peace signs are silly

Teena wants to know....... why do you need a sign to tell you to pee? That's silly, right Mama? People don't need a sign to tell them to pee, people already know to go pee. Right? Right Mama? Why is there a whole sign just for pee? That's just silly, right Mama? Silly.

Right Teena.

 
Get it? PEACE ! PEE- ce! Pee! It's a PEE SIGN!


Did you get a little snort out of that? A tiny giggle?

I am in this contest for the Top 25 Adoption Blogs and I was holding a place in the top 10, which was great. But now, I am getting a little upset because I have dropped to place number 11. Yes, that means I will still win in the contest, however I had hopes of doing better. See, I know that about 800-900 people have been here daily since the contest began and yet only about 50 people are taking less than 5 seconds to vote for me (to the 50.... MWAH! LUV U!!!). If that means I suck and I just don't know it, then by all means keep your clicky fingers still. Am I really William Hung and clueless?  I could really use the encouragement of votes in these last 2 days of the contest. It's over Tuesday at 5:00

Is this me?????

Click here, scroll down and click the thumbs up next to The Accidental Mommy. It will take you probably 5 seconds and only 3 clicks to get in, vote and get out.












AND I PROMISE I WON'T SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I don't think about

I've been thinking lately, what is it that I think about adoption these days? It's been four years since Genea first came into our home, that's half her life. Same home, same family. Same country, same food, same car. The reason I was thinking about it is because I realized, I don't think about it much anymore. I received this nomination as an adoption blogger (Circle of Moms Top 25 Adoption Blogs Click to vote!) and I thought to myself at first..... really? (I mean, it's way cool obviously, I think though that it jump started my thoughts). I'm happy to be an adoption blogger or a family blogger or a house of the wango tango blogger.

That is to say, I don't think of Genea as the child we adopted. She is my child. With brown bouncy curls and huge brown eyes. She is from Ukraine. She was adopted. She loves to listen to Disney music. I stopped thinking about myself as an adoption blogger, and more of a "Mommy blogger".  I talk about adoption here and there, but I rarely think of us as an "adoptive family" anymore. The adoption is something we did and now it is done. Now, we are just a regular boring family.

In the beginning, it's hard to think about anything else. You spend month's (years sometimes!) gathering and filling out papers. Every day there is something, even if it is just sending in the $3.00 for the local background check. Talking talking talking- oh the talking! Once you get through the process of telling your friends and family what you are doing, they are curious for updates and check in regularly. There is always some stupid little bit messing things up and so you are talking to adoption workers and whoever else you need to talk to to straighten things out. Everyone you know who ever knew someone who was adopted wants to tell you about it. There is a delay. Then another. And you panic and obsess and dream of the day of arrival. No matter how sweet or wonderful your adoption worker is, you also dream of the day they are out of your hair. For good. Mine were neither sweet nor wonderful so I had that dream a lot.

Then your child arrives! And woo hoo! That was the day our passive little withdrawn shell of a child turned into a raging ball of terror. Whoa! Now what! And people, friends and family are still calling and checking in all the time and so you are still absorbed in this whole thing as The Adoption. And I think, that's how it should be. It was a huge life altering event for us. For our immediate family, aunts and uncles, grandparents. Obviously for Genea, as well as the child who was already here.

Genea has issues around her adoption, to be sure, and those are subjects I think about a lot. But I see those more as things that have happened to her, that were caused by others. I wish desperately life had been different for her. Maybe that we had been to Ukraine and adopted her first. Or that she was never in an orphanage at all. I look at her when she is anxious or having a fit, and no matter what reason she gives, I can usually link her actions back to a fear related to her early life.

There are a lot of issues ahead of us as well. I have tried to think through how we will handle questions about birth moms and first moms and that question without answer.... "why?".  I will worry about those as they come up. Today, I have today to deal with.

I realize that our adoption of Genea was in fact another trauma in her life. So in a way, we caused that one. Fact is though, I may feel guilt about that later in my life but I cannot raise her and be a good mother to her and focus on that guilt. I have to keep that aside for another day.

I have a lot of opinions about adoption as an industry and most of those opinions are ugly. That's not really the point of this post anyway. I think that it surprised me when I thought about it, to realize that I really don't think about adoption anymore. I talk about it when I need to and that's that. Often, it doesn't occur to me to bring it up, even when it might help us navigate a situation. This is my little family, and we are quirky (to put a cute word on it, *ahem*) and we really are just us.



Now please, please please, go VOTE for The Accidental Mommy. It will take you just 3 clicks, and less than 10 seconds and I will be SO happy for WAY more than 10 seconds! Every day until next Tuesday!

Techno- Fail

Oops.

I had a brilliant moment a few months back. My daughters share a bedroom and of course they irritate the snot out of each other. I have them do a "quiet time" every day for an hour. Genea does her homework and Teena plays around, singing and hooting quietly to her toys. Since neither of them has any tolerance for the other, I picked up 2 really cheap CD players with headphones for them. That way, Teena doesn't disturb Genea when she is trying to work and Genea has hers too and listens to it when she is done. She loves having music around her. It makes her so happy and by bloody jingo, when she is happy I am happy!

Brilliant. Usually I race to brag about my one- in -a -million bright ideas. Hey, figure if I get everything wrong, eventually by accident I have to get something right! The CD players have been awesome. I bring them in the car, we have them all over the house. I never have to hear another Disney princess or singing Barbie as long as I live. Wonder of amazing wonders, the headphones fit in their leapster game players, and so now I don't have to listen to the incessant beeping and electronic voices going off either. Ahhhh............. hear that? It's the sound of nothing. Ahh.

So I decided recently to get Genea an MP3 player, since the CD players annihilate batteries like they are on an all you can eat buffet. Genea takes slightly better care of her stuff compared to Teena and even though she is clearly a "pre-hoarder", if it is something important to her she will be cautious and careful. The Husband and I both have a few i-toys and use that incredibly proprietary software with them. I really had no idea how this non-i product would work but I had confidence that if I just plugged it in the right things would eventually happen.

Key word..... eventually.

Hmmmm.

Lots of fiddling, cursing, and yelling "what does that mean?" later I had the new player loaded using a different music system on the computer. Not exactly sure how any of it worked. It would tell me  this or that couldn't be loaded, or sync'd or whatever and then when I clicked ok, it happened anyway. It told me that all I had to do was drag and drop songs onto a side section, and so I did that. I put a bunch of great music on there such as Greatest Choral Hits, and Classical Composer compilation CD's. Some ABBA and Norah Jones. A variety. Nothing sassy or violent. Nothing with overtones or undertones of Things Of Which We Shall Not Speak. Anything that might have had backwards messages coded in subliminally did not make the cut.

When Genea got home from school and we gave it to her, I thought her eyes might bounce right out of her head and roll across the floor. She was so excited I swear she was levitating. I showed her how to use it, sort of. Gave it to her, and there was a problem. I took it back and it was just the headphone cord loose. I went back to find her another song right quick and I noticed something.....

A whole load of my music collection has made it onto this new little non-i MP3 player. Shit. Shit!

Not only do I not know how that could have happened, I really don't know how I will get it off of there. I guess most of the music that transferred isn't so bad. I mean, it really does sound like Prince is singing about a Little Red Corvette and chances are good Genea won't even realize what a Corvette is.

It's that catchy little Cee- Lo song I am worried about. My version does not say "forget you". Yikes.



I ALMOST FORGOT TO ADD...............

DID YOU ENJOY THIS POST?

HAVE YOU ENJOYED OTHER POSTS?

PLEASE GO AND VOTE FOR THE ACCIDENTAL MOMMY
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I AM SLIPPING DANGEROUSLY !




1. Click link to go to Circle of Moms

2. Scroll down until you see "The Accidental Mommy" button

3. In the upper right corner of the box you will see a number and a thumbs up. Click the thumbs up to vote. If it turns gray your vote has registered.

4. Check out other blogs on the site too!

Hope You're Not Hungry

Seriously y'all, if you're hungry you're just gunna' have to find something else.

Thank your lucky stars that we have folks who care, like those considerate workers at the Scunci factory, who can warn us about these things. You can dream, you can imagine and you can create but you cannot cook a souffle out of these.

Other brands would just let us sit there, munching away on a plastic alligator clip, wondering why we feel so unfulfilled.

So if you are hungry, I guess you will just have to eat some other form of hair tie. If you get thirsty you can chase it down with lemonade made from your lemon scented dish soap. Might I suggest you add some tequila. And refrain from hallucinogens.


Who's looking out for you? Hmmmm? I think that's worth a vote, don't you?


Here is the quick and simple link:
You can vote one time a day RIGHT HERE. No signing up or tricky business. Just, click click click and you are done and I am  SO grateful and happy! Thanks again to Circle of Moms for the nomination!
1. Click link to go to Circle of Moms
2. Scroll down until you see "The Accidental Mommy" button
3. In the upper right corner of the box you will see a number and a thumbs up. Click the thumbs up to vote. If it turns gray your vote has registered.
4. Check out other blogs on the site too!

WHAT special needs?

I don't think there is any secret that Genea has special needs. Well, maybe it's a secret from her school since they don't want her on an IEP (Individual Education Plan, key to getting special education funding and services). My daughter has special needs, just as if she had dyslexia or Down's syndrome. You can't see her needs and it is difficult to test for her needs but rest assured they are there.

I have had several meetings with her school these past few years. Mostly we all talk and all agree that she needs extra, extra help. Her fantastic teachers have accommodated her so far, but since she is "unofficial", there is a limit to what they can do. We end the meetings with testing suggestions and I give them my lengthy list of diagnosis du jour, fully expecting that somewhere along the line we will hit on something that qualifies her.

We have  not. Yet.

I have given my child "mental health" excuse notes. Such as, she was wiped out from an hour of tantrums when The Crazy in her head exploded and could not finish her homework. She will get the work done, oh yes she will, but it may not be on time and she may be docked points and that's okay, we will live with it. Sometimes she goes manic, and there will be days where she is like a ping pong ball with hair and there is no way she will get homework done. She will try and we will set her up for it, but it is not going to be right and no one can read it. Just as if she had cystic fibrosis and needed time for her breathing treatments, she has times where her mental instability holds her back from the standard curriculum. One time this year, during a particularly rough patch I pulled her out of school when the teacher called to let me know how much she was struggling. It is notable that this was the only day she missed all year- seriously. She has not missed a single day this year being physically sick!

It's tricky- whoa is it tricky, and I'm sure I mess it up plenty. There are typical childhood brat moments, Reactive Attachment Disorder moments, and Bipolar moments. It's the Bipolar moments when I take control and try to wipe out the world for her. She needs a small safe place to work through it all. The RAD moments just have to blow over and the brat moments are ignored.

So anyway, I was talking to my mom a few days ago and she mentioned something about "and of course Genea has special needs". And my response was...... WHAT special needs HMMM? Okay, that response was in my head but I bristled up and felt, not offended, but more like, hey!

Why, when I have spent 3 years trying to convince the school system that she has special needs, why would I feel that Mommy Protection thing fire up? It's even more strange because I have spent 4 years trying to convince my mother that Genea has a very hard time. My mom has come from the angle of "all kids do that" for a long time, it surely helps that idea when you are 150 miles away from your granddaughter. If you rarely see it, it's easy to imagine that "all kids do that". I should be relieved, even happy, that she finally see's it. I guess I am. Sort of. Maybe because she spent so much time rallying for the normal, I felt like maybe we could still get there. Now, if she sees the special needs too, they've become obvious.


(ps, vote)!

Updated    I don't usually post things I have written late at night, I hold off until the morning when I can read thru and be sure I am making sense to myself!
I feel conflicted on the issue of Genea's disabilities. Sometimes I feel like I have to bonk people on the head to make them understand what is going on that can't be seen. Since there is nothing obvious looking at her, often I find myself laying it all out there in the hopes that someone will get it. When they don't, it's frustrating. However, I also don't like the idea that someone might look at her and think.... wow, what's wrong with her? With that often comes pity that we do not need. Also, she is very much the type of child that rises to the occasion. If the bar is set high, she will reach it. If it is set lower, and expectations are lowered because she is "special", there is no doubt she will react. I know (for a fact!) that if she thinks she has an "out" she will use it, needed or not. She can learn and indeed she learns well. It amazes me sometimes, all that she takes in. It was sort of alarming and kind of depressing to realize that her issues may be more apparent than I thought. I am way to close to see these things clearly anymore. I want people to know, and she needs people to understand, that her abilities are affected by her history and mental health. I don't wish her to be treated differently because of it.

See? Conflicted. I hope this makes sense, maybe I should pull this down. Maybe it won't make sense at all because I am saying 2 different things that don't match up and probably can't be achieved. That's what I mean. Maybe I am overthinking, maybe feelings aren't logical and it will never be clear.

End of (Sane) Days

What is it about the end of school for my kids that makes me feel like I am actually the one attending..... oh yeah, it's all the crazy stuff they throw in at the end of the year for the parents to do, like a grand finale.

See, the problem I have is that I am not good at remembering stuff. Things I am good at are critiquing reality TV shows, eating brownies, and smiling at the nasty fast food employee even when I don't want to. 

On Friday, Teena had a trip to a local park. I was supposed to remember to put her in orange, because orange is the color for park attendance apparently.
Monday Teena had "camping day" at school. This means she is supposed to bring in a blanket, a stuffed animal and a bunch of books so they could fake camp and watch movies (?). Sure.
Tuesday is a field trip to a local museum. Gotta remember to pack a lunch, and a drink. Also, it is wear something yellow day. She doesn't have any yellow (or orange) clothes. She'll be sporting yellow hair bows instead.
Wednesday, Teena is supposed to wear something with zippers. Why zippers? It's the last day and it's a half day. Could not tell you what is up with the zippers.
Don't forget to turn in all the library books and by the way the teachers are sending home every bit of whatever- the- hell that she worked on all year.
Also, I need to be sure she is dressed and wearing shoes every day. For some reason she has decided that shoes are for growing smells, not wearing.

Genea is a little easier this time around. I have to remember to send her party invitations with her to school so kids will know it is coming. Summer birthdays are hard!
Tomorrow is Fun Day at her school. What is Fun Day? Surely I do not know but it does sound fun. Got an email about it today. Genea told me she is supposed to wear old clothes for Fun Day. Hmmmm. Well, at least that is something we have plenty of.
She finally quit getting homework though! I could not believe a child in second grade was still getting homework to finish this weekend. Dang. I love her teacher this year but she is a little hardcore on the homework thing.
The biggest thing with Genea is that she No. Likey. Change. and the end of school is a big HUGE enormous change. Did I mention about the change part? She doesn't like it. We'll have about 2 weeks free until summer school starts, I will be waiting anxiously. She is much better this year handling the changes to her beloved schedule, I have to say. She is doing well overall recently (braving the blog curse for even thinking it) so the biggest reaction going on is that her extremely low threshold for frustration is amping back up. She's feeling nervous, but is able to handle it better this year than the others, though she still is not interested in being a balloon. So, that's good!


Now, puh- LEASE don't forget to vote for The Accidental Mommy on the Top 25 Adoption Blogs! You can vote one time a day RIGHT HERE. No signing up or tricky business. Just, click click click and you are done and I am  SO grateful and happy! Thanks again to Circle of Moms for the nomination!

1. Click link to go to Circle of Moms
2. Scroll down until you see "The Accidental Mommy" button
3. In the upper right corner of the box you will see a number and a thumbs up. Click the thumbs up to vote. If it turns gray your vote has registered.
4. Check out other blogs on the site too!

Therapy- it has no idea what it is up against

Four years ago, Genea was placed in our home. At the time she was seeing a therapist, and we continued with the same person when she moved in. I think, I don't know, but I think that overlap was too much for Genea to handle. She had a visceral reaction to being in the building where her previous family had taken her for counseling. I am sure she had a clear association in her mind of being with them and coming to us, the terror of the transition  striking fear of it happening again. At any rate, she refused to cooperate with the therapist. She refused to go in without me (which was fine) but then she would not talk. Or make eye contact. Or sit on a chair. One memorable session she crawled under the table and would not come out. Eventually she fell asleep under there. It seemed like a good idea at the time, to carry on as much consistency as possible. I guess it wasn't.

Well anyway, put it on the list of things we did wrong.

We stopped going after several months. At various times I would get desperate and start calling around trying to find a new therapist for Genea which was a total bust. I started out with my list of questions, as recommended in the fancy adoption books. Are you experienced with children? Are you familiar with adoption? Are you experienced with older child adoption? How would you describe your treatment style?

Waste. It was always a big fat waste. Rarely did I get past the "do you see children" question. I discovered it was much quicker to start with this question.... "do you take our insurance". Then, "do you see children", then "do you have any openings". For three years I have not been able to get through those questions to ask anything further.

Finally I got a lead on a newly licenced psychologist about 25 miles south of here, who happened to see children AND take our insurance. You better believe after the winter of discontent and hell we had circling Dante's drain I was on the phone making an appointment!

She was on leave. For a month. FINE, I said, I'LL TAKE the first appointment she has.

I was hopeful, but a little pessimistic. A therapist who does not understand Reactive Attachment Disorder can cause devastating and long reaching damage to a child. But, the woman had come well recommended so I gave it a shot.

Our appointment came and she seemed nice. She ran through a lengthy list of possible issues and I was not happy to say, yes, we experience most of the list. Then, she asked me if I would be interested in taking a parenting class.

A parenting class?

I have spent the past 4 years beating my head against every book I could find. Watching every documentary, digging through obscure research looking for links, causes and treatments for my daughters lengthy list of problems. I have flown across the country -twice- to attend specialized training and to become a certified instructor for a parenting model for traumatized children. Sure, I think I can always use tips and suggestions. But, can we get going here first? Because I can pretty much tell you anything you want to know about the 77 things Genea has been diagnosed with and how to approach parenting her. We're not talking about a child here who won't go to time out.

Okay.

Next appointment and our psychologist is unable to be there. I had pulled Genea out of school and disrupted her routine already. We had driven for a half hour to get there. When the other therapist in the office said she could see us instead I basically said, my child is going to see someone right here today and I don't care who even if it's that man changing the lightbulbs so that's fine. Let's go.

Omg. She is a student. An owner of the clinic and will have her licence in a few months, but not right now. Sigh. Whatever. Lets go do play doh for an hour since we drove all the way here. At least there are no puppets in this office. She and Genea talk and chit chat and then get to some tools to use when she gets angry. Such as, pretend you are a balloon and blow your air and it will help you calm down.

A balloon?

Then she turns to me and says, Mom, can you help  Genea with this and remind her to be a balloon?

Sure. When she goes 0 to 60 in the time it takes to clap my hands together and I have to peel her shrieking hitting kicking throwing self off the ceiling, I will most definitely remind her to "be a balloon". I have taught Genea how to regulate her own heartbeat by using what I call "biofeedback for the poor". We will try the balloon though.

The balloon fails. This is not a shock.

Next session, I talk fast for a few minutes while Genea goes to the bathroom. We've been passed off to the student therapist permanently. I describe our days. She looks unnerved. I tell her a small bit of things we have tried.

Fourth session, and we are off balloons. She recommends a two week intensive program in Colorado for Genea. It is several hours a day. And in Colorado. And, it costs upwards of $15,000. She tells me that she believes she can help Genea on a weekly basis but what she really needs is this full time treatment program with the whole family. Oh my.

Then to today. Believe it or not, I think this therapist is going to work out. She is definitely willing to learn. Genea likes her and loves to have the one on one adult attention. She saw the RAD pretty quick, which is good, and got off the "why don't you try a sticker chart" approach. Today was a good session and she interacts well with Genea.

Did I mention there is a masseuse who has an office down the hall? I have never had a massage, but they sound heavenly.


Now, don't forget to vote for The Accidental Mommy on the Top 25 Adoption Blogs! You can vote one time a day RIGHT HERE. No signing up or tricky business. Just, click click click and you are done and I am  SO grateful and happy! Thanks again to Circle of Moms for the nomination!

1. Click link to go to Circle of Moms
2. Scroll down until you see "The Accidental Mommy" button
3. In the upper right corner of the box you will see a number and a thumbs up. Click the thumbs up to vote. If it turns gray your vote has registered.
4. Check out other blogs on the site too!

Circle of Moms Adoption Blog Nomination!

I'm so excited I would pea myself if that very thing were not forbidden in my house.

I'll scream instead (not usually allowed either, but I make an exception for myself right now)

THE ACCIDENTAL MOMMY WAS NOMINATED AS A FINALIST FOR THE TOP 25 ADOPTION BLOGS BY PARENTS ON CIRCLE OF MOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO WAY! SERIOUSLY!

Click the button there to vote or click here to get straight to the point.

I am seriously so excited!

So I am not going to even TRY to pretend to be all cool and collected. Useless anyway. I can't even do the "this is embarassing but could you please consider voting" thing. This is just so awesome!

PLEASE I WILL BE SO HAPPY IF YOU GO AND VOTE IT'S REALLY EASY!

1. Click link to go to Circle of Moms
2. Scroll down until you see "The Accidental Mommy" button
3. In the upper right corner of the box you will see a number and a thumbs up. Click the thumbs up to vote. If it turns gray your vote has registered.
4. Check out other blogs on the site too!

(and even though I really want you to vote for me, I have to say there are many other really good blogs on there to check out)

You can vote one time a day every day until June 21st.


Tell your friends. Your Mom. Your co- workers.
I'm not kidding. Email folks. Facebook it. Tweet it. Pass me on like a re-gifted fruitcake!
Reward yourself with a bloody mary after. Cheers!

(adorable photo for no reason from last fall inside The Store Most Likely to Make us Go Broke)