In Genea's world there are no shadows. There is black, there is white and there is nothing else to talk about. Thank you, good night.
(gross warning)
We were at the park recently and we had a minor meltdown. All approximations of a meltdown result in great gobbers of mucus, spit, tears and fluids on Genea's face. Seriously I have never seen anything like it. The second she perceives something that could lead to an excuse for crying, this stuff starts shooting out of her. Now in the past month or so she has started making enormous progress in having proportionate reactions. Instead of going from 0 to 60 immediately over the most minor of things (you have to wear this white sock instead of this other white sock because that sock has a hole in it but they are exactly the same otherwise.....) she has started to really try. Instead of exploding into a full blown meltdown, she tries to hold it off. Regardless, any sign of provocation sends her brain screaming into total freak out wango tango mode, and the fluids start a-flowin'. Get your buckets.
Anyway, back at the park, something happened that started the fluids going. Right away we started pushing the wango tango back with breathing, shifting her attention, turning it around etc. But it was too late for the fluid flood and there were goober blobs everywhere on Genea's face and no place to put them. No handy box of tissues at the park. I even looked around for dead leaves to wipe with. Nothing.
So for one time, just this time. Only today, right now and never again for the rest of your life, I told Genea to use the bottom of her t-shirt to wipe up her face. BUT never again. EVER. This time only. ONLY because she had tried so hard to hold herself together and she DID it and so we DIDNT want to leave but we still had this face full of booger snot to deal with so in this one emergency situation we will wipe it on your shirt and NEVER AGAIN.
There is this concept called "generalization". Basically it means the ability to take one learned concept and apply it to other similar situations. Some kids have huge problems with this. Other kids take the teeniest tiniest little break from the standardized rules of the world as permission to proceed directly to anarchy.
So at dinner that night, Genea reached down and pulled up her shirt to her face to wipe off the spaghetti sauce. I had food in my mouth at the time but my eyes bulged out so far that The Husband noticed, realized what had happened and proceeded to remind Genea why she had a napkin next to her . Her head whipped around to face me. In fact I think it actually turned a complete circle prior to flashing me with the most accusatory, how- could- you- let -this- happen, shocked and spring loaded facial expression she could pull up. Clearly expecting me to correct Daddy on his egregious error.
AND of course it led to a meltdown when I didn't.
(but they really are getting waaaaaay better!)
Showing posts with label Genea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Genea. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, October 12, 2008
BAM!
Last night Genea was sitting on the couch with me. I was reading Beyond Consequences and she was drawing on a magnet board. Her ability to draw is an area that continues to be delayed. She has caught up so much in so many other ways, but her artwork is similar to a child maybe 2-3 years old.
She asks me to suggest things for her to draw. I usually start with, draw yourself, or our house, or our family, and she always has said no to these. For the first time, she agreed to draw herself. She drew a face with a smile on it, then added something blobulous to the bottom. She said, this is me as a baby, I was so happy! Wow, I said, you sure were, where were you? Ukraine, she answered, right after I came out of my Mama's tummy.
BAM!
You might think I should have been expecting that. I think I should have been expecting that.
I wasn't.
Genea took about 6 weeks to start calling us by Momma and Daddy. During that time she called us by our names and referred to her first family with the titles of Mom and Dad. In the interest of being honest, I will admit that got irritating after a few weeks. The Husband in particular was annoyed by it, especially when she would refer to her Mom and Dad in glowing terms and tell us what we knew to be outright lies about how much fun they had together. Here we were taking the brunt of this child's rage and grief and fear, and she is speaking to us as if we were the neighbors.
When she began calling us Momma and Daddy, it was a rapid turnaround, and was quickly permanent. We have several picture albums of the first family and she periodically looks through them, although it was about 6 months before she even asked to see them. We were, and are, open about her first family in a matter of fact way, and we discuss them without hesitation and as honestly as is realistic for her. But we are her parents now.
It wasn't until early this summer that I realized Genea was missing a big chunk of her history. I was filling out the 12,000 forms for school registration, and I was debating how much to share with the school- what a minefield that is! Place of birth, first language, etc. Genea knows where she was born, knows she lived in an orphanage, and knows she was brought to this country by her first family. She has no concept of her birth mother.
Genea is 5 years old, and at the time was going to start summer school. It could happen that moms and babies come up and if she thinks about it at all, she is going to think her biological parents are the first family. I don't want her to think that, because when she figures out it is wrong, then what else is wrong? And I don't want her to have no idea and realize the details herself when she is 14 and think we were hiding it from her.
I put a huge amount of thought into this. We will have to slowly work the idea of a whole other person whose tummy she grew in and who is her biological, birth mother. We will have to word things that she is not to blame, she is not bad, her birth mother is not bad. She lives with us because we adopted her and we love her and so on. So I did what many people of my generation do, I consulted her therapist and then hit the bookshelves. It took a long time to find a good book that was gender and ethnicity neutral. One that a child could understand, and was not too graphic. Not too abstract or imaginary. When I finally settled on a book and read it to her, nothing. Read it again, nothing. My other daughter was fascinated by this book and I read it to her. Teena wanted to know did she grow in my tummy? Yes, I told her sneaking several looks at Genea, that's right. Still nothing. I asked Genea a few questions to be sure she was understanding the story in the book. I pointed out the pictures to make sure she was getting the whole idea. Still, nothing.
I have been prepared and ready for Genea to figure out there is a whole other person in this world who gave her life. I had my defenses up and coated with barbed wire waiting. My brain was spring- loaded and ready to block it all out. I think no matter how prepared, and how "ok" you are with the concepts, the day your child refers to someone else as their mother, it is just going to get you. Well anyway, it got me! It didn't ruin my day, or make me crazy. It wasn't a shock though it was a bit of a surprise. Just, zzzzttt, got me with a quick one.
And that was it. The moment came and went and it was over. Genea started practising letters. She would not draw any more people. She drew shapes instead.
She asks me to suggest things for her to draw. I usually start with, draw yourself, or our house, or our family, and she always has said no to these. For the first time, she agreed to draw herself. She drew a face with a smile on it, then added something blobulous to the bottom. She said, this is me as a baby, I was so happy! Wow, I said, you sure were, where were you? Ukraine, she answered, right after I came out of my Mama's tummy.
BAM!
You might think I should have been expecting that. I think I should have been expecting that.
I wasn't.
Genea took about 6 weeks to start calling us by Momma and Daddy. During that time she called us by our names and referred to her first family with the titles of Mom and Dad. In the interest of being honest, I will admit that got irritating after a few weeks. The Husband in particular was annoyed by it, especially when she would refer to her Mom and Dad in glowing terms and tell us what we knew to be outright lies about how much fun they had together. Here we were taking the brunt of this child's rage and grief and fear, and she is speaking to us as if we were the neighbors.
When she began calling us Momma and Daddy, it was a rapid turnaround, and was quickly permanent. We have several picture albums of the first family and she periodically looks through them, although it was about 6 months before she even asked to see them. We were, and are, open about her first family in a matter of fact way, and we discuss them without hesitation and as honestly as is realistic for her. But we are her parents now.
It wasn't until early this summer that I realized Genea was missing a big chunk of her history. I was filling out the 12,000 forms for school registration, and I was debating how much to share with the school- what a minefield that is! Place of birth, first language, etc. Genea knows where she was born, knows she lived in an orphanage, and knows she was brought to this country by her first family. She has no concept of her birth mother.
Genea is 5 years old, and at the time was going to start summer school. It could happen that moms and babies come up and if she thinks about it at all, she is going to think her biological parents are the first family. I don't want her to think that, because when she figures out it is wrong, then what else is wrong? And I don't want her to have no idea and realize the details herself when she is 14 and think we were hiding it from her.
I put a huge amount of thought into this. We will have to slowly work the idea of a whole other person whose tummy she grew in and who is her biological, birth mother. We will have to word things that she is not to blame, she is not bad, her birth mother is not bad. She lives with us because we adopted her and we love her and so on. So I did what many people of my generation do, I consulted her therapist and then hit the bookshelves. It took a long time to find a good book that was gender and ethnicity neutral. One that a child could understand, and was not too graphic. Not too abstract or imaginary. When I finally settled on a book and read it to her, nothing. Read it again, nothing. My other daughter was fascinated by this book and I read it to her. Teena wanted to know did she grow in my tummy? Yes, I told her sneaking several looks at Genea, that's right. Still nothing. I asked Genea a few questions to be sure she was understanding the story in the book. I pointed out the pictures to make sure she was getting the whole idea. Still, nothing.
I have been prepared and ready for Genea to figure out there is a whole other person in this world who gave her life. I had my defenses up and coated with barbed wire waiting. My brain was spring- loaded and ready to block it all out. I think no matter how prepared, and how "ok" you are with the concepts, the day your child refers to someone else as their mother, it is just going to get you. Well anyway, it got me! It didn't ruin my day, or make me crazy. It wasn't a shock though it was a bit of a surprise. Just, zzzzttt, got me with a quick one.
And that was it. The moment came and went and it was over. Genea started practising letters. She would not draw any more people. She drew shapes instead.
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