days drowning in Genea's problems. Every day is new. There is no "hangover" from the previous day. Every day starts with few restrictions (no cake for breakfast) for both girls. I have been coincidentally scheduling surprise popcorn and movie parties on days that she is dry. I spontaneously hand out treats and hugs and high 5's for being considerate to others. She earns "chips" for positive behaviors that can be exchanged for painting toenails, picking the restaurant on take out night, etc. Several of the categories are "givens" to ensure there is always daily success in something, no matter what else has happened. Every night we have snuggle time for at least a half hour, tickle time, and kiss kiss time, we just do it, not as anything but just being together. No matter what else happens we do these things. We spend 15 -20 minutes after school every day talking about school and her day and whatever the teacher sent home, drawings and stuff. Fun things, things that were hard, whatever. We do strong sitting together, as well as tapping together. These are the things I can think of offhand to write, it is not rigidly structured, it is just our days. She had to have 5 dry days to get back in her undies and she has made it. Today she went to school with undies on again. She came home with the same undies on, dry. This morning, for the first time ever, Genea got up and went to the bathroom and used it. Teena does all the same with chips and things so that Genea is not singled out.

Incidentally, I have one other bit of information from Genea's other family. She was continent with them because they had a severe and extreme consequence for urinating outside of the toilet. I am not willing to do that and I am not going to discuss what it was. I have tried everything else I can think of. Kind and encouraging. Supportive, hugging, loving. I have given out stickers, and made charts and given out candy. I have sympathized, structured, timed and rewarded on this subject. When it was just a problem here at home we used all sorts of different ways to keep her dry. It was when she started going on herself at school that I decided I needed to really come down hard on this. I know folks are aware of what can happen to a kid like Genea at school with classmates. The kid who pees herself will become a target for years of torment, bullying and abuse. Being this hard on her is not what I want to do and it is not how I want to do it. It is what is working.


In most ways, Genea has grown and developed and is a great little kid. And while I myself may often wonder if I can really help her (who do I think I am?), the proof is in the shoes. After living here for a month, she started growing. She grew 4 or 5 shoe sizes in 3 months. She grew 11 inches in 12 months. Yes that is right. After about 6 months, and after doing enormous amounts of research, reading and reading and reading, learning words I still cannot spell, I was able to put some pieces together regarding her medical condition, took another approach and within another 6 months we were able to throw away her Medic Alert bracelet. Yes, I literally threw it into a corner behind the TV somewhere. (Syringes I disposed of differently). My point is, I am doing my best. I have left no stone unturned and I do not intend to. My instincts have been dead on so far. I forget how frightening the graphic terminology can be and how discouraging it can sound. It is all real. It is not everything and it is not defining of her. It seems I need to be more clear. I have spent too much recent post space on the negatives. So I will try to be more clear and much more balanced.

Go figure..

On Thursday the girls went to stay with my parents for the weekend. When Genea got up that morning, I told her that she would get no pull up this day. See, because she doesnt need them at my parents house. This is what I told her. You never P yourself at Grandma's house so I am just sending pull ups for nighttime, because you won't need them during the day.
No daytime P, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and they just got home today, Sunday, so far, no P.

Since no one reads on a weekend anyway...

I took Genea to the psychiatrist on Thursday. He has known her since she was with the first family, so about 3 years. Whenever I get in the office with him and Genea I seem to lose my ability to communicate, I forget everything I wanted to mention, and what I do manage to eek out makes no sense. Why is that? Got no idea. I have no objectivity, I am Genea's Mom. So this time I made a list. I went around and collected a list of symptoms for childhood bipolar disorder and for reactive attachment disorder. Then I highlighted everything that fit and emailed it out a few days ahead of time. I also included a list of things I see as on going problems that do not seem to fit anything. PLEASE keep in mind that I do nOT see Genea in only this negative light. As her Dr will say himself, (the only male doctor I have ever met who has any sense), he is not there to hear about her accomplishments in table setting or that she likes cheese. He needs to hear what the problems are to put the pieces together to make an accurate assessment.

I am shrinking my font because this is so very long!
May 18, 2009
Here is a list of symptoms from a diagnostic list of child and adolescent bipolar disorder on cabf.org everything in bold is something I see in Genea.
An expansive or irritable mood
Extreme sadness, unwillingness to play
Rapidly changing moods lasting a few hours to a few days
Explosive, lengthy and often destructive rages
Separation anxiety
Defiance of authority
Hyperactivity, agitation and distractibility
Sleeping little or alternatively sleeping too much
Bed wetting and night terrors
Strong and frequent cravings often for carbohydrates and sweets
Excessive involvement in activities and projects
Impaired judgement, impulsivity, racing thoughts and pressure to keep talking
Dare-devil behaviors
Inappropriate sexual behavior
Delusions , hallucinations
Grandiose belief in abilities that defy logic
Genea shows all of the above except for the last 4. Night terrors are infrequent and defiance is fairly minor although is elevated. Rages are explosive, over minor snags and not usually destructive.

Attachment Disorder diagnostic criteria from attach.org
Superficially engaging and charming
Lack of eye contact on parents terms
Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
Resistant to affection on parents terms
Destructive to self, others and things, accident prone
Cruelty to animals
Lying about the obvious
Stealing
No impulse controls, hyperactive
Learning lags
Lack of cause and effect thinking
Lack of conscience
Abnormal eating patterns
Poor peer relations
Preoccupation with fire, blood, gore
Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
Inappropriately demanding or clingy
Abnormal speech pattern
Triangulation of adults
False allegations of abuse
Presumptive entitlement issues
Parents appear hostile, angry


Here are some of our daily issues:
Frequent urinating on self, in cycles
Binges on liquids, deliberately setting self into coughing episodes
Tactile defensiveness yet craves touch and pressure
Stiff, always stiff. Toe walks, muscles are tense even when sleeping.
Falls, trips, knocks things over many times an hour- is able to stop
Able to spontaneously vomit
Hurts sister without cause, expressionless both at the time and when caught
Unable to occupy herself, polar opposite of previous behavior
Able to maintain herself well in school. Report cards are really good. Teacher loves her (not just saying that, I think she really does). They note a delay in physical abilities, both fine and gross motor.
She may need glasses, going for appointment.
Her short term memory is terrible. It feels to me like she sees her days as one mountain after another and once she has pushed through her day that’s it, like it never happened. For example, she rarely remembers what she had for lunch. Even though we ask daily, she is only just recently able to pluck out events to tell about. Then it is usually something that caused her stress, such as a child being absent that day. Or, the day there was an unexpected substitute teacher wow, she just blew up when she got home.

Previous diagnosis’
Failure to Thrive ages 28 months to 4 years old. No growth or weight gain
Autism- Moderate, probably inaccurate, age 3
Addisons syndrome (similar to) age 3 to 5
Anaclymic Depression

She will go to time out and will do as told for consequences. Since I have started her doing jumping jacks when she takes on her vacant expression to “get her brain unstuck” her brain is much less stuck. Also has stopped coughing on liquids since I gave her a spoon to get her liquids with. I did it for one day and she quit choking entirely when she got her cup back. Have her in diaper at school after 4th wetting incident in about 3 weeks time. She loves it. I have her paying me back for the extra expense of the diapers by doing a ‘nasty’ chore every time she comes home with a wet diaper. So far, only one day with a dry diaper. But, a lot of nasty chores are getting done.

Spontaneous tantrums have reduced slightly. Able to accept ‘no’ about 20% improvement. Does not go to full blown screaming crying fit immediately as first reaction to every thing she doesn’t like. However, will go to it as second reaction when she does not get what she wants. VERY unpleasant past 2 weeks or so. Have stepped up strong sitting and tapping, using more restrictive therapeutic parenting (Nancy Thomas).
I see cycles with Genea, usually it is 2-3 weeks of sort of stable behavior then 1-2 weeks of explosive wild behavior. She reports feeling nervous, or worried often.


So that is what I sent them. After much discussion, we increased her medication in order to try to stabilize her moods more. Hopefully if that works, we will be able to effectively address some of the behavioral manifestations of her neurological imbalances. It has been 2 years. Originally I heard a lot of "its going to take time" and "you are trying to rush it" but I don't think that can be said anymore.

Potty Boot Camp

What did people do before blogs? Jump off a bridge?


I would be the happiest mom in the world if I could just let up on Genea and have all her issues fall into place. It would be so, so, great, if I could go easy on her, be nice, and have a result. If her surface affect, her insincere interactions, her superficial charm and interest, if any of that were, as was suggested today, a result of "just trying to please" me. I would be truly, ecstatically peeing on myself if that were accurate. That's right. Peeing. On Myself. Were anyone on this planet to put one tenth of that effort out just for the sheer intent of making me feel positively towards them. Wow. What a great life I would have. Who has a life that great that I could even compare too? I can't even think of anyone!


I hate having to be this parent sometimes. Damn it would be fabulous to relax and approximate the mom I thought I might have a chance at being. If I could just give Genea a bowl of ice cream and listen to her talk. I would listen all night. All day, all week. However long it took. I don't want to drag my daughter through all this. My other daughter having to see it, hear it. Ugh. I wouldn't be potty training an almost 6 year old. An almost 6 year old who deliberately, intentionally, P's herself regularily. My house stinks. Their room reeks.


I have tried everything on this P issue. I am at the end. These are the things I have resorted to. Keep in mind this has been going on for 2 years. It is totally voluntary. There are no physical problems. Genea is wearing a pull up to school now. Every day that she P's in it, she has to pay me back for having the extra expense. I pay for one stupid pull up a day. She has to do a nasty chore to pay me back for any extras. She has to sit on the toilet for 10 minutes every 30. She has to sanitize the toilet seat. She has to carry a timer around with her and bring it to me to reset every time it goes off. She has to hand wash out the clothes and hang them outside to dry. She has to sit on a piece of plastic wherever she goes in the house. She may not sit on any furniture. I have tried all these things on and off, but never all of it at the same time. Now, finally, she is trying. 3 of the past 4 days have been dry. Not even going to discuss the overnights. Sigh.


I have one more idea before I resort to using an alarm on the underwear. The placebo effect. I am going to give her a vitamin and tell her it is an anti- urination pill. I have not got it all fine tuned yet, but my idea in general is to say, this will make you able to go potty when you need too, instead of in your undies- pull up- pants- whatever. I will make up a side effect, maybe it could give you a headache, but it will help your P come out where it is supposed to. It is very powerful but you still have to do the work to go into the bathroom, on to the toilet. So there it goes. I am going to start after the weekend, cuz my little darlings are on their way to my moms for the weekend. Woo hoo. Sleep time. Rest. Prop eyelids up with toothpicks and watch late TV. Not that I watch a lot. Maybe get drunk. Oooh, that sounds good.

Put a ban on smoking bans

Wisconsin has just dedicated itself to going cigarette- smoke free by July of next year.
Smoking is not a good thing. Even though it makes you look really cool, it does no favors for your skin, lungs, blood and other stuff that hangs together to form a human. Dying from lung cancer is excruciating. Watching someone die from cancer is excruciating. Ok, so I have that out of the way.
Smoking bans are the super- trend right now. Across the country individual cities and states are forbidding full grown adults from poisoning their own selves. The government is deciding for me that I don't have the right to toxify my own body with carcinogens in public. That's right, The Government.
We are getting our very own workplace smoking ban which includes *gasp* bars and restaurants. People who work in places that people want to smoke in should not have to be subjected to the smoke that people who are the customers want to exhale. Unnnkaaaay. On the surface, sounds good. Right! Get your scrubby clean air here! Protect the people! And all that!
Here is another thought..... let the people who want to smoke gather in smelly funk rancid bars and let the people who don't want to smoke or breath it or see it floating around go to a bar or restaurant that does not allow smoking! Yep, that's right, let the business owners decide for themselves what the policy should be! Then let the customers support their preferences with their feet! And their shaky little yellowed hands!
Here is my real gripe. Smoking cigarettes is an easy target. We know it is bad, I mean seriously. Did people really believe the tobacco companies when they said it was healthy? Anyway. You can see a smoker. Smell a smoker. Even when a smoker is not practicing their hobby you know when one is around. Smoking is visible. And it is repugnant. Instead of having nasty brown walled rooms in a workplace dedicated to self imposed cancer inhaling wheezers, smoking has been busted to the great outdoors. So people hover around doorways and blast you with exhalement as you pass by.
Where I live is a huge river, the Fox. The Fox River is very popular for fishing and competitions. Walleye tournaments etc. There is a group of people who immigrated here known as Hmong. The Hmong have always fished, to live. Naturally as they came here they continued to catch fish to eat. Only, eating the fish from this river will make you really sick. Bazillions of dollars have gone into studying this river for a good decade now to decide who poisoned the river and what to do. Still, no one can eat the fish from this river. They were supposed to start cleaning it last month. It is expected to take another 10 years to clean.
What the hell is causing Autism? And the spike in ADHD? Don't know. But blame the pharmaceutical companies for causing the increase by providing a medication.
Remember a few years back when women in California were found to have toxic levels of rocket fuel in their breast milk?
All those survivors of Hurricane Katrina who were given those cute little trailers to live in temporarily, remember those? The trailers construction products emitted a toxin that caused respiratory problems in the residents.
Most people, or at least many people, who live in Phoenix, Arizona do not drink water from the faucet. It is disgusting.
Who sprays weed killer on their lawn so it looks pretty and then lets their kids play on it?
How long was China sending us toys with lead paint on them before we caught on? Where are all those toys now?
Have you ever been to Red Rocks and looked at the city of Denver skyline? Maybe that day the brown cloud was there. It is bizarre, a visible cloud of pollution literally hangs over the city.
Don't get me started on the people for whom a daily trip to McDonalds is mandatory. And that is not to get a salad. You are still free to rot yourself by coating your veins with progressive layers of fat.

We ingest pollution every single day. We don't know where it comes from. We don't know who did it.
But we can see a smoker smoking. So do something about the one something we delusionally think we have control over instead of the really hard stuff no one seems to be able to figure out. Besides, to clean up the hard stuff, well, that would have to involve a lawsuit. Then you need lawyers. And decades.

too much tv?

Genea: (sing songie voice) "Pee Bee eS kids"

Teena: "dot org"

It could be a case of too much tv, but they were playing outside when this exchange happened.

They have both learned far more from PBS than from me anyway.

One show is too many. A thousand, never enough.