Wednesday, January 14, 2015

What the what?

They say there is no such thing as a stupid question. I don't know who "they" is, but "they" are wrong. There are plenty of stupid questions. So. Many. Stupid. Questions!
 
We recently had a relative from not-my-side come out to visit. She had friends here who wanted to meet my family (really?). So off we went, through the blizzarding snow, to meet these friends of the Relative From Out Of Town. For the sake of expediency, we'll call her Root.
(you have to know how badly I wanted to make the acronym ROT, but it just seemed like too much).
 
Roots friends have a 2nd home here in Green Bay. One might think of that as an oddity worthy of its own show on TLC. After all, if I were to have a second home you can be guaranteed it would be more than a thousand miles from Wisconsin. Key West, or Hilton Head Island, New Orleans, NYC to name a few. But its actually something people do (freaky- deaky people, ahem). Buy a second home in Green Bay so you can use it for the 10 times the Packers play football at Lambeau Field. I'm serious. It's a thing!
 
Anyway, we went in and made introductions blah blah blah etc.  These people were loud. They responded to normal speech so I don't think it was a hearing issue. They were just super, eardrum- vibrating loud. So much that Teena kept her hands over her ears the whole time. But they were fun, sociable and pleasant. Until one of them made a comment, and it snowballed.

“Teena you look so much like your mom. I mean, I'm sitting here and I just met you, and gosh, you just look so much alike! Genea, how come you don’t look like them?"
Genea- “I’m adopted”
Loud people- “BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA”
I explain, no, she really is adopted.
Root chimes in with, "she’s from ThuhyooCRANE!"
LP- “OH, are you a gymnast?”
 
(huh? what? a what???)
 
At this point I should explain that my brain was frantically firing neurons to come up with a logical explanation as to where this was going and why. Distressed little axons whipped about seeking clarity that would not come. So it was busy. (ps, I'm not sure what that means but I thought it sounded good).
 
Root- “NO, but all my friends think she looks JUST LIKE Nadia Comaneci”!!!!
 
Nadia


 
 
 
The Husband says- “Nadia is Romanian
 
 
 
 
 
 
 









This here is Genea. From ThuhyoooCRANE.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





 
Later I thought, perhaps they were thinking of Oksana Baiul who is Ukrainian. And a figure skater.
 
 
 
 
 
At any rate, I am so completely bewildered I have lost the ability to speak

I shit you not. The conversation then extends to all the people everyone ever knew who was adopted.
One of the LP's asked Genea, "do you know other orphans from ThuhyooCRANE? My neighbor has a daughter from Korea and she knows another little girl from Korea too!".

Someone asks about travelling to ThuhyooCRANE in the future.
Root answers. Why would ROOT answer? Just the fact gave my sad little misfiring neurons a toilet swirly. Let alone the words that followed.
 
 “WE are going to take her there when she is 18. WE want her to be old enough to appreciate it. We are definitely going, and it will be a big trip for us. We just want her to be old enough to understand what's happening. But WE will take her there when she's 18.” 

The stink eye I sent her the first time progressed to the evil eye, then to a full on WTF face.
My head exploded. WE are not going ANYWHERE!!!!! When and if Genea's parents decide it is a stable time in her emotional and cognitive development, and if she wants to, her PARENTS will take her. In fact, her father and I have discussed 15 or 16. There will be MONTHS of counseling involved before and after.  At 18 she can take herself if she wants! However, I managed to let the comments gooooo, let it gooooo, let it GOOOOOO. Why? I have an unfortunate history with Root wherein she says stupid shit, and I call it out and make her take it back. Apparently in some circles this is not as appreciated as it should be. So I try.
 
But there’s more.

LP “Genea, you are SO LUCKY to be adopted!”
Me- ACK! ACK! ACK!
That's the point where I almost let loose with a little crazy of my own. Possibly they sensed it, because it was quickly expanded to "you're so lucky you have them for parents- Teena too!"

Seriously, I didn't realize before how fortunate we are that we’ve never been around people like that before.  I’ve always heard stories of stuff like this happening, but this was my first experience with hard core dumbasses. Obviously, us all being Caucasians means we rarely get a second glance and that's probably a big part of it. At least nobody asked her WHY her real mother didn’t want her (although I’d bet a tray of cheese curds they were all trying to think of a way to bring it up).
 
 
The stupid. It hurts.
 

21 comments:

  1. Of course they were thinking up ways to bring it up. That's the natural progression in a conversation like that. I have had soooooooo many of these conversations but each and every time it stuns me all over again.

    PS Why was NYC last on the list of places you'd have a second home??? Hmmmmm??????

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  2. Well honestly, I love the beach. But you are welcome to visit us there!
    Yeah, this was seriously the first experience I've had with people like this. The gossipy need to know takes over all common sense!

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  3. Wow. I do wish I'd been a fly on the wall...but, of course she DOES look just like Nadia Comenichi.

    I never wrote about the conversation Anastasia and I happened into, but should have because it was classic - in a couple of ways. Just as I was getting myself all riled up at the PERSONAL nature of the comments and lame responses from odd lady who got into the hayride with us (only us - we were trapped with her for the WHOLE RIDE) at the apple orchard, she launches into HER story - "Well I was raised in an orphanage, and I always hoped and hoped that someone would adopt me and they never did; people would come but they never chose me, and (looking at daughter) you should be very grateful that someone chose you and you didn't have to spend your whole life without a family, like me...(to me) you are an angel here on earth to adopt a child...etc.) Except I've related 30 seconds of a thirty-minute conversation in which she said every "don't go there" thing possible to both me and Anastasia, and told us about a hundred orphanage/dysfunctional family horror stories. In retrospect it was one of the funniest things ever that she hit on every single "hot button" sort of comment, while all the time being the only person who kind-of had a right to. Add to that, it was mega-obvious that she hadn't had the level of upbringing and socialization one might hope for. I think Anastasia sat there in horror the whole time, just hoping she never ended up being as weird as THAT! But be it that, or some other reason, none of the triggers she pulled with both fingers ever hit the target. I think the only comment Anastasia made was "She was weird."

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    Replies
    1. oh my gosh, that sounds like a great potential post, lol! Funny that A wasn't, um, rude to her. I picture A as the type to be straight up with over- chatty people. I wonder if she felt a fragile little connection. Like "there but for the grace of God go I".

      As an angel, do you have any super powers? Or is it just the flying thing?

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    2. I think she might have felt a connection - I was absolutely amazed that we didn't have rude-attack, or at the very least a royal meltdown after the fact (and I think the was pre-meds, too!) I did write it up!

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  4. Wowza. I'm trying to be thankful that no one asked how much she cost, but I just can't get there, knowing ROT. Jeez Louise.

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    Replies
    1. lol, right? I KNEW there was one big area they failed to address but couldn't think of it for the post.

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  5. Wow. That was... well... wow. I haven't even adopted my kids and I'm starting to get a little of the "you're an angel" kind of thing. No, I want to be a mom, that's about the end of the angelic part. I have a friend with Down's Syndrome and he spends some respite time with us, New Years eve, I got to a folk festival with him and his family. People will say to me that it's "good of me to do that". Um, no, he's a friend. It's good of him to spend time with ME.

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    Replies
    1. people are stupid! You can't be a friend of a person with a disability, it has to be an act of kindness- an effort. I think it's actually a code for "thankful YOU are doing it so I don't have to"!
      I used to hang out at a group home for adults with developmental disabilities when I was off work there.

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  6. Oh. The. Stupid!!!! A lady once asked me is all the kids were minke and I said yes. She then commented that Ahren must look like his father and I. Told her, "I don't know. I never met him." Then we walked away. The look on her face was priceless.

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    Replies
    1. I just read somewhere..... a family had one adopted Korean child and 2 Caucasians and they all said they were 1/3 Korean. thought that was so cool!
      Must have been a glorious thing to see that womans expression!

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  7. Congratulations for your blog !!!

    www.eliniciodeunanuevahistoria.blogspot.com.es

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  8. People are stupid. They just. don't. get it.

    We've had people, friends, make comments about how Pixie can swim in cold water because she's Russian and Pix, literally, looked behind her to see who the Russian was.

    (I do think she G looks a little like Nadia. Maybe she's Romanian? ;) )

    I'm surprised G didn't have a meltdown at being told she's being taken back to ThuhyoooCRANE.

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    Replies
    1. Actually, Pix looks a little like Nadia, too. And Audrey Hepburn. ;)

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    2. HA! That's hilarious, she looks to see who the Russian is. LOL!
      Yeah these people were SO WEIRD! Genea was talking and not making much sense (nerves I think, the whole room was staring at her) and one of them says "you must have to be from ThuhyooCRANE to get it". WHAT?
      Your recent pics of Pix- omg, she is really striking!! I think G looks more like Oksana personally.

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  9. I recently had two of my middle school students do a "You're adopted--no, YOU'RE adopted!" exchange and I kinda lost my shit. The great thing about working with young people is that you can call them on their crap, and it's a "teachable moment" not an "bitchy attack." I was even able to get through to them that while they may have both understood how the comment was intended, since they were in a room full of people NONE OF WHOSE STORIES THEY KNOW, it was still potentially hurtful to many others.

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  10. dear gawd, do you teach middle school now? BLESS YOUR HEART AND SANITY!
    I've been subbing as a para for all levels, and I gotta say, middle school is full of the kids satan wouldn't take. Seriously.
    You got thru to them- and didn't need a crowbar, you're awesome!

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  11. Hi,

    I'm really enjoying your blog. My husband and I just finished our paperwork, we're seriously considering adopting an older child from foster care.

    I'm getting a lot of angel comments too and "you're doing something so great" etc. I am not sure how to handle that. I think in some ways it's encouraging (in a selfish way maybe), but it's also awkward and I'm surprised at how many people have actually said something along those lines.

    Anyway, I appreciate your honesty and openness. It's nice to get a realisic perspective on something we will probably be going through very soon.

    Thank you!
    Margie

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    Replies
    1. I totally get what you're saying. The person feels they are giving you a huge compliment and mean it only in a good way, and yet it just feels "squicky".
      Congrats on finishing your paperwork, lol, that's a HUGE hurdle!

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    2. Thanks for the response, Essie. I actually started my own blog (you and some other adoptive parents have inspired me!). Check it out if you'd like:
      http://mamamarge.blogspot.com/

      Delete

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