Yoga again

I went back last week, to my yoga class, and I have another one (pre-paid) coming up. I have decided I like it quite a bit more. I did some practicing at home with a new DVD and with Teena who was kind enough to point out to me, twice, when I was not doing ''the movement like on the tv''. I also discovered accessories come with yoga!!! And to top it all off, I can knit a bag to carry my new little mat in! (no way was I going back to the park district mats everyone else stood on with their disgusting ugly naked feet). Knitting and accessories, woo hoo! Seriously, add in a Starbucks or a bar and I could live in yoga world!

(mat bag still needs a strap and blocking to flatten and even the stitches but not too bad from no pattern)

(If nothing else, the yoga supplies will be able to keep the step aerobic stuff company in my garage where I am going to park my minivan too, if I become anymore of a sahm stereotype).

It occurs to me that I might be able to make some improvements on this yoga business. I mean, if it is thousands of years old, maybe it is time for some pop culture updates. There are a few things that don't make sense to me. They don't, we'll say gel, with my knowledge base and the visual input of the (alleged) physical action. So I will be thinking of some of the poses in better descriptive terms. Giving Birth, that one is obvious. Then, The Dreaded Yearly Exam. Teenagers Having Sex, that's another one. Anything with warrior or hovering in its name can just be referred to as The Drank Too Much because I am wobbling with convulsive muscle spasms and still trying to stay up. Laying on your face and kicking feet and hands for a locust pose, I will call the Don't Take Xanax When You're Drunk.

It does have its positives, truly it does. I have discovered that the Other Accidental Mommy (Sasha) was right, it does get easier and can actually be pleasant and relaxing in a way. It really helps if the student gets off her royal ass more often than twice a month and puts some effort into it.

There is just one thing. Yoga requires a lot of boring hanging around. Pose and...... and...... and..... nothing... keep holding and.......and.....and..... shift. My brain does not hold well. Stuff bounces around like racquetballs are in there. My brain does not pose and it does not hold. It does not relax or calm without sedatives. It might get better with some more ritalin, but that might also make the wobbly drunk effect worse. So, to occupy it in there, I mentally compete with the others in the class. Come on, I can't be the only one. Since I would just about always come in, well, can we just say not the top, in any real competition, in my head I can look around and pull out little victories for myself that deserve a trophy. See, that used car salesman did not lurch as far as I did on the lurch move. Might be too worried about his comb- over flopping. Whoops- granola lady is using her arm to balance, that's cheating, I may be wobbling like a Weeble with muscles frantically quivering not in a good way on this one, but I am not cheating! Bring on my trophies!

(uh, no need to engrave my accomplishments, I will remember and just tell folks myself thanks just get my name right).

There is one move that I excel in. I kick ass, literally, all over the room. All over the park district for that matter. I might even call up the Packers coach and offer up some assistance. I could kick ass all over the NFL too. This move is like a squat sort of. Perky Instructor calls it chair, sitting on a chair without a chair so this is one that already has a good name but what the hell. My improved name for it is, Using A Public Toilet. You know, where you suspend yourself in the air about 4 inches from touching anything while you pee. So here is a truth. A truth that I will only be sharing with the Internet People of the Air. If you know me in Real Life as a Person of the Floor, do NOT expect to have a chatty little coffee clutch with me on this subject (both of you).

I hold my stress in my butt.

A stressor or an irritant comes along and before I even notice, I am hauling 2 big round rocks behind me (yes I said round and I am sticking with it, you don't know you can't see me). As the kids start to fire it up, or The Husband hasn't answered me 3 times in a row then asks me the question, or the damn cat puked again, I can feel the cheeks start to pull and tighten. On a really bad day you could balance a potato chip back there. I know, many people hold their tension in their shoulders. Or the neck, or across the back. A lot of people get stomach aches or head aches. I get most of that too, it just starts in the butt. So when the time comes to sit in a chair that is not there, I want to order a pina colada cuz this here is my pose and I can hang here all night!

So I have hopes for all this. The getting out of the house part rocks. Not so much on the talking to other non-short people, but I can be happy entertaining myself alone in my brain (scared are ya'?).

A short diversion...

Oh yeah, this is the cutest picture ever! Seriously!