Thursday, August 1, 2013

To continue.... birth mother considerations

It all seems rather anti- climatic now, but I'm going to continue anyway as I had planned. Since it got so dragged out though, I want to say that in the end there is no connection made.
(highlight the black bar to preview the ending. I feel bad this got dragged out so if you just want to know already, you can find out)

I had poked around Facebook and found an entry with a name that matched that of Genea's birth mother. The profile had been put up less than 2 weeks prior to my finding it.

To say I was shocked to find a matching name with such coincidental timing would be like saying eh, it can get chilly in Wisconsin . More like an earthquake and a blizzard hit simultaneously. Suddenly I could hear my blood rushing through my veins,  my stomach clenched and contracted, my eyes felt hot.

My very first thought was "what if that is her and she wants Genea back?". What if I contact her and she says the relinquishment was a huge mistake?  Once the thought barreled in, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't not think it through.

Then I was even more rattled, because the follow up was not, No Way In Hell. Unbidden, my brain listed a series of pro's and con's. Another part of my brain felt betrayed. How could I even think that? How could I defend the thought? What is wrong with me?

Suspicious of myself, I pondered a few ideas. Of course I love Genea. Of course I want her. Of course she is part of our family. But what if it would be better for her to be with her biological mother?

Logically I know that disrupting Genea even further, shipping her to a country she doesn't know, to a person she doesn't know, probably would not benefit her. But logic and feelings don't always meet neatly.

I think of the story of The Red Thread. It's a Chinese legend that says people who are destined to be important to each other are connected by a red thread. It may stretch and twist, but will never break. It is often referenced in adoption. Adopting parents sometimes consider their child was meant to be theirs and the red thread brought them together. Before learning that concept (today, on Wikipedia, checking my reference), I always thought the red thread was the child's connection to China and birth parents. Regardless there are many who scoff at it as a cliché, or as an excuse adoptive parents use to cover their discomforts. Some people consider it vile that the adoption community has hijacked the story in the first place.

Personally, I love it and I think it's beautiful.

Following the legend then, certainly Genea has a thread to me. Hers winds and twists over oceans and continents connecting her to people I've not met. Truly significant people I'll probably never even know about. When I think of my biological daughter I imagine a thick red cord. A fat cable even. It's a short, tight little thing.  Nausea provoking the thought may be, but if somehow we were separated when she was born, the thread would be there connecting us forever.

Anyway. Following my thoughts through, how could I not consider the feelings of another birth mother? Impossible.

That's if I were to contact her. That's if the mystery Facebook woman were to even be the right person. Myriad "if's".

More coming.


  1. Please tell me what happens next! The suspense is killing me.

  2. Now your writing skills - used here for suspense and dread - not humor, have certainly not faltered since you wrote frequently.... Except, really, I think to say up front that no connection was made, really sort-of cheats your readers of the few days of wondering, wondering, vain anticipation.

    Anyway, your discussion of the red thread idea is interesting. I wonder what I think?

    I bet I'd feel somewhat differently if it weren't for Sergei. I feel more connection with his bio family than he does (so maybe the red thread is attaching ME with them!) He's quashed any romanticism I ever had about the longing for and feeling tied to, the birthmother. And Maxim definitely seconds that. He wanted to read through his "story" on the adoption paperwork a couple of years ago. His response was primarily distress and disappointment that he seems to have come from some a very un-classy set of people. I just asked him again the other day if he had any interest in a search (after all, I explained....look how nice some of A's relatives are! Her mother was apparently an anomaly.) Nope. No interest. Could not care less. No threads, red or any other color. Maybe is is a guy thing.

    1. And, sad as it is....I feel a bit that the thick red cord that tied me to my bios....well, it's thinned out quite a bit since they a) grew up and b) went far away. :(

    2. Good point, sadly, I guess Teena's gets thinner with every important person she meets. Of course, that's me twisting the legend to my own purposes.
      ANd, Thank you! I was worried the post would not 'hang' together well, so I'm happy to hear you like the style!
      Also, I put in threaded comments ages ago and forgot. Woo hoo!


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