Thursday, August 12, 2010

Oh yeah! Oops!

See, I wrote the whole post (see previous post) about feeling sorry for myself over not going to New York City with (most of) the rest of the female people on the planet late on a Saturday. Then, I packed up myself and the girls and went to visit family in The South of Wisconsin. One might assume that proximity to Milwaukee and Chicago would assure a person access to things like technology and other such new-fangled crap. Unfortunately my parents insist on living in the Blair Witch Project and as we all know, there were huge problems there. Ha YOUUUUUge problems, and no internet. Although I knew that, I had not considered that people might want to know the answers to the true or false list of fun things I was doing in place of not going to the big fancy BlogHer party! I got distracted by the 74 hours of driving, the 179 hours Teena spent talking, and the 171 hours Genea spent trying to control everything when no one else was looking which made me sound shrill as shit. So, here it is.

I took a nap. I was poked no less than 4 times by bratty children who had been watching a Care Bears movie for the 89th time this week. One time I was poked because one of them had poked the other and the first one was tattling.
YES! I let the little demon's watch that swill and they pay me back by periodically poking me to tattle on each other. All that crap about sharing and caring makes me want to scream and it didn't even work. The TV is meant for baby sitting children. Where did I go wrong?

I smoked a few cigarettes. They were disgusting and yummy at the same time. 
Mmmm, oh yeah, I did it. I don't smoke anymore but sometimes you just gotta' say, WTF. 

I tried to find a way to get vodka into a juice box. I have been so far unsuccessful. However, I found that sucking the vodka straight from the bottle is just as efficient. Probably more so.
Sadly I just cannot get really toasted with these children living here since they require all my powers of observation be on them and focused at all times. I have not actually tried to get vodka into a juice box but I think it is a brilliant idea that would not require too much effort. Maybe a super tiny funnel or one of those great syringe things for liquid medicine.

I wore a fancy new dress "donated" to me by a super fancy dress designer in the hopes that I would wear it and describe it on my blog. I wore it to do laundry, specifically pee laundry. There. I described it.
 Grrr. No one donated anything to me. No one ever wants me to write about their crap on my blog. I was reading a post where the author was going to receive practically a whole wardrobe from donors to wear to the Big Parties. She had posted 3 pics of the dresses she was hoping a designer was going to send her to wear, and I started to seethe. That's right, seethe. With jealousy. I don't have a lot of jealousy and I rarely seethe so it was memorable. I did do a mountain of pee laundry though.

I turned the lights down at dinner to pretend we were at some super fancy NYC restaurant paying a billion dollars for our tap water. But the kids bitched that they couldn't see what food they were complaining about so I turned the lights back on.
I drink a lot of water and my kids complain about their food a lot, but I kept the lights on and did not try to pretend anything had a real or even perceived value.

I demanded The Husband drive and let me sit in the back so I could pretend I was in a taxi. He let me call him "Driver".
*snort* Not true, but the idea makes me giggle every time I think about it. I might still do it though since it sounds like fun.  Maybe I'll get him one of those hats too.

There you go! I should probably start saving for next years conference now. With my luck it will be in Idaho or something. (No offense to Idaho really! Just seems like it would not be too much better than where I am already!)


  1. I was right about the nap.

    Don't get at all hopeful about the nap situation improving either - like thinking that "they'll get older, and then I can take naps".

    Let's just say that at 11, 12, 15 and 16 there is NO HOPE for a nap - even when they all knew I was up all night working myself to death to buy them stuff. Nope; not even then. Sergei IS willing to stand in the doorway of my bedroom and yell at everyone for waking me, though. (Whispering for them to leave me alone doesn't occur to him.) Ilya and Zhen both take these opportunities to curl up by me and in the guise of "snuggling" try to get a back rub. (Can you turn away snugglers even when you feel you are nearly dead from sleep deprivation? No.) And then there is Nastya, who seems to believe that taking a nap is a sort of abandonment. I guess it is. She gets mad at me and storms in "What are you doing, Mother!!!???"

  2. Hehe. I didn't go either. I wish I had only because the people around here are already back to making me want to pull my own hair out

    Nobody ever sends me stuff to try to give away either. I think it's the dirty language I use, but I can't say for sure. Maybe someday, someone will give me a free tattoo to review. A girl can dream.

  3. You crack me up! I heard it is in San Diego next year :)

  4. Well, there goes my hope for finding the way to get the vodka into the juice were going to be my hero.

    Maybe since you had so much pee laundry, a soap company should sponsor you.

  5. Hey Love. You can totally share a room with me in San Diego next year. We can be some of the only "normal" people there who are not sponsored by big corporations! Woo Hoo!

  6. Ok I wont say that No one sends me stuff to review.. but I have done very few reviews.. and never for clothes.. Dang I want free clothes bc I'm way too cheap.. er, frugal.. to buy myself new ones.. Maybe we should team up on some clothing companies to send us stuff?!Lol!

  7. I knew you didn't have candles at dinner or drank Vodka from a juice box because you are a responsible, intelligent mommy. I tried candles recently, sneezed which caused me to close my eyes for one second and the kids were burning the house down. I'm sure I would accidentally send the Vodka boxes to school in the lunch boxes and be arrested for child endangerment.

  8. I recently traveled to Wisconsin and Illinois. I think my mother also lives in the Blair Witch Project...since I know she has no computer, I can safely say that I sometimes secretly think she is the Blair Witch (wink). Green Bay was slightly more civilized until we left the city for the woods. Spending three days at Scout Lake with 14 people in a single-wide trailer fondly called "the cabin" was an experience I won't soon forget. Wall-to-wall air mattresses, mosquitoes large enough to carry away offspring, and the humidity. The worst was no technology...didn't bother me, but my brothers-in-laws spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get access and drove me nuts as they left the kids with me -- all 8 of them. Talk about sounding shrill? Yikes. Anyway...glad you are back! (Even gladder that I am!)

  9. I would love for you to write about my stuff--it would be so much more interesting. Unfortunately, the only thing I have to donate to you is pee and I see that you have enough of that already, so, sadly, I'll be keeping it here until Bubba decides we've all seen it and are sufficiently impressed so that he can STOP IT.

  10. I would love a tatoo company to sponsor us- we should contact that reality show shop!

    A soap company is a brilliant idea. Thanks, I don't need anymore pee. With school starting the nervous-pee is flowing everywhere. A clothes company would be great- maybe clothes that repell pee. I am single minded here.

    Ericka I don't know what possessed you to do that! Yikes!!! But worse, I can't believe you were here and didn't tell me- next time we will meet up.

    Okay, San Diego I can TOTALLY do!

  11. Um, Essie? I think I gotta tell you to be careful what you wish for. Or to be more careful with the potty-mouth while making wishes. (Hint: you say no one ever wants you to write about their ____).

    Makes me think of pranksters leaving a bag of it on a doorstep, lighting it on fire and ringing the doorbell : )

  12. LMAO STS! You think that might be part of my problem? LOL, I think I have already received plenty of shit to write about I just prefer not too..... HA!!!

    My bad, I used to spend 2-3 hours on a post including proof reading for just that kind of thing. Now it's down to 1-1 1/2.

    You know though, there are services that will send dog doo in the mail to the recipient of your choice. I had dreams of doing that for a former co-worker and of course Mr. Ass!

  13. now this is hysterical and yes i do mountains of pee laundry. but, i think boy pee laundry must smell worse than girl pee laundry...although i do girl pee laundry

  14. This completely cracked me up. I think you should do the "driver" thing with your husband, and YES, buy the hat. Maybe you should bring along of a jar of "Grey Poupon" just for extra giggles.


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