Dear Oprah, I am Waiting

I am trying to wait patiently but quite frankly Oprah, we are both running out of time. I want audience tickets. And a makeover. I wanted to state my intentions in the beginning because I know you are busy. In case you want to just take care of it.

Oprah, I have read about half of your book club selections.
I have visited the outside of your home to within a half a mile. You didn't invite me in. I waved though.
I have been watching for 25 years.  Mostly.

(although you should know, I have had basically the same hair style that whole time and could really benefit from a makeover. I assure you the audience would say "ooooooh" like never before- think of the ratings!)

I read your magazine and wish I could have all the pretty stuff!
I have cheered and sobbed with the Angel Network. 
I have applied approximately 130 times for audience tickets, including 2 more yesterday. Still waiting on those- thinking positive!

As to upcoming shows, here is my list of excuses as to why I have not applied specifically. I try to be an honest and truthful person and could not live with myself if I applied under false pretenses.

• I am sorry, so very sorry, that I have never had gross sex with a man I met online like a tramp-ola. Should I really be penalized for that?

• I have not lost more than 100 pounds. Can I get credit for not gaining it either?

• I don't know any male fans, let alone ultimate male fans. That's not your fault, I just don't hang around with many males. Is that so bad? I am the ultimate female fan- you know, girl power and all!

• Chaz Bono's story really means nothing to me. I cannot fake an interest there. Sorry.

I am super pitiful- no really! PATHETIC! Our house is falling apart, something smells rancid in my laundry room, the yard looks like, well I don't even have a comparison. Maybe the Adams Family yard. Our newest car is 6 years old and the other 11. I am staying at home to "mom" when I'd rather be working but try finding a job right now that doesn't suck and would not cost me more than I would earn. Oh yeah, and I look like a train wreck. Severely!
(Please don't anyone chime in that it's not true, cuz it is and Oprah needs to know the facts!). (See evidence below).

I have 2 daughters, one who was adopted from a "disruption" situation by us about four years ago. We struggle mightily every day with basic stability. I keep a blog of our successes and not-successes so other people might learn, get ideas, or see what not to try. See? Altruistic!


Oprah, here's the thing. I know you are taping your last shows next month and we are out of time. If I don't make it to an audience seat, do you have any suggestions of how to spend the next 25 years? Should I transfer my *ahem* attentions to Rosie O'Donnell do you think? What should I do?

I think I'll call this one "Ope-ro-essie". I mean, that just flows, don't you think?

(right side of the photo courtesy of reuters)




P.S. I do have a suggestion for a new show- even though I don't get the OWN. That's the kind of generous I am since I would not even be able to watch it. Anyway, how about a real show about adoption? Like, the kind that shows parents sleeping in the dirt in Haiti and trying to get birth certificates out of a collapsed building. Or when the child has been so traumatized she can barely stop screaming to eat. Or the day to day functioning of a family with a mentally ill child. Or successfully parenting children from hard places. Or having to re-learn parenting to essentially doing the opposite of whatever instinct you might have. Adoption from foster care where the biological parents are still in contact and there are biological siblings living all over with different families. Lots, tons, of ideas there! Maybe you could have Rosie get in touch with me. I know she is moving into your Chicago building and I can get there in no time if I drive really fast.


Okay Oprah, I am waiting. Holding out hope, taking action and thinking "The Secret" thoughts.