Monday, September 6, 2010

Happy Labor Day (the story of MY labor) (part 1)

It occurred to me that I haven't told the story of MY labor. The one in which I produced a new human being just by lying on a table and screaming. Don't worry, I won't get into any grizzly details. Of course you will have to trust me on that, and let it be known that I am somewhat censor and filter impaired. Also, it was over 5 years ago and large chunks of my brain seem to have been shredded since then and I am not all that reliable anyway. This will be The Story of Teena since I have already told just about every detail in The Story of Genea.

Okay! I had been pregnant for about three years.  In my vast experience as a pregnant person, I decided that every day of pregnancy is the equivalent of 4 days of regular life. However, I was lucky because while I experienced many of the side effects of pregnancy for the most part everything was mild. So I was mildly nauseous for about a month but never had problems with vomiting. ( A side note, my sister has always had the raging pukes and worked in a dive-ish bar for 2 babies worth of pregnancies. There were no employee bathrooms and so she had to go and puke during her shift in the public, dive toilets with the drunks. Uhhhhuhuhuh, I still get shivers just thinking about it).

I had heard about the "nesting instinct" wherein the pregnant person does all sorts of obscure things towards the very end such as wildly scrubbing under the sink before the baby comes out. But see, babies don't look under sinks for a long time. Regardless, I thought that was such a silly idea! I mean come on, humans have come a long way from the days of squatting in a field and shooting out a baby while simultaneously picking  vegetables for dinner in the cave. We have evolved! Okay, so I was on day 7,898 of providing a womb for this person when I realized how hairy my legs were. Yikes. So I decided to wax them. At the sink. As I was ripping hair out of my flesh I thought about that silly nesting thing and giggled. Obviously that was not what had possessed me since anyone could see my legs were a super hairy priority. Because I was the size of a pick up truck and carrying what would probably be a 56 pound baby, I could only manage to get my leg up on the sink briefly before that damn gravity attacked. Unfortunately I discovered that after I had applied the hot wax to my legs. Washing the crap off and going about my day did not cross my mind, after all, my legs were hairy and everyone knows how important that is to me! Especially in the winter! So I moved myself to the top of the stairs and finished my agonizing project. Was I trying to foreshadow pain to myself? I'll never know.

The next day, a Monday, I went to work to finish out my last week. I cleaned my desk. I organized my supplies. I finished all my little projects and left notes for whoever needed a note. Then I sat and wondered to myself, Self? Why did you do all that? It was too early you see. It was still the month of an ugly birthstone that clashed with mine. It could not be time.

The following day I woke up at FIVE in the AM. Normally that would have made me mad. I am a sleep lover. I cherish and adore my sleep. However, my bed was wet. So I went and changed things off of myself and put a towel over the expanse of wetness and went back to sleep. I woke up again around 7 and realized I should probably tell The Husband that my water broke. He was asleep himself but I thought, well, he would probably want to know. Then I told him I wasn't having any labor pain and we might as well just go back to sleep. So, we did. Where did all this passive calm come from? Got no idea. I'm not that calm unloading the dishwasher.

Wow, this is going to be way too long. Click in next time for Part 2, "I Never Knew There Was  Pain Drugs Could Not Touch". But play along! Tell your own Labor Day story and link up! If your Labor Day revolved around meeting up with your Adoption Worker tell the story! If your Labor Day was in another country in a court where you did not speak the language- tell it!


  1. OH!!! This is KILLING ME!!!! I want to do this SOOOO badly! I even went so far as to open my blog to "New Post" - then reality grabbed me by the back of the neck and dashed me against the wall. It took that level of violence for me to remember that for some reason unknown to myself I volunteered to give about $10,000 worth of labor to my kids' school via teaching TWO courses for 7th and 8t graders, and for some crazy reason the principal wants SYLLABI for these courses...and if I am going to be doing any writing, it needs to be syllabi-writing, and maybe some lesson plan writing, and so say nothing about all the writing I need to do for my real, actual PAYING job.

    I hope I can sneak away some time after labor day to do this. All my labors were about five posts' worth each, though.

    Oh, and darn....I think I have to buy school supplies for three boys. Yipes.

  2. What a great story! I can't wait to read Part II.
    I actually had very easy pregnancies, aside from the Vomiting from Hell. I once vomited into a bin of corn on the cob in the produce aisle at the grocery store. Quite a few people saw me do it, too.
    I vomited in my husband's new car, canceling out the delightful New Car smell and replacing it with the not-delightful vomit smell. I vomited in a fancy restaurant where my friends and co-workers took me for a farewell luncheon. That one was a running vomit, as I had to struggle out of a seat way in the corner and get to the ladies' room on the far side of the restaurant while holding in the surge of undigested cold pear soup. I left a stream of upchucked cold pear soup, breadsticks and ginger ale in my wake as I waddled madly toward the rest room.
    I'll draw the curtain here but suffice it to say I had nine months of nausea.
    The only other remarkable thing about my pregnancy and the birth of my first child was how spiteful a woman whom I thought was a friend turned out to be. First she was angry that i didn't gain much weight.
    "You don't look pregnant," she used to grouse, adding cheerfully, "Maybe there's something wrong with the baby."
    After my son was born (with nothing wrong with him except for the screaming) she was mad that I didn't suffer more. I no longer consider her a friend after she screamed and ran to her car crying in rage when she saw that our new house was much nicer than hers.
    Please post Part II soon!

  3. Here is mine!
    Can't wait to read the next installment!

  4. see, i live in russia. it took me a while to figure out what inspired this post.


    happy LABOR day!

  5. That was, "Sheesh, Kate. How long have you been ex-pat?!!" and not a "Sheesh, Es, what an idea for a post."

    Obviously I needed today off and didn't get it.

  6. I dont have my own labor story...of that type anyway..just the boring everday office type. Not as interesting...but sometimes painful. Ok..often painful. Thanks for sharing part 1.

  7. You asked ...

  8. "Come on!" she yells "Where's part 2?" ha ha... I thought I would see how it feels to be demanding and obnoxious. Feels good. LOL!

  9. Greta idea for a post! Thanks for sharing!


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