This is not a post about earwigs. This is a post about hair. But first, I am going to discuss earwigs.
Does everyone know what an earwig is? It is a bug. I would post a picture but the last time I did something like that I was reamed 5 ways from Sunday (I don't actually know what that means) and people had so many tantrums, there were actual hissy fits left in my comments. You would think I had massacred tiny kittens by the reaction of some folks! So here is a link to the all knowing source of all knowledge, Wikipedia. Now you have choices.
Nasty ugly bugs can be seen and defined super exhaustively here.
They look like a cockroach with pinchers. Yes, pinchers. They are known to crawl in a person's ear and lay eggs on your brain. Alternately, they may eat your brain or snip all your neurological pathways apart with their pinchers. Wikipedia, and a few other sources, say that is not true but I think it is. Why else would they carry the equivalent of kitchen tongs around on their butts? Hmmm?
I am not a person known for a love of insects. Mostly, you have to have 2 legs if I am going to put up with you (even then, you know, it can be questionable). 4-legged things that are cute and furry and can take care of themselves more than half the time will be considered. For a brief time ants did not bother me. They went and put out that lovely movie about themselves called "Ants", so that was nice. Then, they pulled out all the sand from under my driveway and patio and since then I..... well, I'm not going to say what I have done to them but suffice to say we are at war.
This summer has been incredibly wet. Green Bay blew out the average rainfall for the entire summer before the month of June was over. Wet, rainy and hot. This apparently is the exact condition that earwigs love for a vacation. They have come from all over the nation to relax and have pina colada's in our yard waste, under rocks, and in the kids swing set. Their parties got a little crazy and now there are billions of earwigs living here in town! Word got out about the fun to be had here I guess. Maybe earwigs are Packer fans. I just don't get it myself. Anyway, they thought if the atmosphere was so nice outside it must be fabulous on the inside. And inside they came.
These earwigs have been roaming inside my house for months now. They get in damp rags, towels, under dishes on the counter, in any place they like. They especially love the bathroom. All those delightful dark, damp places. Wheeeee! I have to shake out my towels and my bathrobe before I take a shower. I have to knock things around to be sure there is not an earwig hiding under my glasses. I found one last week sitting on the toilet seat, waving its pincher's at me! Or maybe it was giving me the finger. I have to even move the shampoo bottles around in the shower just to be sure nothing is going to jump out at me in there. I just have an aversion to bugs with pincher's while I am naked. Call me uptight.
So anyway, I was taking a shower the other day. I do that. Shower. I got some of my favorite grossly overpriced shower gel recently as a gift, and it doubles as shampoo. Mmmm, it smells so pretty! It's the good kind because the scent doesn't hang on you all day. You don't walk around smelling like a fruit salad or gardenias. It smells its pretty smell and when you rinse it off it leaves with just a hint of scent. Actually I can't smell it at all later but the label says it will linger with a hint so I believe it. I was done in the shower and had retrieved my towel and as I was taking care of business, all of a sudden I fuh- REAK-ed out because there was a huge-ass kitchen-tong- toting earwig on my back shoulder!!!!!!! Right by my head!! And my EAR!!!!
Well, thankfully it turned out to be a long clump of hair instead. But it could have been an earwig And I was as freaked out as if it had been. Which in my mind warrants an extra long blog post. About hair.
And THAT is why I need an Oprah Makeover.