Monday, January 26, 2009

Yoga again


I went back last week, to my yoga class, and I have another one (pre-paid) coming up. I have decided I like it quite a bit more. I did some practicing at home with a new DVD and with Teena who was kind enough to point out to me, twice, when I was not doing ''the movement like on the tv''. I also discovered accessories come with yoga!!! And to top it all off, I can knit a bag to carry my new little mat in! (no way was I going back to the park district mats everyone else stood on with their disgusting ugly naked feet). Knitting and accessories, woo hoo! Seriously, add in a Starbucks or a bar and I could live in yoga world!


(mat bag still needs a strap and blocking to flatten and even the stitches but not too bad from no pattern)
(If nothing else, the yoga supplies will be able to keep the step aerobic stuff company in my garage where I am going to park my minivan too, if I become anymore of a sahm stereotype).

It occurs to me that I might be able to make some improvements on this yoga business. I mean, if it is thousands of years old, maybe it is time for some pop culture updates. There are a few things that don't make sense to me. They don't, we'll say gel, with my knowledge base and the visual input of the (alleged) physical action. So I will be thinking of some of the poses in better descriptive terms. Giving Birth, that one is obvious. Then, The Dreaded Yearly Exam. Teenagers Having Sex, that's another one. Anything with warrior or hovering in its name can just be referred to as The Drank Too Much because I am wobbling with convulsive muscle spasms and still trying to stay up. Laying on your face and kicking feet and hands for a locust pose, I will call the Don't Take Xanax When You're Drunk.


It does have its positives, truly it does. I have discovered that the Other Accidental Mommy (Sasha) was right, it does get easier and can actually be pleasant and relaxing in a way. It really helps if the student gets off her royal ass more often than twice a month and puts some effort into it.

There is just one thing. Yoga requires a lot of boring hanging around. Pose and...... and...... and..... nothing... keep holding and.......and.....and..... shift. My brain does not hold well. Stuff bounces around like racquetballs are in there. My brain does not pose and it does not hold. It does not relax or calm without sedatives. It might get better with some more ritalin, but that might also make the wobbly drunk effect worse. So, to occupy it in there, I mentally compete with the others in the class. Come on, I can't be the only one. Since I would just about always come in, well, can we just say not the top, in any real competition, in my head I can look around and pull out little victories for myself that deserve a trophy. See, that used car salesman did not lurch as far as I did on the lurch move. Might be too worried about his comb- over flopping. Whoops- granola lady is using her arm to balance, that's cheating, I may be wobbling like a Weeble with muscles frantically quivering not in a good way on this one, but I am not cheating! Bring on my trophies!
(uh, no need to engrave my accomplishments, I will remember and just tell folks myself thanks just get my name right).
There is one move that I excel in. I kick ass, literally, all over the room. All over the park district for that matter. I might even call up the Packers coach and offer up some assistance. I could kick ass all over the NFL too. This move is like a squat sort of. Perky Instructor calls it chair, sitting on a chair without a chair so this is one that already has a good name but what the hell. My improved name for it is, Using A Public Toilet. You know, where you suspend yourself in the air about 4 inches from touching anything while you pee. So here is a truth. A truth that I will only be sharing with the Internet People of the Air. If you know me in Real Life as a Person of the Floor, do NOT expect to have a chatty little coffee clutch with me on this subject (both of you).

I hold my stress in my butt.
A stressor or an irritant comes along and before I even notice, I am hauling 2 big round rocks behind me (yes I said round and I am sticking with it, you don't know you can't see me). As the kids start to fire it up, or The Husband hasn't answered me 3 times in a row then asks me the question, or the damn cat puked again, I can feel the cheeks start to pull and tighten. On a really bad day you could balance a potato chip back there. I know, many people hold their tension in their shoulders. Or the neck, or across the back. A lot of people get stomach aches or head aches. I get most of that too, it just starts in the butt. So when the time comes to sit in a chair that is not there, I want to order a pina colada cuz this here is my pose and I can hang here all night!
So I have hopes for all this. The getting out of the house part rocks. Not so much on the talking to other non-short people, but I can be happy entertaining myself alone in my brain (scared are ya'?).


A short diversion...
Oh yeah, this is the cutest picture ever! Seriously!

12 comments:

  1. Your descriptions of the poses with their new names...spot on. Love it! I was laughing out loud and trying to pretend I was coughing because, you know, it is not like I am at work or anything.

    Cute picture.

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  2. ROTF. Seriously.

    I was just about to leave a comment that I was patiently awaiting my entertainment when out of the blue you delivered!

    Yay me!

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  3. P.S. The wii fit arrived last week. It has yoga on it. Will let you know how it goes if I ever take it out of the box. ;-{

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  4. P.S. The wii fit arrived last week. It has yoga on it. Will let you know how it goes if I ever take it out of the box. ;-{

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  5. Anyone who can rename a yoga pose with a toilet reference is a hero. Glad you stopped by my blog; you and your round, hard tension-holding butt crack me up!

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  6. God, I love crazy people. And you, my dear, are insane. Fabulous post!

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  7. I found you through Sugar and Spice, and you are cracking me up!!

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  8. Yoga in real life? Hmmm...not so much. Wii fit yoga is about all I can handle. In the privacy of my own home. It tells me I have great balance and strength. Ah...if it only knew me, the electronic fool that it is. ;)

    LOVE the picture! Very sweet. Oh, and the CANDY CORN PANTS! Katrina got these probably in late Sept. and although she KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that Halloween has long past, she insists that she has to wear them to school because her teacher LOVES candy corn (almost as much as she does!) and she'd be disappointed if Katrina stops wearing them. They're slowly getting short on her, and the butt's wearing thin. Soon they can be pajama pants and she can enjoy them in the privacy of our own home. While doing yoga. ;)

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  9. Crazy is an opinion. Insane, now that I like. Implies the opportunity for some state sponsered rest might be coming.

    The candy corn pants are ahem, from 2 halloweens ago. And yeah, they show it. She came out in them that morning and I went um...... oh what the hell.

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  10. Have you ever tried doing yoga with your kids? We have the Yoga Kids videos from Gaiam, they are for ages
    3 to 6. I think I started with these before my daughter was 3. Later on, we found a free Yoga for Preschoolers class at our local libary. Now, we've moved on to "Family Yoga", which is preschoolers, grade schoolers, and parents. Sometimes, I actually get to do Yoga, more often I am dealing with my daughter's need for attention (she is very athletic, andcan do the stuff better than I can, but she does stuff to get attention).

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  11. Yup, actually I do it with Teena! I bought a dvd from Target, Gaim, a nice calm one called Morning Yoga- something. She gets so excited, she dresses up in her ballerina clothes and seriously does it with me. She does it well too! Although she told me I looked like a penguin lol. Haven't tried with Genea yet, hmmm, we'll see how it goes. Worth a shot.

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