Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Middle School Perils

I'd be happy to report this was a normal "freak out" if in fact it was not me "freaking out". And if I was happy about it.

I should be more descriptive. It's less of a peril and more a landmine positioned on top of quicksand. In space.

Hints have been wafting through the fetid air of my house for weeks. I'd chosen to save my sanity by ignoring all of it. I've learned a lot of calming techniques over the past several years. Change my focus. Breathe. Do math in my head. Tap-tap-tap. The hints kept coming and I tapped harder, focused on bigger unicorns, exhaled the entire tidal volume of my lungs and attempted the Fibonacci sequence (I can do double digits now!).

There is a dance this week. At the middle school. Where my daughter attends! I sort of feel like I just announced they found snakes in the toilets or a sniper on the roof. Or both. How are you going to tell me my 4 year old is going to a school dance (in my head she's still 4- see that cute pic on the right sidebar? That's her, forever) that will have booooooooooys! Boys who might want to daaaaaaaaaaaance! WITH GENEA!

Because lemme tell ya, no hormone addled mini perv is going near my daughter. I'm not the kind of parent who wants to be friends with her kids friends. I want them to fear the sound of my footsteps in case a foot slips and lands where the sun don't shine. I want them to stutter when they speak to me. I want visible shaking. Because your limited life experience means you cannot even imagine what I will do to you if you touch my little girl. And it will hurt.

A few weeks ago, Genea came to me- very serious- to ask how she would know if she 'like' liked a boy, and how she would know if he 'like' liked her back. I covered my stomach with a pillow to hide the sudden onset abdominal convulsions and pinned my face with binder clips to reflect calm curiosity. My brain was screaming- get those thoughts out of your head right now little girl you are only four! Fortunately the screaming stayed in there and didn't fall out, so I asked her for details.

What passes for interaction these days slays me. This boy has an ipad, and doesn't let anyone watch him play on it except for her. Aaaaaaand, she thinks he is cute. ACKKKKKK!

Being only 4 years old, Genea had already jumped to wanting to ask him on a date.


Okay, see honey, you're skipping a few steps there. What do you know about him (#anyfelonies)? What does he like (#betterhavenetnannyonthatipad) to do? What makes you think he might like you (#checkthesexoffenderlist)? What's his full name and address, parents names and occupations (#backgroundchecksforeverbody!)?

I get that this is the goal and I should be proud of Genea (I am). This is what moms are told to do- lay the groundwork when they're little so when big things start coming up kids come to us with them. I just think the theory is a much better thing as a theory. One I'd still be working towards. Sigh.

At any rate, thankfully Electronica Boy moved with just a few days notice and *poof* the issue is gone. I won't get that lucky again. And now this dance is coming.


I'd like to interrupt myself with an elevator pitch. I was sent this super cute spa bag by simply bridal  to review. I answered the original email by saying, my blog is about adoption and most of the people who read are already married! She wrote back- I know but check out our gifts! And sure enough! This is the cute spa bag:

(there's a way nicer pic on the link with all the different colors)

It holds full size bottles and such. For me though, it works awesome for my daily stuff of distraction. I was kind of surprised at how much fit in there. My tablet, day planner, knitting project with 2 skeins of yarn, water bottle, sunglasses, notepad and some pretzels.  Anyway, it's really well constructed, super cute and can be monogrammed. The best thing though is the fabric can be easily wiped clean. UNLIKE my other travel- stuff bag which has a multitude of messy reminders all over it.


So anyway. The dance is this week after school. It's even in the afternoon. I'm letting her go with a friend despite my reluctance. She's actually 11 years old. That's young, I think, for a boy-girl dance. But all the kids are in that range and if I can remember that far back, mostly there's a lot of ignoring and giggling going on between genders. It's a costume dance. I'm thinking she can be duct tape- which I'll apply. With precision.

Have I mentioned she's learning the saxophone? It's big and it's heavy. I gotta teach her how to swing that thing.


  1. I think your school district is ridiculous to have dances in middle school! Our local schools have learned that a) parents HATE them, and b) while they can't say so, middle schoolers hate them, too because.... The only thing a middle school boy wants out of a girl is for her to watch him play video games, and the girls think they want to dance, but can't really do it without boys, so girls stand on one side of the room looking at the boys and the boys talk to one another and look at electronics on their side of the room...and it is awkward.

    So schools here now have "Activity Nights" with the fun gym equipment out, a parent-approved movie in another room, maybe a magic show in another room, and board games in another one....and the kids actually have a good time without being pressured to have "significant others" ten years too early.

    1. I remember taking boy-girl dance classes in middle school. It was the big thing, everybody went. It was taught by this old guy who convinced the kids every year we would be on a tv show. Turned out he was a pedo.
      I go back and forth, if it's too young or not, or just something fun for the kids. But if they are all standing around with electronics, there's no point. I'll have to find out if that's allowed.

    2. If your girl doesn't want to go to the middle school dance, she doesn't *have* to attend. My middle school had dances, but they were held during the last 2 hrs of the school day (2-4 PM). My friends & I skipped the dance & just ducked out of school early :-)


      Interesting idea on the middle school activity nights ... though I hope they're very well-supervised. On the theory that kids who want to play video games/on a trampoline w/friends are probably just as happy to do so at home & those who want to make out w/their boyfriends will find a million supply closets/empty classroom/gym roofs on/in which to do so.

      ("Activity nights" remind me of grad school at Penn State in the late '90s. In a well-intentioned attempt to cut down on underage drinking, the then-President launched & bragged about free "activity nights" at the Student Union Building on Friday & Saturday nights - free first-run movies, arts and crafts, board games, dance lessons, trivia contests, etc. Failing to recognize that the kids doing keg stands every weekend are unlikely to be lured away from them by free paint your own pottery of salsa classes.

      My friends & went to arts& crafts pretty much every single weekend... as a pre-hitting-the-bars-hard activity ;-)

    3. It turned out to be much more of an activity thing than a dance thing, so that was good! They do a whole lock down thing now-a-days, to prevent the sneaking off. Though I'm sure plenty of kids could figure something out.
      Love the Penn State story- LOL!

  2. Eeeeeeeeke! Boys! Say it isn't so! So afraid of that moment to come.

    PS Love the spa bag. ;-)

    1. I'm thinking a nice stun gun. I'll let you know if I find a good price, lol!

  3. HA! Just found your blog, and I love it. I'm with you about being the kind of mom they feel comfortable talking to about everything. I remind myself that it IS a good thing, but I still want to delay some things as long as possible.

    1. Thanks!
      Seriously! My mom always said she didn't want to know what we were really up to. I'm thinking that might have been a better idea! :)

  4. How'd it go?

    (Homeschooling is a great option. I know someone who could homeschool your girls FOR you…) ;>

  5. dude. You give me chills. ACK!
    That's the only way it would happen- if someone else did the homeschooling!


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