Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I'd be a lousy southerner

Where do you go when you want to take a vacation but all your funds are tied up, choking and gagging?

You impose the hell out of yourselves on relatives, of course!

The Husband's grandmother from way south Ohio moved into an assisted living place, leaving her home of 70 years empty. To kill 2 birds with one minivan, we ventured out onto A Dreaded Road Trip of Brain Death. We could stay at Granny's house, visit Granny, and roam to random places of interest in Kentucky. We could visit with other extended family too, those who refer to my kids as "yer young'uns".

So one might think I dread the road trip because of my charming family. One kid with ADHD in the 97th percentile, and one with DSM- NOS,( also known as more mental health diagnosis' than can be counted on one hand). And lest we forget, a husband who loves minutiae more then gravy.

That's not it, actually. Truth is, it's me who is miserable on a long drive. Its awkward and uncomfortable to knit or read. I get so antsy and bored my brain feels like it was replaced with steel wool and everything else in there set on fire, whether I'm driving or not. Plus, I am annoying and short tempered. I even annoy myself. But gawwwwwwd I get SOoooooooo BORED!

At any rate, that's what we did. It's a 10 hour drive to Granny's house, a fantastic microcosm of every decade since 1940 (specific post to follow because omg, that house!).

Here are my observations of Kentucky.

People talk funny. HA! No, what was striking was the dramatic difference over the border. Ohio-ins have a typically Midwest sort of accent with the strong vowels mellowed, where Kentucky-ins have an outright full blown southern accent, to the extent I had to translate for the kids! The Husband pointed out, the Ohio- Kentucky border is the line between being a northerner or a southerner. I did not know this bit of trivia.

(side note- growing up in the Chicago area, my education was ethno- Chicago- centric. We were taught many "facts" putting Chicago in charge of the US. Such as, newscasters around the country take elocution lessons to learn how to speak like Chicagoans. Not exactly true).

HOLY CRAP THE BUGS! Bugs the size of vermin. Several bugs that carried weapons. One spider looking thing that was wearing a black leather biker jacket and toting an AK- 47. Only I've never seen a real life spider that big and so maybe it was some mutated giraffe. Pictures to follow, so YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, skip the pics!

Inhabitants of Kentucky do not find me funny. It's possible they find me appalling. Ooops. I cracked to a cashier that my family needed badly to shower. Maybe I added that in my opinion, it could take several showers to undo the funk. She made that half-laugh -omg grunt sound as when a person is horrified and doesn't want to be rude about it. She repeated the words "OH MY", alternating with that grunt, 6 times. I wonder if she was struck with the genius of my comedic comment. Maybe not.

Mammoth Cave is big. There is no cell service down there.

Kentucky is beautiful. Lush, rolling hills with lots of green. Highways are clear of billboards and lined with trees. I say that as the sandwich topping to my next comment.

We went to a Wal Mart, in Kentucky, on a Sunday night. Yikes. As Mr. McKay on South Park says, "drugs are bad, mmmkay?". Zowie. Seems I saw on a news magazine show they have a bad meth problem in Kentucky. Can confirm. 

Other side of the sandwich- the people who are not on meth are really nice. People are friendly, pleasant and helpful. Genuinely kind. They smile and were extra sweet to the kids. Called them "Beautiful little darlin'" and such.

(I'm not judging the people on meth, they might be very nice too, I just didn't talk to any since they seemed in a hurry).

Photographic evidence of vermin sized bugs:
(hoo-da-hell goes on vacation and takes pictures of bugs?)


What is this thing?
 Meet Satan's Spider. It's a sucky picture because I was not going to get any closer, and it's like 12x's magnified. The white blob is a water faucet.  The black blob to the right is the spider.

This appears to be an orange wasp. Freaky thing was the size of my fist. It threatened me and gave me the finger. IT DID.

After my evidently offensive comment about unpleasant stenches, I tried to be more culturally sensitive and use nicer language. I hollered across a room to The Husband (I guess that was probably not great, the hollering) I was taking the girls to the "delicate ladies resting room". So naturally, the girls were all like, WHAT? WHERE ARE WE GOING? WHY ARE WE GOING THERE? I NEED TO GO POTTY!

So! The south! I think they'd prefer I stay north. Too bad though, because I really liked it.


  1. I spent a little time on the Ohio Kentucky border on summer. My father was an engineer on a paddle wheel steamboat, so we were quite literally on the border. Not long enough to justify using the word Y'all as much as I do. But I remember thinking that Kentucky had a bit of a different smell all it's own. Not bad. But different.

  2. Replies
    1. LOL, I didn't notice any smells but that's probably because we had the a/c on full blast. DANG it's hot down there! They each had a different feel though, very distinct.
      That sounds like a ton of fun- summer on a steamboat!

  3. I was busting a gut laughing at your story!

  4. I am pretty sure that lizard looking thing is a skink. They bite.

    1. A SKINK??? Lol, the word reminds me of "skank"!
      Well if anything should be called a skink its that thing. AND it bites? I'm bringing myself a personal plastic bubble next time.

  5. Well…I think Cinci is a VERY SOUTHERN city. I know they're 'posed to be Yankees, but…no one told them.

    So sorry we didn't find you in KY.

    Did you eat friend chicken while you were there? :>

    1. I think of Cinci as a "big" city but I've only stayed there once, maybe twice, I really liked it. Too bad their weather is the same suck-ass stuff we get here.
      Did not have chicken! We ate Granny food and otherwise conserved with groceries- hence the Walmart trip, lol. Dang, I knew I was forgetting something!

    2. Well, if we EVER find a house, you'll have to come back!

    3. The few times I visited Cinci, it seemed "southern" to me! And not in a good way....always.

  6. Hey! I successfully managed to close my eyes and scroll down, thereby protecting myself from you-know-what. My mom grew up in southern Indiana, right across the Ohio River border from Kentucky. She had a lot of friends in Owensboro... Anyway, all of this brought back memories! I needed some translation, too - sit on the WHAT? (davenport, i.e. couch...or, "pie plant" as in rhubarb...I wish I could recall the rest.) The thing that I really loved, although it amazed me, is how within an hour I would have entirely picked up that drawl. I'd hear myself and be embarrassed, because I didn't want people to think I was doing it on purpose, but I couldn't help it. I don't, (happily) recall big bugs, but I was there one summer during a plague of locusts which has always been a nice bit of background during Old Testament studies.

    1. thank goodness you caught the warning! I was scared of what you might do to me if you saw another bug I posted.
      I've always picked up accents easy too- and I felt the same, like people would think I was making fun of them. So now I try not to do it.
      Moving here was nutty for strange words! Time machines for cash, a bubbler for water, and booyah is a food item!

  7. Lizard thing...definitely a skink. Big orange bee thing...red wasp. Nasty bastards. Evil. Nasty. Bastards.

    You missed the German Cockroaches and Fire Ants.

    Love, a Minnesotan living in Alabama.

  8. I'd never heard of a skink before- seriously! That thing was heavy too, because we could hear it racing around before we saw it. Ew.
    Ok so what's this red wasp thing? I never heard of that either! I am unfortunately familiar with the roaches and ants though. Blegh.

    1. Red wasp thing. I told you. Evil. Nasty. Bastard. They nest in corners...under stairs...in storm doors. Then, they JUMP at you - seriously, they're aggressive - and sting. And Sting. And. Sting.

    2. plus it gave me the finger! It's lucky I was so freaked out or I might have ended it's life.
      (as if I would get close enough to do that, lol!)


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