Tuesday, August 24, 2010

This is not about earwigs.

This is not a post about earwigs. This is a post about hair. But first, I am going to discuss earwigs.

Does everyone know what an earwig is? It is a bug. I would post a picture but the last time I did something like that I was reamed 5 ways from Sunday (I don't actually know what that means) and people had so many tantrums, there were actual hissy fits left in my comments. You would think I had massacred tiny kittens by the reaction of some folks! So here is a link to the all knowing source of all knowledge, Wikipedia. Now you have choices.

Nasty ugly bugs can be seen and defined super exhaustively here.

They look like a cockroach with pinchers. Yes, pinchers. They are known to crawl in a person's ear and lay eggs on your brain. Alternately, they may eat your brain or snip all your neurological pathways apart with their pinchers. Wikipedia, and a few other sources, say that is not true but I think it is. Why else would they carry the equivalent of kitchen tongs around on their butts? Hmmm?

I am not a person known for a love of insects. Mostly, you have to have 2 legs if I am going to put up with you (even then, you know, it can be questionable). 4-legged things that are cute and furry and can take care of themselves more than half the time will be considered. For a brief time ants did not bother me. They went and put out that lovely movie about themselves called "Ants", so that was nice. Then, they pulled out all the sand from under my driveway and patio and since then I..... well, I'm not going to say what I have done to them but suffice to say we are at war.

This summer has been incredibly wet. Green Bay blew out the average rainfall for the entire summer before the month of June was over. Wet, rainy and hot. This apparently is the exact condition that earwigs love for a vacation. They have come from all over the nation to relax and have pina colada's in our yard waste, under rocks, and in the kids swing set. Their parties got a little crazy and now there are billions of earwigs living here in town! Word got out about the fun to be had here I guess. Maybe earwigs are Packer fans. I just don't get it myself. Anyway, they thought if the atmosphere was so nice outside it must be fabulous on the inside. And inside they came.

These earwigs have been roaming inside my house for months now. They get in damp rags, towels, under dishes on the counter, in any place they like. They especially love the bathroom. All those delightful dark, damp places. Wheeeee! I have to shake out my towels and my bathrobe before I take a shower. I have to knock things around to be sure there is not an earwig hiding under my glasses. I found one last week sitting on the toilet seat, waving its pincher's at me! Or maybe it was giving me the finger. I have to even move the shampoo bottles around in the shower just to be sure nothing is going to jump out at me in there. I just have an aversion to bugs with pincher's while I am naked. Call me uptight.

So anyway, I was taking a shower the other day. I do that. Shower. I got some of my favorite grossly overpriced shower gel recently as a gift, and it doubles as shampoo. Mmmm, it smells so pretty! It's the good kind because the scent doesn't hang on you all day. You don't walk around smelling like a fruit salad or gardenias. It smells its pretty smell and when you rinse it off it leaves with just a hint of scent. Actually I can't smell it at all later but the label says it will linger with a hint so I believe it. I was done in the shower and had retrieved my towel and as I was taking care of business, all of a sudden I fuh- REAK-ed out because there was a huge-ass  kitchen-tong- toting earwig on my back shoulder!!!!!!! Right by my head!! And my EAR!!!!

Well, thankfully it turned out to be a long clump of hair instead. But it could have been an earwig  And I was as freaked out as if it had been. Which in my mind warrants an extra long blog post. About hair.

And THAT is why I need an Oprah Makeover.

20 comments:

  1. Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one with an earwig problem. They are all over this house... nasty!

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  2. they are every where here as well and I am convinced that the little buggers multiple like rabbits.

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  3. I never clicked on the link to pictures and info about the nasty earwig, can't stomach it! So glad it just ended up being hair because I was ready to snap into some kind of action, allbeit after the fact. But still I was ready - can of bug spray and shoe for smacking were in hand have no doubts!

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  4. Oh, honey, your post brings back my own PTSD. I hate earwigs. Nasty things used to reside in our apartment in Oak Creek WI. But never did I know there was something worse (well, worse in our Northerness of States around here), when we moved to MN our basement apartment was infected with centipedes. NASTY. Your hair clump? Well, I thought there was a hair clump on the side of the shower, I went to get it to throw in the toilet ... it moved. It was a d*mned centipede!!! I couldn't wait to find a new place to live. They were everywhere...in the soap dish, in my towels, in my husband's change jar, everywhere you might stick your hand....ewwwww!!!

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  5. GAAAAAAAAAAH!

    We had a maggot infestation on Sunday. So I'm afraid my creepy animal quota is all used up for this week. You just took me over the limint.

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  6. HAHAHAHAHA!

    Girl, I have met you. (Yes, I'm bragging, for all of the Unfortunates who have not had the pleasure.) Many people in this world need a makeover (Oprah or otherwise.) You are already fantabulous.

    xoxo

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  7. ok, that's just gross! I'll keep our black widows and scorpions, thankyouverymuch!

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  8. Yeah, earwigs suck. They live in our grape vines...so if I want some grapes, I MAKE the children pick them and soak them in buckets before coming into the house...to drown all those little SOBs.

    My stepdaughter is afraid of ants. Terrified. That movie? Like the "Shining" to her...really.

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  9. I have NEVER seen a live earwig, but this is the second post I've read this week about them. We have those house millipedes occasionally, but the big fear around here is bedbugs. Cincinnati it supposedly the "bedbug capital" of the US. It makes me sooo paranoid. I haven't been to the movies in months, and much to my husbands joy, I've stopped going to thrift stores as much.

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  10. COREY LOUISE WATERS DON'T YOU DARE TELL THAT TO OPRAH! Now I know you are trying to be nice, but Oprah might actually believe you!

    Ok, I had no idea MN had a centipede problem- ICK!!!! Those are nasty! See, again with the legs! Although, do maggots have legs? Hmmm. Okay, if you have no legs, or more than 4 you are out.

    Lainie, I have lived vaguely where you have lived and you can have your scorpions and black widows, AND your creepy little lizards too. AND your tarantula's!

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  11. Ok - I am commenting on this post without having actually read it. I skimmed and saw the word earwig twice and stopped right there. That's how much I am completely skeeved out by earwigs. I'm tolerant of most of the insect world - but NOT earwigs. Blech-ewww-eeek! I'm going to work my nerve up to read it, though it may take several visits to read the entire post. Wish me luck.

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  12. MDTT it gets better, I swear! There is a good ending! Keep going- try again!

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  13. Every word that Essie has printed about our town's earwig infestation is the truth. It is HORRIBLE! Those things freak the sh*t out of me, and they are everywhere.

    You do not need an Oprah makeover, or any makeover, for that matter. I agree with Corey. However, if you want me to, I can submit you to Fox 11 Monday Morning Mommy Makeovers. You go to some salon at 4:30 am and without makeup and in a bathrobe you will be transformed in front of everyone in the metro area. :)

    I'd do that for you, you know. And I'd even watch all 3 hours :)
    Sarah

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  14. Dear Oprah,
    Sarah doesn't mean it either.

    Dear Sarah,
    That dude creeps me out, the guy that does most of the makeovers. Also, he is not Oprah.

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  15. We have earwigs here in Iowa too - unfortunately your problem this year is our problem EVERY YEAR! They are dis - gust - ing! Those with weak tummies may want to stop here. I keep a glass of water by my bed at night - this morning when I woke up I grabbed my water and took a sip. Oh yeah you guessed - spit my water all over the bedroom. I only wish it was hair!

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  16. Oh, that would freak me out too!! We used to live right by a sewer line, and got these HUGE water roaches...HORRIBLE! A few times they jumped on us in our sleep....my hubby still has a phobia from that!

    I have created a new blog with a different profile, so everything is different, but it is still me, Maury.

    my new blog is www.cmnlrzc.blogspot.com

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  17. Aaah... all the bug horrors in the comments!!!:(:(
    Earwigs!!! I was so freaked out as a small kid about earwigs crawling into my ears at night that I for ages used to wear one of those hats that cover your ears to bed every night!!! Think my oder sister told me that they crawl into your ears and make you deaf....don't know why she thought she was exempt but I never saw her with any hat:(((

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  18. I love this post. Apparently earwigs have taken over all of Wisconsin. I am generally laid back about these things, but sharing the refrigerator? No deal.

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  19. Does Kim really think that watching three hours of Essie getting a make-over would be disgusting? I'm surprised she'd be so bold as to say so.

    I take baths on the second floor to avoid just such alarming incidents in the basement bathroom shower. That, and being ax-murdered because at night I always think ax murderers are hiding down there. And, the boys use that bathroom.

    You are the funniest writer. If you don't win an Oprah makeover with that essay, she [or whomever] has no sense of humor.

    But, the problem with make-overs, anyway, is that often people look worse. They don't look as nice as they did, and also, I doubt they can keep it up - then they REALLY look worse.

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