Monday, December 22, 2008

Return of....

It is that time of year again. That lovely time where sleigh bells jingle and chestnuts roast over open fires. Families travel far and wide to gather and share the joy of being together. Mostly they share the joy. And every family has one or two branches on the family tree that seem to be a little droopy, or even cranked in the wrong direction. On my side of the family, well lets just say there are a few sticks that are weighed down and sagging in the ground rotting in the dirt.

At Thanksgiving this year, Cousin Payola, his 2 kids and wife attended. This is significant because you have to pick, either him or his sister, big time choosing to be done on all these holidays, and for Thanksgiving he got the nod. Being as he is a crazy person, he thought it would be appropriate to tell Viagra jokes. At dinner. At dinner and to my grandmother. My 87 year old grandmother who just got remarried 3 years ago (to a Mexican man, relevance to come later). Who, I can only assume, are NOT in a position to think Viagra jokes are funny (although my brain is contracting into violent seizures with the thoughts trying to break free into my consciousness right now so I cannot take this any further). Cousin Payola also thought it might be charming of him to tell some racist jokes about the White House. Sigh. Then started in with some horrifying jokes about himself and a rabbit at which point I started screaming " FILTERRRRR!!!! FILLLLTERRRR!!!" The Husband started hollering something about "Watership Down" and things just sort of went blank after that.

ANYway, so his sister, Cousin Uni-Bitch, got the nod for Christmas. She and I used to be close, until one day she turned on me in a fit of jealous, passive, rage, and was actually successful in taking me out. As the gentle reader might imagine, terms like subtle or quietly reflective or shy and delicate are not used to describe me. So you have to know, that for her to take me out, what she said had to be really really bad. Now she and her brother, Cousin Payola do not speak. There are 3 siblings on that particular stick on our family tree, and none of them speak to each other for a variety of reasons (some of which are amazing and bizarre, but must save some stories for later). Blessedly, the 3rd sibling has the sense to live far far away. So I manage to avoid Cousin Uni-Bitch most of the year but seem to keep getting stuck with her at Christmas. And what is extra funny, is that I don't think she even realizes how vicious I find her. If you asked her what she said, she would be surprised that she even said anything, let alone remember it (which sort of screams borderline personality disorder freak show to me, but I am not an expert).

(snort snort, she gained so much weight last year, that I thought she was pregnant I honestly did, it was only because I try not to talk to her at all that I didn't say congratulations or something how would that have been snort snort) AND I will deny saying any of this if cornered!!!!

But anyway, I try to keep my thoughts happy and pure and positive at this time of year, to celebrate the season and all. My little girls are going to spend the next few days in hyper- overdrive manners training using my favorite Bribe and Threaten Parenting method here at home, then we go to my sisters for the day. This sister (HI probably reading)is married to the Only Human to Come Close to Outlasting My Children when playing. So we are happy to see HIM! The girls will get to play with their little cousins who they loooooove. Hmmm, I have been asked not to bring anything, which is just occurring to me, seems strange. Ah well.


  1. Family of origin can cause a serious Christmas Crazy Train collision. Stay in the caboose and enjoy the show.
    Can't wait for the play by play!

  2. So funny! Pretty sure that my family is that low hanging branch LOL

  3. Seriously! Half the fun of the holidays is watching to see who can keep up the fake happy-happy business, and who can't. This year, I have been practising!


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