Wednesday, May 27, 2015

towards trust

Of the 997,000 issues that have come out of this here "adoption journey", a big one has been the pathetic lack of helpful information. With Genea's history, the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder was tossed on the pile early. But what to do about it? (I eventually wrote my own book *shameless plug* Parenting Pandora ).

Books, research, multiple doctors, therapists, etc helped, but didn't actually make a difference with the day to day. So many vague concepts,  my head popped off more than once. Build a relationship! Develop trust! Be loving! Okay, maaaaaaaaybe I could figure out what to do with that advice had my newly adopted daughter come equipped with mental stability, but she did not. How do you do any of those things when the tiny little slip of a girl rips the book away from you and knocks you over the head with it, instead of having a loving moment reading. When everything you suggest, say for example a million dollars with a scoop of ice cream, is met with NO! and leads to a shrieking meltdown.  When you hug her she recoils. Kiss her cheek, she wipes it off. Pat her gently on the back and it's like you set her on fire. Um, ?

And so I was reactive. Ahem. That's my code word for flipping my own shit, screaming back, yelling, freaking out and so forth. Stay calm? Is that supposed to be a joke?  Did Chris Rock say it? I felt like she needed to know what result her actions had, that everyone has a limit and you cannot keep dragging them there. She wasn't getting it, I had to try harder. Her "theory of mind" was non existent and she had to learn nobody is going to put up with this shit!

I misunderstood, that it was not about her testing limits and boundaries. It was about her testing my trustworthiness and I did not pass. There are tons of groups on facebook for RAD parents or people with RAD. It was on one of them that I read from a young woman who said that her constant pushing was to try to make her parents blow up. Her perspective was that if she could make you angry, then she was actually the person with control in the family. Since the parent was unable to maintain control, they could not be trusted and she had to stay in charge.

I'd known this, but for some reason the lightbulb exploded over my head and I really understood it. If the adults cannot be trusted to control their own selves, SHE was sure not going to trust them. No adult could help her who could not stay in charge through her tests. In my case, the tests were  relentless. I could hold it together through 3 or 4 episodes, but by number five (usually an hour after waking up, seriously) I'd blow from the cumulation and together, Genea and I became an avalanche.

Okay then, that covers what not to do, still leaving my persistent question- "what TO do?".  These days, I try to mix it up I guess. Tell a joke, change the subject, move away, send her on a task, get her doing something with me. None of that is really teaching her how to manage, but defuses the situation and it helps. If she will not be distracted, I send her to blow off her steam in another room (incidentally, a reason for never putting away laundry, we use the laundry room here and there as a 'calm down place' and the  piles of clothes make for a great acoustic shield! I know, lots of people  don't approve of the separation, but I cannot let the tantrums of one person hold the rest of the family hostage. Cue end to the longest parenthetical ever).

Let there be no mistake- I have no pedestal to lug around with me. I am a yeller who comes from a long line of yellers. It's in my epigenetics. Many times (a day *ahem*) I have to almost cauterize my vocal cords to keep from yelling and I OFTEN fail. But I'm trying. Yelling doesn't help and usually makes the situation worse.  This information about trusting only the person who can remain in control gives me a little more ammunition to try harder.

11 comments:

  1. I'm right there with you Essie. I *know* I'm supposed to stay calm and in control but hell, I have my own issues that on some days make it extremely difficult to stay calm.(some days it's difficult to stay sane-- but that's a different issue)
    PS Your book is really good. I enjoyed it and I learned a lot. :-)

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    1. a friend told me, humans are not designed to live like this. So every time you can hold to this sort of unnatural standard is good. Going 2 or 3 days is spectacular.
      And thank you :) !

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  2. I just need somebody standing over my shoulder in the moment reminding me of this truth that makes so much sense when I am in my calm and clear mind ;)

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    1. ME TOO ME TOO!
      Maybe that person could handle it for me as long as they're standing there...

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  3. I think there is a lot of room for individualization; separation will trigger some kids while calming others (especially, if their siblings are yelling nasty things at them). Usually, our melt downs have been too dramatic and dangerous to even try a separation. I seem to remember one that ended with beloved daughter being taken away by police in handcuffs because, from her room of "think it over" she called a "friend" with a suicide threat, and then met the police from her perch on the roof outside her bedroom window. (And C and I were calming eating dinner, unaware of any of it until we saw those flashing lights.) You know - just a heads up!

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    1. I hope this was supposed to make me laugh because it did. LMAO- she met the police outside!
      She has a window over the garage roof and I already have it blocked with the bunk bed. HA!

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  4. As an aside, I didn't realize you had started your own line of nail polish!

    http://tomisaki.info/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/essie-nail-polish-ad-images-for-essie-nail-polish-drawing-pictures.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  5. oops! I didn't see you there!
    Yes, the nail polish stole my name. And I don't even wear nail polish! :)

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  6. I really and truly now believe that the "experts" who profess the importance of therapeutic parenting do not truly understand that it's not humanly possible if you are indeed real and not a robot. People have emotions. Period. And stuffing them down to always remain calm, empathic, and curious messes us up when the other is constantly pushing us away, beating us up, or otherwise, reminding us that we are driving the wrong wayt o school and not pushing the right button the blender - ad nauseum! Therapeutic parenting and I broke up! Just my two cents! ;-)

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    1. Oops, I really should have proofed that before hitting "publish." Hello typos!

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    2. lol, I don't even see typos!
      I agree with you. It's not possible to do it 100%. What makes everything harder, imo, is that there's no agreed upon treatment for this. It's all on a wing and a prayer, regardless of who professes to have the answers. Stealing a phrase from the autism community- if you've met one child with RAD you've met one child with RAD.

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