Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Conclusion: Birth Mother information

To summarize, I found a profile on facebook where the name matched that of my daughters birth mother. I freaked out a little, wondering all sorts of things, including "what if I contact her and she wants Genea back" as well as my startling reaction. I heavily considered the statement of an adoption professional that adoptive parents should never participate in any search activities when it comes to the birth parents.

I will add, the lecturer who stated parents should never get involved is an "adoptee" herself, and works with adult adoptee's. In the comments of the post on Casa Bicicleta was the point that 100% of grown, international adoptees at another seminar reportedly said that adoptive parents should always keep their hands off the search.

Regardless of that opinion, I decided I had to do something. Genea may resent my intrusion some day in the future. However, I believe if she found out I could have searched and didn't, and the information changed and was gone forever, it could harm our relationship permanently. The adoptee's referenced above were from Korea. I don't know about the reliability of records there, or resident mobility, but I think there is decent documentation. In a country like China for example, entire villages are mowed down for progress. Children are abandoned anonymously and if there is any link, I think you have to race to preserve it. In Haiti, there are often not even records of birth. Haiti additionally had the earthquake which killed so many and dislocated so many others. If an adoptive parent has a trace of information they'd really ought to hustle to keep it for their adopted child. In my opinion.

Anyway, I did it. After deciding I was thinking too much and needed to just do something already, I sent a private message to the woman on facebook. All it said was "are you in Ukraine?"

I checked my private message box every few.... seconds, for a long time. Despite the fact that facebook plops a bright red circle on the box if there is a message, I clicked and checked anyway just in case there were errors. Nothing. Several weeks went by and nothing. I had no way to know if the woman had seen the message. The profile remained unchanged.

At one point, I was on my phone using the facebook app and clicked in to see if anything had happened. Come to discover, on the app it notes if the message recipient has seen the message and date stamps it. She had seen it. No response.

Of course, it takes me awhile sometimes to pull all my brain cells together to work towards a single goal and I realized- she may very well not speak English. Argh. Like Russia, Ukraine uses the Cyrillic alphabet. Have you seen this? It is extremely difficult! The government of Ukraine uses Ukrainian as their language, however large portions of the country use primarily Russian.

*Insert tons of mind numbing research including an effort to translate information with no exact sound- to- sound equivalent here.*

Using a translation program, I sent another message. I know Ukrainian pride is very important, especially concerning independence from Russia. I desperately did not want to be culturally offensive by using the wrong language. I'd sought out advice from a Ukrainian immigrant (thanks to a connection with Lindsay) and discovered the subject of language was even more complex than I thought. I finally decided if the government uses Ukrainian, it probably has the best chance of being understood.
This is my message:
Hello. I am searching for a woman with your name from Abcxyz, Ukraine. The woman would be ## years old. If that fits you, please reply. Thank you.

So, as of now, nothing. No response no matter how I click into facebook. I don't know if I'm being ignored, which is fine, or unseen, which would be something else.

14 comments:

  1. Have you considered posting a picture of your daughter and stating that if this is her birth mom, you just wanted her to know she is happy and healthy. You might want to consider turning off the app that can give a map to the very room the photo was taken in (according to GPS) before that. Just a thought. Remember, some Ukrainians and other Eastern Europeans, believe that we want their children for harvesting organs or to support us in child trafficking. This might come as a huge relief for her.

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    1. I did not remember that, thank you! Its a good point, and a good idea as well. I'm thinking I will give it some time before I have another go and sending a picture with a short note would send the most important part anyway.

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  2. I am on the Russian facebook, so I can connect with Nastia's and Ilya's older brothers (and now the older one's fiance...her page complete with fun links to Russian wedding sites). Anyway, I have also been searching for other relatives, and trying to link with Sergei's sister - who, I thought had an uncommon name. Well, what I'm finding is that what seems like an uncommon name in the US, is not necessarily so in Russia. I found several woman with Sergei's sister's name and many more with the names of the other family members I was looking for. I don't feel, actually, like my OWN name is particularly common, but there are several of "me" on FB.

    Another thought, the more I connect with my Russian friends via these routes, the more spam and come-ons I am getting....she might just be especially wary.

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    1. I went on that Russian facebook too, and oddly found no names that matched. However, there were several on fb here.
      what's funny, is that I gave my girls "stage names" on this blog because my bio daughter has an unusual name that I thought would be easily traceable but I put it in fb just to see, and there are about 15 people with her exact same name, spelling and all.
      You must speak/understand a lot of Russian!

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  3. I struggle with this too. My son's birth parents in Guatemala are friends with the foster family he lived in, and my other son's birth parents are located here in Texas. Since I am fairly confident we can find them, I am waiting until they ask for more. Then again, I am afraid we may miss our window of opportunity. Ugh! I figure no matter what I do it will be the wrong thing...

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    1. Right! That's what I've become afraid of as well- there is no easy answer and no one complicated answer either!
      I also have the bizarre twist of the parents who originally adopted Genea, where I used to update them with letters and pictures. I abruptly stopped that after the situation got ugly. If I lose track of them, well, so be it. But Genea will want answers from them one day, I know because she has asked me many times why they "did that to" her.

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  4. Could it have went in her "other" box?

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    1. I wondered that too- in fact I thought she would probably not see it because of that. But, she saw the first message in whatever box it went to.

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  5. We did a search several years ago and have information from Noah's birth mothers father. We have pictures and video as well. Noah knows we have some information but has never asked for details. I think he just hasn't reached that point in his development yet??

    I could have pursued a more detailed search since that search gave us the location of his birth mom but I didn't. I think I was overwhelmed with the emotions of what I did learn.

    If Noah ever wants more information we will help him. I'm relieved to know we have a place to start from at least.

    Of course I have looked for her on Google and Facebook, but with no luck.

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  6. oh my gosh, pictures and video? That's great!I'm grateful we have a place to start as well, Genea often says she wants to visit Ukraine.
    Genea's psych told me that kids start asking specific questions/showing more interest around the age of 9. FWIW of course.

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  7. Essie, it's great that you're doing your best to connect with the birth mother. I hope you catch a break soon! Good luck!

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  8. I sent a comment, not sure if it went through... silly internets

    If you ever decided to take it further I have lots of Ukie speaking friends both here and there. You know how to find me

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    1. You know, I completely forgot about that! Thank you SP, I will and I do!

      Your comments went thru, I have moderation on after 5 days- cuts way down on the spam. I added a note to the comment box so it won't be as confusing. Hopefully.

      Delete

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